Forget The Magic and Move On, but #LeaveSafely

Ken and Angie met at work. Because they lived in a small town in Iowa, running into one another at the grocery store, church, or neighborhood bar was common. Out of the blue, it just happened that they began dating.

Within a year Angie and Ken married. Within weeks after their marriage Ken felt the need to question his bride's every move when she was "out of range." If she took longer than usually to return home after work ended or took too long at the grocery store he would be in her face and demand to know where she was or who Angie was with, "why wasn't she home sooner" he demanded.

After a few months Ken did not like his bride's responses and began beating Angie. One night she had to be taken to the hospital because he broke her nose.


She went to her mothers house for a few days to think things over. Angie asked her mother to remove all the mirrors in the house during her stay, she didn't want to pass a mirror and see what Ken had done to her face.

Ken sent flowers and notes of love to her daily. Angie loved Ken very much and was willing to forgive him. She returned to give Ken another chance.

Believing, as most women do, that all the violence ends just because the person apologizes, like waving a magic wand  over a hat. Sounding like a line from some cheesy movie script Ken claims he's sorry, vowing never to never hit her again.

Two weeks later Ken began beating Angie once again. This time Ken broke her arm.  The following morning Angie went to court and obtained a court order of protection. Shortly after, she moved out and in with a girlfriend on the other side of town. A fews months passed and she hired an attorney and filed for divorce.

From the time Angie moved out of the apartment Ken found ways to send notes and letters to her. Her court order prohibited Ken from communication which also included letters and phone calls. That didn't stop him, he found ways to have notes left on her car windshield in the downstairs mailbox where she lived. In his letters he told her that if she knew what was good for her, she would come back to him, and how God joined them together in holy marriage and they would be together until death.

Dear Angie,

I really do love you with all my heart and soul. I know it seems as if all I do is upset you, that is not my intention. I am really hurting, as I am back and back to stay. I am also trying to make all the changes you want of me, and love, I will make them! I just need to know you want me. I wish they could happen overnight but I know that will take time. Honey, I am really trying my best, and giving my all to you, us and our marriage. That is what means the WORLD TO Me!!! I am just really frustrated that you have not yet tried to put forth an effort to me, us and OUR MARRIAGE. O don't know, I can't read your mind! Choosing your independence, acting single, friends, relatives etc, etc,over me us, OUR Marriage, BABE that hurts, that hurts a lot! I want to give me all and do my best. Now and forever to you,to US, and OUR MARRIAGE. Don't you understand, don't you care? Honey I am trying harder than I ever tried anything before in my life.

Over the period of 11 months Ken sent Angie one or two letters every day. All of his letters were each signed "Love always forever and ever, your husband," and he usually added a P.S. like this:

I know i Fuc---up our marriage, but NOTHING that LOVE, understanding and all effort cannot correct! We both made mistakes together, so please, lets start correcting those mistakes together, and together make the marriage GREAT. Now and forever if you really love me, and your love is true. YOU will find it in your heart to forgive me and start over one last time (no more will ever be needed) TOGETHER WITH ME NOW.

Ken's letters to Angie show desperation to gain control of her. That's all most abusers want to do is regain their power over those they "profess to love." He claimed he was willing to do anything for just one more chance.

Be forewarned!

No one alters their violent outbursts and behaviors by simply waving a magic wand. They will not change, ever. It does not matter what they do for a living be it a car mechanic, doctor, police officer, lawyer, truck driver, accountant, teacher or professional.

