The Elephant in the Room

Society provides wellness and support for those whom are survivors of various types of illnesses but what about crime survivors? Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, children and communities are impacted by violent crimes such as rape, robbery, felony assault, hate crimes, domestic violence and child abuse. Surviving victims of crimes require healing that goes deeper than simply bringing the person responsible to justice. Crime survivors often find themselves grappling with difficult questions: How am I move forward with my life? What will happen next? Will I ever feel safe again? Where can I get information? What are my rights? Who will simply listen to me and respect my feelings and decisions? Why is surviving a violent crime always the silent "elephant" in a room?

HOW TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR OF CRIME

Ask them to talk about what happened to them. Listen and support what they are sharing with you. Do not offer opinions, judgments or advice about what you hear and read about in other cases or the news. Encourage the person to describe what they: Saw . . Heard . . . Thought . . . Smelled . . . Felt . . .

It is important to tell them they are valued and your caring for them has not changed. Tell them how much you appreciate them as a person and in your life.

Simply listen: Listen to his or her emotions as well as the story.

Understand that people communicate in other ways than with their words. Try to understand and take cues from your loved one's expressions and body language. Maybe they are nervous and fighting with their hands embarrassed by the crime. or afraid you will judge them merely because they are disclosing something they feel is embarassing. Take your hands and hold theirs as they speak to you.

Encourage them to set priorities and problem-solve with input from family and close friends.
Allow time to heal. Don’t tell them to "get over it." Remember that every day they may be re-experiencing the event through dreams, memories, emotions or injuries that take time to heal.

No one expects a broken bone to heal over night, but often people expect loved ones to "get over" trauma after a day or two.

Think of healing as a group issue, not an individual one. As a caring person, you are impacted too. Take time for yourself, be gentle with yourself and with others.

Facilitate support from your church, family members and friends.

Laughter as Ward Foley author of "Thank My Lucky Scars" and Why God Did Not Make Me a Woman Because I have Enough Problems" will tell you humor is the best medicine. Use humor (preferably not about the event.) Try to lighten up if you can. And whatever you do if you cannot say something nice then zipper up your lip and keep it to yourself.


Give hugs daily.


After some time has passed, review what has happened. Concentrate on how each person has changed or grown.

Crime Survivors often lack an appetite. And they will not eat, especially if they are isolated or left alone for long periods of time. Make their favorite meal and eat with them.
Surviving a violent crime takes courage and inner strength.

Plan outside activities, even if it is a walk around the block. Fresh air and excercise are very important.

Look on the Internet and research support groups of crime or assualt. Talk to the person about joining a group or ongoing discussion.

Plants and flowers in a home of a crime victim survivor are also very important. Perhaps create a project and plant blubs and flowers in their yard. Create a garden of items that they might enjoy that you could create on a window sill. It does not always have to be in a yard. Consider asking the church for volunteers to help with things from their garden that a person might enjoy.

Surviving crime victims deal with the aftermath three hundred and sixty-five days a year, seven days a week. Providing friendship and hope for just one day is a day less of painful thought and memory in the mind of a crime victim survivor.

Susan Murphy Milano Hosts Kristina Korobov

Senior Attorney for the National Center for the Prosecution of Violence Against Women, a division of the National District Attorney’s Association, Kristina Korobov will be the guest for the enitre hour of  The Susan Murphy Milano Show,Wednesday, April 7 at 4pm Eastern, 3pm, Central on BlogTalk Radio.

Ms. Korobov served as an Assistant Commonwealth’s Attorney with the Loudoun County Commonwealth’s Attorney in Leesburg, Virginia, a suburb of Washington, DC.  She handled all Domestic Violence and Physical Child Abuse Cases and was responsible for Law Enforcement Training.  Kristina was a member of the Loudoun Domestic Abuse Response Team (DART) and she chaired the Child Protection Team Subcommittee of the DART.  Kristina came to Virginia from Indianapolis, where she was the Coordinator of the Indianapolis Violence Reduction Partnership, an initiative funded by the United States Department of Justice.  Prior to that, Korobov served as Chief Counsel for Strand Analytical Laboratories, a private DNA Lab in Indianapolis.  From 1996 until 2005, Kristina worked in the Marion County (Indianapolis) Prosecutor’s Office.  She served as Chief of the Sex Crimes and Child Abuse Unit, Chief of the Domestic Violence Unit and as a Major Felony Prosecutor.

In addition to handling cases, Kristina was responsible for attorney supervision and training, policy development, community outreach and training for law enforcement officers.  Among other cases during her tenure, Korobov prosecuted Marion County’s first Repeat Sex Offender, a police officer who was manufacturing child pornography, and serial rapist Charles Hill.

