Getting Through the Holiday's Without Your Loved One

I will begin by admitting this is my least favorite time of year. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that while alive my mother went overboard during the holidays. She would spend weeks thinking and planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our final holiday together was Christmas, 1988.

Since that time I have immersed myself in keeping those alive whose lives are often in jeopardy as a result of intimate partner violence and stalking. In many ways I have placed my life in the unimportant category so others, strangers really, most of whom I have never met in person, can leave with their life. The ones who are not able to reach me in time or "suddenly" go missing I write about or obtain coverage in the media while working with their families and various agencies in hopes of seeking justice. Knowing and understanding there will never be acceptance or closure while they remain on earth minus their world, the loved one who is never coming back.

With age comes wisdom. But with wisdom you also have memories often returning at times one least expects, the holidays. Missing that special person who is, or has not sat at a table with you since they were alive can be devastating and downright unbearable. Punishing yourself for something you had no control over, is in my opinion, a crime in and of itself.

We are meant to love others living our lives as best we can. Life is too short. In a blink of an eye one turns around and asks, when it is too late, where did the time go?

This year, instead of receiving letters or emails from families grieving, I would like to make a request. Send me your words of joy. Tell me what you did this year differently to honor your loved one. I will, if you do, post your words and pictures.

Coping with Holidays

It is not wrong for you to feel angry, sad, or overwhelmed by impending holidays. Because you are not able to control these changes, you are bound to have feelings that conflict with what you used to feel during holidays. If others around you are not feeling the same, you may feel further alienated. What once made you happy and joyous may now make you feel sad and angry.

Ten Thoughts on Coping

It is always difficult to live through holidays in the aftermath of intense tragedy. For victims and survivors, holidays are often marked with pain and anguished memories. What, in the past, may have been a time for family gatherings and celebration will be a time for missing loved ones and a sense of loss.

HOLIDAY SOLUTIONS - STEPPING STONES

Plan ahead. Have a backup plan. Embrace the feelings - both good and bad Realize it doesn't have to be the best holiday ever - just get through it! Find something different to do. Go to a buffet instead of fixing the big meal. Leave town. Take the pressure off of yourself - don't fake it. Have reasonable expectations of yourself and others. Add something to your tradition that honors your loved one - light a candle create whatever holiday atmosphere you want and feel comfortable in your decisions.

Surviving That First Holiday Season After a Loss

For people who have lost a loved one, through death, divorce, or even relocation, big holidays throughout the following year often prove painful and difficult. Rituals that brought joy in years past serve instead as stark reminders of missing loved ones."Holidays can reawaken the grieving process," says Marianne Wamboldt, MD, Director of the Center for Stress and Anxiety Disorders at National Jewish Medical and Research Center. "It can be extremely painful. But there are ways to cope, things you can do to get through the holidays and even to find comfort.

"Coping with Holiday Grief

At holiday time, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

Suggestions for filling your holiday loss and tears with celebration

Express yourself through artwork.

Begin your holiday dinner with a minute of silent prayer and a toast in their honor. Send up a balloon(s) with messages and prayers to your loved one.

During the meal ask the question, "What comes to your mind when you think of (this person)_________?", and share memories with those who surround you.

Plant a tree or a special plant in their honor in your garden or in your home.

Create special Christmas ornaments for your tree and hang a stocking in their honor.

Write a letter or even keep a journal of your thoughts.

Light a candle(s) in their memory.

Place a single flower or bouquet of flowers that your loved one cherished as the centerpiece.

The "Shames" or head candle in the Hanukah celebration can be in honor of your loved one.

Look at pictures (or display pictures) from past holidays shared with your loved one.

View videos, audiotapes and any remembrances, which reflect on the wonderful times you experienced together.

Design a quilt with the memories you have.

Write a brief history of the ups and downs you have experienced in the past year and place it into a Christmas stocking or some memorable cache that you can add to yearly.

Play a favorite song.

Create a sacred alter with photos and treasures where you can sit and reflect.

If you vacation in a special area that you used to go to with your loved one, do something special in honor of them.

Consider volunteering for an organization affiliated with your loved one's illness, hospice or a caregiving program to help others through your own experiences.

Volunteer to help feed the homeless over Thanksgiving & Christmas.

Volunteer to read or spend time with the elderly in nursing homes, hospitals or to read and spend time with children who have terminal illnesses in hospitals.

Donate gifts in your loved one's name. This is even more special when you donate in memory at their birthday, a special anniversary, etc. Offer a scholarship in a loved one's name.