Warning Signs to watch out for:

• Extreme jealously and possessiveness; (this applies to dating and marriage and after a break-up)
• They have a need to control others in their environment; (that includes you)
• Name-calling and use of derogatory remarks or constant put-downs;
• Screams and yells then explains why they are speaking to you this way;
• (they may even apologize a day or two later and ask you to understand why they said or had that so called first time reaction-they may make the excuse of being "so" in love with you and ask for another chance-rarely will they apologize)
• Poor communication skill and coping skills (this seems to apply only to you during the relationship. If they had such poor skills how could they be in professions where coping and skills matter and are related to their jobs? )
• Tendency to blame others for their faults/mistakes; ("you know baby I didn't meant it. I had so much going on and am under a lot of pressure, I just blew.") If they do it once it is a pattern in their conduct they have always repeated. This is likely the first time you are aware or have seen it.
• A self-righteous attitude;
• Addiction to not only drugs or booze, but power;

You can't rescue or fix these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

For more information visit Document The Abuse. com

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" fromCourage Network on Vimeo.

From Silence to Victory

This woman given long of nothing,but a chance to give of herself, but still they beat and asked for more.As always she accepted with a facethat never broke.In the struggle to find the hidden way to love, herself, she lost! But she found a way through kind and good to give to every other  and only asked to see the start of a smile.And I who blossomed strong and late have worked and spoke and prayed so long to make her proud. Now in the memories of her far but still not absent ways,  I chose to simply ease her thoughts in anytime of anxious painin the moving moments of a gift of rhyme. And I shall offer her my always love, although I know and hate and fear,
that my forever words are not enough.
And with new words I offer love so late
but still so dear.

Mama, you on this day shall always keep,
this giving praising moment of each thought
and gift,
though to all other moments when they forgot
when you were only always there.
On this day although a great tragedy,
you are being bestowed the greatest honor
one can obtain.
that is of love, family and friends.

You fought long and hard all of your adult life,
we understand that this is God's way of making
the rest of your days that of peace, joy and
harmony that you never demanded
but rightfully deserved.

She paid the price of victory with her life.
Maybe it was for all those who remain silent and
suffered unheard.
I pray we will better understand our tragic loss
and forgive those who turned away,
rest assured Mama,
we will continue to fight
and you will not be among
the silent but victorious!

In memory of my mother Roberta Murphy 1942-1989

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and
 specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals,

 victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing 

prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular 

contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : 

Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! 

a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime Susan is also the daughter of a Chicago Violent Crimes detective who murdered her mother before turning the gun on himself and committing suicide. 

How to Leave a Dangerous Man: Managing Abuse and Leaving with Your Life: The Susan Murphy Milano Show 2:00 PM Eastern Thursday 1/12/2012

Thursday, January 12, 2pm ET

Listen LIVE at: Here Women Talk

Sandra L. Brown, M. A. from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Ed..., and Susan Murphy Milano welcome a special guest to the show who will walk the listeners through the measures taken to keep herself safe and alive.

For a year, she studied the book, “Time’s Up,” line by line, and followed the information contained to the letter, completing the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, and leaving her abuser safely.  She offered to come to the show to take the opportunity to explain to listeners the benefits to doing the work involved to live an abuse free life.

If you’re living in an abusive hell, this is a show you will want to make a point to listen to.  BEFORE you announce to your abuser that it’s over, you are leaving, or you are filing for divorce, there are specific steps you must take to manage your safety. Do not walk out with out it!

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (E.A.A.)© is the mastermind process of violence expert Susan Murphy Milano that combines videotaping of an abuse victims’ actual words attesting to abuse, with witnessed and notarized legal documents that successfully satisfy legal hurdles often faced in intimate partner violence and stalking cases.

Document the Abuse.Com contains vital information on how the EAA can support each case of abuse from the perspective of the first responders and advocates, to an appearance in court.  It explains the legal benefits to the abuse victim, whether they are able to testify or not, how their words are forever documented and hold up in court, much like a Living Will.

www.documenttheabuse.com

I'm excited for this empowering show and like you say, keeping yourself 10 steps ahead is the key. i know i speak for others as well, we all pray for a successful survival and you Susan, have given us the tools to do so.

Completing an EAA educates how to stay safe along with taking all necessary steps to properly Document The Abuse. In addition, along with an emotional sense of security, if anything were to happen, the EAA will be in the hands of the appropriate agency for the appropriate actions and justice can be served because all steps to protect your safety and Document The Abuse have been taken. Thank you Susan for dedicating your life to educating and saving women's lives. forever grateful- comment from a survivor.