In 2002, Kristina was named Prosecutor of the Year by the Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault and received an Outstanding Lecturer Award from Communities Against Rape / Center of Hope for Youth.  Defense attorneys refer to Ms. Korobov as the “Queen of Pain” and the “Princess of Darkness.”

If you are in a domestic violence situation, or know someone who is, this is a discussion you will not want to miss!  Two powerhouses together against the crime of abuse!

To listen to the show live and participate in the chat room, the direct link is HERE

The number to call in with questions is:

(347) 326-9337

If you can't make the show and have questions you would like asked you may email to:  murphymilano@gmail.com

Is It Good For You?

This is a post I've taken from one of the writers of "Time's Up!" Tanya Warrington. It comes from her blog, "Dazzling Wings." Her words always move me.

Is it good for you? A short question with huge ramifications.

As former victims, we are more likely to base decisions on unconscious questions such as "Will the other person be mad if I say I don't want to do this?" or "I can survive a little more; what difference will it really make?" or "Will my doing this help this other person out?"

I am learning that this other-focused way of making decisions is insidious and well ingrained. It may have helped me in the past. Perhaps caring more about the other's reaction or needs, rather than evaluating my own condition and needs at least gave me some illusion of power in situations of powerlessness.

But now that I am free from abuse and establishing a more healthy lifestyle, I need to know how decisions will affect me. I need to know if a food choice, medicine choice, or relationship choice is good for me. It turns out that I have a starring role in being responsible for my own health choices. Will I spend time with someone who drains me? Will I do something I do not want to do, because somebody important to me thinks that I should? Will I eat a food that has no nutrient value? Will I alternate sitting and standing throughout the day to respect my physical limitations?

How about you? Do you need to think about whether choices are good for you? The good news is we make many decisions daily so there is plenty of turf on which to practice. Start asking yourself, "Is this good for me?"

If we don't know whether or not something is good for us, we can ask the God who has promised to give wisdom to all who ask.

God, bless our minds with your wisdom, our hearts with receptiveness to the truth, and our wills ready to act in line with Your will. Amen.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5 (NIV)

Tracking Those In The Name of Justice

Intimate Domestic Violence Homicides is an Internet site providing a national compilation of daily news articles about family violence murder and suicides. "Most mornings I wonder when society is going to realize intimate violence makes victims of us all."

This important site is the brain child of Cathy Church whom is also the Executive Director of Access Justice NOW. The site also includes a google map chart indicting each tragedy. The site is important in bringing awareness to the plight of victims after a tragedy. And sadly, it is an important tracking information site of the men whom not only kill their spouse or girlfriend, but the children.

The site also advocates assistance for those who have been victims killed.

Do Not Let a Victim Die in Vain
If you have a family member, friend or loved one who has been killed because of intimate or domestic violence, do not let their death be in vain.
Access Justice Now, a non-profit dedicated to seeking justice on behalf of intimate and domestic violence victims, may be able to help.

Go to http://www.accessjusticenow.org/ and fill out the Legal Assistance form at the bottom of the home page if you feel the death of your friend or loved one could have been avoided had authorities taken steps to enforce the law.
Everyone Deserves Justice, Everyone!

A Memo to Boston Governor Deval Patrick

The Governor of Boston Deval Patrick has proclaimed domestic violence an epidemic. I mean no disrespect to his honor. I applaud his attempts at heightening awareness. He is designating $1.3 million dollars for a study .

The problem is, solutions will not be revealed in a study. Likely administered by individuals who have no idea what is domestic violence or the deadly , yet silent dangers victims and their children face three hundred and sixty five days a year seven days a week. Or the law enforcement families who are unable to seek basic legal remedies because their boyfriend or husband is issued a badge and a gun within the State of Boston.

Governor Patrick, a study will not produce results. It will only add more flames to a fire already out of control in the lives of family violence victims.

You would not hire someone to run your campaign for re-election who did not have experience and a track record would you? Then sir, why commission and ineffective tool likely to sit on someone's desk for a few years.

There is a group of individuals who are in the trenches and on top of the issues of family violence in the home across the country. These experts, given the opportunity would implement more than a study with the $1.3 million dollars. Sir, they would create tools that are effective and save lives.

I for one would like nothing more then to not attend another funeral. Or explain to a child why Mommy or Daddy are not, ever, coming home.

I would welcome an opportunity to discuss real options and potential solutions. It will not cost you $1.3 million dollars. A plane ticket and lunch seems like a real bargin.

Afterall, Governor, one cannot put a price on human lives.