Remembering at the Holidays

The principle that we should keep in mind is: they may not be here any more, but they are still here.

For those with loved ones still missing, not knowing can in pure hell. OF ALL the agonies that an outrage creates, the worst is not having them found and brought home to rest. It is almost beyond that of loss and grows in the silence of an unanswered telephone.

You can email me at murphymilano@gmail.com or write me at P.O. Box 14946, Surfside Beach, SC 29587

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.

The Keeper of Silent Secrets

No matter how many years pass after the murder of my mother, Roberta Murphy, I continue to be the keeper of her silent secrets. As described for the first time in a recent radio interview with Vito Colucci, -http://archives.warpradio.om/btr//Crimetime/060523.mp3

She lived in the silence of the violence just beyond the front door on Highland Avenue in Chicago. A vibrant neighborhood, where one could always find at least one fireman or policeman living on every city block. It was considered a melting pot of middle class families. The wife of a Chicago Violent crimes detective and mother of three hid her pain and fears from anyone who came in close contact with her. And if one looked closely enough, they could see the sadness and fear in her bright brown eyes. Her smile, infectious and disarming. Throwing off anyone who might want to ask if everything was alright. Roberta Murphy always made you feel and believe "she was just fine."

Throughout my childhood, although she had plenty of opportunity, my mother never once spoke a disparaging word about my father (pictured with her above). When he would do the unfathomable and beat her bloody, to the world and her children she held her head high, often making excusing for his violent behavior. As kids we were like confused animals under bright headlights. Unable to comprehend why she stayed. When I would question or ask "why does daddy do this to you"? Her response never made sense and I accepted our lives the way we survived as normal.

That "normal" would play like a national anthem in my own personal life as an adult. Keeping myself carefully guarded from the outside world so I could not be hurt physically by a relationship. I was already prepared for any emotional assault that would come my way, never realizing I accepted it because it was an invisible tattoo deep into the core of who I was.

As the keeper of my mother secrets I would never fully realize their destruction upon my life, until now. Those "secrets" were lifted like a celebration freedom dance in the street. Last week I finished the final chapter of the upcoming book "Holding My Hand Through Hell." The final copy is at the editors and is scheduled for release sometime in the fall.  What the book is about is described in the following :

Summary

This poignant well-written book tells the story of a police officer’s family and a daughter’s quest for justice long after the murder of her mother embracing a legacy of unconditional love and faith to triumph over a life plagued with unspeakable abuse and pain.

Based on a true story written with the flow of a novel, with frank wisdom and wit, “Holding My Hand Through Hell” encourages the reader to immerse themselves into this family's life and become an advocate for change. It will incite discussion, debate, and heightened awareness about hope, survival, abuse, murder, and its impact on our society. In the end, it will leave readers applauding this woman wondering how she escaped, sometimes at the eleventh hour and now 20 years later, realizing that God, after all was holding her hand through hell, delivering her from the evils of her life in order to save others.

http://murphymilanojournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/house-on-highland-street-crime-scene.html

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

A Letter To Sean

On November 28th, 2009, Karen Kahler and her daughters Emily and Lauren were shot to death by Karen's estranged husband while they were visiting her grandmother, Dorothy, for the Thanksgiving holiday. Dorothy was also shot and died a few days later.

Sean, a 10-year old son, escaped while bullets were being fired upon his family by his father inside the house, running for his life and surviving this horrific tragedy, phyically unharmed.

[As a violence expert and veteran to surviving family homicide, I was moved to write this young man a letter. Although I am using Sean's name it could have been Craig, Jennifer, Alice, Tom, Christopher, Bobby, Kathy, Lisa, Andrew, Laci, Conner, Cheryl with a list that goes on and on of children left to find their place in this world without those whom they love and, more importantly without answers.]

Dear Sean:

This is your first holiday without your sisters, grand grandmother and mother. The events that lead up to their deaths will for a very long time play out over and over in your mind as if you are watching a scary movie. You will have terrible nightmares, cold sweats, and be woken by a soft tender voice comforting you, suggesting "you to go back to sleep, it's okay. It was only a dream." But, you find going back to sleep difficult. Instead you may cry or get angry. And that is okay.

While you are awake, during the day, something will remind you of the tragedy. A dog barking outside, a silly commericial on television or simply the closing of a bedroom door. It doesn't take much really to remind you of what happend. And in the months to follow you will probably wonder when will you stop feeling so horrible. When will the pain go away? Some days will be better than others. And sometimes the pain you feel will be with you as if it were your worst enemy. You can't tell it to go away. You are not able to run from it. It will be your companion for many months.