"Murphy-Milano Laces Up in New York"

Rockefeller Center, New York December 8, 2011

The lights in New York are amazing. And one of the major attractions in fall and winter is the ice rink at Rockefeller Center. You know the old saying once you haven't done something for a while and you try it again? It's easy like remembering how to ride a bicycle?

I am here to inform it does not apply to ice skating! My ankle's and legs acted as if they had no memory to being strapped and laced up tightly each winter past my teen years in ice skates. My body moving with grace and speed. Sometimes playing better than the boys in a neighborhood game of fierce ice hockey. My hero's were Chicago Black Hawk player's Stan Miketa and Bobby Hull. I even had my very own Chicago Black Hawk ice hockey stick. Tonight, I looked more like an old sketch on an episode of "I Love Lucy."

The final photo taken after a solid hour of falling on my butt is of me on the ice standing upright among strangers. If only for a brief moment, and yes with a little help, I can finally claim bragging rites, I did it!

On a more important note, the holidays can bring added stress to an already stressful world, and a family experiencing violence in the home look for protective angels to surround them, to get them through, and to keep them safe. And I am asking for you to help me help those stay safe!

Two ImaginePublicity angels have come together

with a gift offer for 12 women.

Susan Murphy Milano and Donna Gore "LadyJustice"

have created a special promotion:

12 gifts for 12 special women for

12 days ONLY

The gift special is limited to only the first 12 responses, so it's important to order quickly:

• Order the book, Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship by Susan Murphy Milano on CD. $15
• Receive a FREE "Protect This Woman" necklace, along with a hand written, personalized note from the author, Susan Murphy Milano.

Buy it for yourself, if needed, or buy it for someone you love, either way you are receiving or giving a gift of life and protection. The Time's Up CD ($20 value) contains everything in the book. The CD can be taken to a safe computer and all blank forms can be printed to use when preparing theEvidentiary Abuse Affidavit© included in Chapter 4. The Time's Up book is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and all online and local book retailers, or can be ordered in EBook format atwww.susanmurphymilano.com.

The "Protect This Woman" necklace ($40 value) is a prayer to wear. A hammered sterling silver disc is engraved with "Protect This Woman" and knotted on a black leather cord. A tiny freshwater pearl is a sweet touch. Cord with sterling clasp adjusts 17"-19". If you wish to order the necklace for others on your gift list, they can be ordered from: Signals

Ordering instructions:

• Fill out the form with complete information. All gift purchases will be sent out on Friday, December 16, 2011 in order to reach their destination before Christmas.
• All orders must be paid through PayPal (You do not have to have a PayPal account in order to pay by credit card or debit card) You will be asked to give your information one more time, this insures we have everything correct.
• If you are giving this gift to someone you know in a violent relationship, we recommend you give it to her privately, not with the family present, and be discreet to insure her maximum safety.

$15 for CD copy of Time's Up and "Protect This Woman" necklace.

www.imaginepublicity.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writesproviding commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime

New Tool Provides Victims of Domestic Violence a Voice in the Courtroom- Part 1

[go to the middle of the above photo and the video will play the news story]

Marcella Raymond
WGN News

November 9, 2011

One in four women is abused. Nationwide eight women a day are murdered by an abuser. But now there is a new tool that is helping women stay alive and giving them a voice in the process.


The evidentiary abuse affidavit was born out of Stacy Peterson’s disappearance. It is a tool advocates say will wipe out hearsay since it comes from the woman herself. First she details on paper abuse that, for some, has gone on for decades. The affidavit is witnessed by at least two people and notarized. Then she reads it on tape.


Susan Murphy-Milano has advocated for abused women for more than 20 years. She created the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit.


Through Murphy-Milano, at least 1,000 women in the last year have made the evidentiary abuse affidavit. All of them are still alive.