My direct email address is : contact@movingoutmovingon.com

Link to the Governors Home Page:
http://www.mass.gov/?pageID=gov3homepage&L=1&L0=Home&sid=Agov3

http://www.bostonglobe.com/

FYI- Please Take a moment to visit new site link: http://www.womenincrimeink.blogspot.com/

"All But My Soul" Abuse Beyond Control

If you are a battered woman entangled in, or recovering from, divorce proceedings with an abuser, this book is a must read! Order it now at Amazon.com Or go to your local library. http://www.partners-in-prevention.org
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com

It could save you-your life, your children, your job, savings and your home. ...And if you've experienced any of these losses, it WILL help you heal!

You wake up and find yourself reaching out for society’s aid to help you protect yourself and your children. And in many cases, they show up before you realize that you invited them.

Your emotions are mixed, your day-to-day reality clear and your future fuzzy. You want to believe your attorney is working for your "best interest," but this belief can't be supported by the proceedings, especially when his/her fees are funded by the marital estate which your controlling spouse controls.

The financial social politics are crystal clear, but you cling to the ideal of "social justice" and human decency, until you hear your counsel and the court throw a deaf ear to your child’s self-mutilating in the face of being forced to live with someone who abuses him (sometimes before and WITHOUT a custody trial).

And you may even find yourself desperately struggling to have contact with your children after they are denied access to you...for days, weeks, months and for some protective parents for years.

You recognize that life, as you once knew it, is vanishing ...your children, your home, your savings, your career and, for many domestic abuse survivors, your health.

Far too often, domestic abuse survivors go from the "frying pan" to the "fire" on their way out of an abusive relationship. And they wonder how this can happen. While it doesn’t always happen, it’s more common than most people realize.

If you are a living domestic abuse, either on the inside of the relationship or on your way out of it, being informed about systemic abuse is essential to your survival.

Victims of domestic abuse can avoid being mothers without custody by recognizing, and not falling prey to, systemic abuse before it spirals out of control.

Fatal Mississippi Tragedies Mislead the Public

Today In Mississippi, a gunman walked into a bank shot two customers and then took his employee wife out of the bank, killed her and then committed suicide. The comment from the police chief is rather disturbing to me.

"It wasn't a bank robbery. It was a domestic situation," McComb police Chief Billie Hughes told the Enterprise-Journal of McComb.

These two people were divorced. But this tragedy is no different than a stranger comming in and committing a serious crime. To label the bank shooting as "a domestic situation" allows the murder rate figures in that county and within the state to be reduced.

Sorry, Chief, but with all due respect, this was a man out of control and this crime was a murder. Your words to place the crimes in a neat little box you can check only dimishes the importance of the event. This is not a sneeze in your handkerchief.

It is wonderful to make the community feel at ease and those who are patrons of the bank feel a sigh of relief to know that "It was just a domestic".

But you do a terrible diservice when you label random acts of violence to all victims who fall prey to murder.

According to the Associated Press Wires:
Pike County Coroner Percy Pittman identified the shooter as Robert Lanham. The others killed in the attack were Lanham’s former wife, Rachel J. Lanham, bank employee Ronnie Larrimore and customer James Frederick Fayard, all of McComb.Initial reports said Rachel Lanham was likely shot and dumped out of the vehicle on U.S. Highway 51. However, Pittman believes she may have been trying to get out of the car and was ejected when it hit a tree.Robert Lanham then died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head after apparently shooting himself while driving, authorities said.The McComb Enterprise-Journal newspaper reported that court records showed the Lanhams married in 1999 and divorced in August 2007, citing irreconcilable differences.Rachel Lanham, who worked at the bank as a financial adviser, and Larrimore were dating, according to the newspaper. Robert Lanham had reportedly made a recent threat to harm Larrimore.Larrimore, 38, was the father of two young boys.Heather Lamb, who used to work with Larrimore at an insurance agency, said he was a ‘‘great dad.’’‘‘Real active. An upstanding guy in the community,’’ Lamb said. ‘‘An overall great guy, and those are hard to come by.’’Police say Fayard, who had served in the Army and Navy before working offshore, was killed when he tried to prevent the gunman from taking Rachel Lanham hostage.‘‘He would help anybody who needed it,’’ said Fayards mother, Geneva McGehee Lamana.For a time police blocked off the area around the bank and told people to stay inside.Hughes said the armed man walked inside the bank shortly after 11 a.m., fatally shot Fayard and Larrimore before fleeing with his wife in a truck.While police were at the bank, Hughes said, officers received a call that the ex-wife’s body had been found along the highway near Fernwood, about four miles south of McComb.Police were also told of a one-vehicle accident in Magnolia, a few more miles south on the highway. They found Robert Lanham fatally wounded. Hughes said a handgun was found with the man’s body.The gunman died later in the day at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb.Hughes said McComb police were being assisted by the Mississippi Bureau of Investigation, the Mississippi Highway Patrol, the Pike County Sheriff’s Department, the Magnolia Police Department and the state crime lab.He said no other bank employees were harmed but were shaken by the shootings.