After Christmas and New Year's it will be time for you to go back to school. At first you will have the feeling of your body being in a kind of thick fog. And your feet will not feel as if they are touching the ground as you walk. I suggest a relative sew in marbles or a few coins in the cuff's of your pants. This will help you feel like you are weighted down in some way. At the start of your first day back you might notice mom's driving or walking their kids to school. This will make you miss your mom all the more. You might be overwhelmed by this and ask the person who took you to school to bring you back to the house. You are not ready yet. This is a normal feeling.

Once you start feeling a little better and return to school try and get involved in a sport that you enjoy. Try to make friends with other kids in your class. And if you are invited to do something after school over on the weekend, accept the invitation only when you feel ready. Sometimes adults make us feel like we have to try or do something we do not feel ready or comfortable doing. Use your best judgement in each situation.


Maybe start your own private journal. Include the times you shared together with your Mom. The trips you took or how she made a special meal you enjoyed. On holidays make your mom a special card and place it in the journal. When your mom's birthday approaches do something special that she might have enjoyed sharing with you. If she had a favorite saying remember to write it down so you will always remember her words. Keep special photo's in the journal or on a disk. If your mom's voice is on her cell phone or the house phone on a recording ask a relative to make a few copies for you so you can hear her voice when you are feeling sad.

The most important piece of advice I can offer you is that you are stronger than you may believe. When you have bad days remember that your mother, although she is in heaven, lives in your heart. And even though you are not able to see or touch her in human form, she walks beside you proudly, from the moment you awake, until the time you rest your head at night.

The love of your Mom will remain with you, Sean, every single precious moment as you grow and build your own life, finish school and someday have a family of your own.

Why Doesn't The Church Talk About Domestic Abuse?

(Susan is out until next week and in her absence we will be posting some interesting articles from around the world wide web. For scheduling an event, workshop or lecture for Susan Murphy Milano please send your request to contact@imaginepublicity.com.

Her radio show will resume at 4: 00 PM EST on October 7, 2009)

From Kentucky.com : following a high profile murder that followed a high profile history of domestic abuse:

The news reports of the recent death of Amanda Ross, allege that she was a victim of domestic violence. Based on statistics, it is likely domestic violence is happening across all faith communities in Kentucky. (According to the Kentucky Domestic Violence Association, in 2007, over 4,000 Kentuckians were in shelters, including 2,313 women and 1,760 children.) Are faith communities adequately addressing the problem?

1. It’s an issue where women and children are the victims of men’s sins (primarily), so it’s an uphill battle right there.

2. Scripture deals with “love your wife as Christ loves the church,” and the application is obvious, but none of Paul’s sin lists or our favorite parables or stories contain a guy who slaps around his girlfriend or a man who beats his wife when he’s drunk.

3. What’s the payoff for the average pastor who brings this up? Counseling women and hearing embarrassing secrets. And then….divorces. We all know how evangelicals feel about those….or, at least most of them

4. Never has the church’s need to develop its own counseling resources with women specializing in helping women been more obvious.

5. Deal with this much, and someone in your church is either going to jail, or to a lawyer. Families will point fingers, phones will ring, emails will be sent and it will all be your fault.

6. You can be sure it’s going to hit very close to home. Maybe too close for a lot of church leaders. Lots of people are going to be wrong. Lots of people are going to be guilty and lots of people are going to admit some scary things. Who wants to go there?

7. Plenty of women and men prefer to hear about how submission will get you through any marriage problem, and they need for that to be right. It’s what they have been told and what they are telling other women. If someone says I’m leaving a man who is hitting me, then a whole lot of problems occur for some people’s version of submission. (I do not believe that is necessary, btw. I think that is a wrong emphasis on submission and a right emphasis is what’s needed. Mutual love in Christ.)

8. You have to talk about emotional abuse, and now the circle just got very, very, very wide. Are you sure you want the women talking about that one? Pastor? Pastor? Hello?

9. Sexual abuse? Religious abuse? Financial abuse? A lot of roads, all with similar dynamics. Let’s just say we don’t want feminists and liberals starting trouble. IOWs, Who are we empowering with this discussion? Uh-huh.

10. And, as everyone knows, we don’t have those kinds of problems. We’re Christians.

A big salute to those churches and pastors who are on the front lines and involved in this issue. They are real warriors for compassion, justice and reconciliation.