DuPage County State`s Attorney Robert Berlin says while the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit statements would take away hearsay, now the 6th Amendment comes in to play where a defendant has the right to confront a witness against him. Unless there`s more evidence that proves he made her disappear so she couldn`t testify.


The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit will be available December 25th in app form at apple stores nationwide. The Technology has been developed by WetStone Technologies.


You can also get all the information in Susan Murphy-Milano's book “Time's Up.” It's available on her website www.susanmurphymilano.com


Part 2 of this series Monday, November 14, 2011

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace.

Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.

Radio Shows: Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

Books: Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives.

www.imaginepublicity.com

“Fairy Tales” – Failed Relationships Gone Terribly Wrong… (The Prophetic Words of Anita Baker)

By Donna Gore

When a man and woman, woman and woman, man and man enter into the supposedly sacred state of matrimony, civil union or serious relationship, they think and hope with all of their collective hearts and souls it is forever… The couple is in love, in lust, and may give themselves permission to “wear rose colored glasses” should they have any nagging doubts for as long as that state of euphoria lasts.

Whether we are talking about a chemical, biological or psychological process…. It appears to Ladyjustice to be an evolutionary tale…. One that grows and changes with time. If you are not up for the bumps in the road due to immaturity, your own insecurities, family history or lack of ability to persevere, it can be a recipe for disaster….. Granted, certainly not all broken marriages end in homicide, but…. we might speculate a few theories, such as:

A) Is it perception or fact that intimate partner homicide is becoming more common? According to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence, current data, there are 16,800 homicides (reported) attributed to intimate partner homicide per year and $2.2 million in medically treated injuries costing $37 billion per year!

73% of family violence victims are female;
84% of female victims were spousal abuse victims;
86% of abuse victims are at the hands of a boyfriend;
Females between the ages of 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk for intimate partner violence;
The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds 5.8 billion dollars each year; $4.1 billion of which is for medical and mental health services.

B) Is the media reporting Intimate Partner Homicide more frequently?

According to experts such as Susan Murphy Milano and others…. The answer is “emphatically no…” A qualification is needed. National news organizations that have turned into “entertainment news” as a mainstay versus hard news, and tabloid journalists do their best to portray cases on two ends of the spectrum – those families who in some way have acclaim by virtue of accomplishment, politics, Hollywood or wealth…or those that are so dysfunctional as to be considered freakish.

This leaves the rest of the world, who may be of minority status, poor, perhaps under-educated, living in rural areas, those lacking in technological devices and lacking savvy, knowledgeable law enforcement at a loss and in a state of virtual limbo.

C) Is obtaining a divorce easier than it used to be? If so, why do intimate partners kill?

There is a good article by Wall Street CEO and Author, Natalie Pace of the Huffington Post regarding the considerations of divorce at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-pace/should-you-get-a-divorce-_b_847095.html.

According to Natalie, in some countries you can divorce simply by saying, “I divorce you” three times.

[LJ- ‘Reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she clicks her heels together three times! If only the abused could escape by going to Kansas! ‘Don’t think this step is in Susan Murphy Milano’s Time’s Up book!]

When discussing the eight considerations, of which domestic violence is #1, it is not too much of a stretch to say that some abusers may be aware of the:

The 10-Year Rule:
If your marriage is long-term, defined by many states as 10 years or longer, then the spouse that earns more money might end up paying alimony for life, or until the ex re-marries. If your spouse is itching for a divorce after 9 ½ years of marriage, it could be the 10-year rule they are trying to duck under, to minimize or eliminate paying alimony. So, be aware of what the laws are in your state because divorce laws vary widely across the nation.

Another consideration is Financial Infidelity: The sad truth is that single mothers are the biggest group living in poverty in the United States, and too many abused women are afraid to leave because they feel that they can’t afford to. Community property is handled differently state to state, but at minimum, it is very important to have a bank account in your own name, to have your name on the family real estate, to have your own Individual Retirement Account (s) and 401Ks and to approve all of the investments that your spouse is plunking down money for. It is also important that each of you has money of your own that you can spend (within reason) without getting approval from the other.

• According to statistics provided by DivorceMag.com,

The divorce rate in 2005 (per 1,000 people) was 3.6 — the lowest rate since 1970,

• 8.1% of coupled households consist of unmarried heterosexual partners, according to The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.

• The same study said that only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents — the lowest figure in the Western world.

• As of 2003, 43.7% of custodial mothers and 56.2% of custodial fathers were either separated or divorced. And in 2002, 7.8 million Americans paid about $40 billion in child and/or spousal support(84% of the payers were male).

[LJ- We can infer that as the 2010 Census data is still being tabulated, divorce numbers are no doubt higher, given the fast paced lifestyles of families in general and the severe economic conditions which appear to be sustaining.

D) What about the motivator-murder for the payout of life insurance?

Although specific data could not be located with certainty on line, it is interesting to this blogger that her home state of Connecticut, (which used to be known as the insurance capital of the world…) has taken the lead with the “Slayer Statutes”:

Killing someone for life insurance money is not only a heinous criminal act, its insurance fraud. Jack Dolan of the American Council of Life Insurers, an industry trade group, says that "as a general rule" anyone who is convicted in court or remains under investigation for killing someone in order to collect a life insurance benefit will not receive the payout.

"The fact that a beneficiary is not charged with a crime or is not convicted in a criminal proceeding of wrongfully killing the insured, does not mean that the beneficiary is automatically entitled to receive the policy proceeds," Dolan says.

Many states, such as Connecticut, have specific "slayer statutes" that prevent life insurance beneficiaries from receiving payouts if they "intentionally caused" the insured's death. Some of these states also allow the court to bar payouts if the beneficiary isn't convicted of murder or manslaughter but may have been involved in the insured's demise, such as by hiring someone to kill the insured. The type of conduct that prevents a beneficiary from receiving a death benefit varies from state to state.

Slayer statutes have been enacted in 42 states, and, according to legal experts in Connecticut,some states' statutes allow a court to consider proof other than a criminal conviction to show that a person should not receive their victim's life insurance death benefits. Eleven of those states will allow an "interested person" to ask a court to determine whether a beneficiary who hasn't been convicted of anything could nevertheless be found "criminally accountable" either by "clear and convincing" evidence or by "a preponderance of evidence." So, in these states a beneficiary could avoid a murder rap but still lose out on the death benefit. [LJ- Wow! Let’s get these experts on the radio!]

E) Musical Considerations: Yes… That’s what LJ said…. Who would have thought that the skilled writer and jazz-soul singer, Anita Baker would have captured the essence of what coupled marriages often are not- (especially those in abusive and violent relationships) made in heaven? Our mothers may have filled our heads with the fairy tale ideas that your prince charming is just around the corner, if you look for him….

See lyrics here and Ladyjustice’s comments below.

(Written By: Anita Baker, Vernon Fails & Michael Powell)

If women take the time to examine those maternal messages, we note that they are part of the American dream. “Someday my prince will come” (to the rescue) …and all that crap!

Well, women are in general, very capable and resilient beings unto themselves, in the opinion of Ladyjustice. However, with only 17,000 reported homicides attributed to intimate partner homicide annually, 73 to 86% of said females do need to be rescued from their abuse by being proactive before its too late!

Ladyjustice recommends that readers listen to Anita Baker’s lyrics again…. As they are prophetic indeed!

And the ultimate irony is…. According to internet news sources, Ms. Baker has been involved in a very messy divorce with her husband, apparently suing her for 50% of her song royalties… and threatening to take away her teenaged sons if she does not comply. A Detroit news video interview indicated that she has signed every document asked of her.

[LJ is not an attorney, However, is this not emotional-psychological abuse and blackmail or extortion at minimum?]

Watch out Anita! Who’s got your back?

About The Author Donna Gore, M.A.

What can you learn about overcoming the status of crime victim?

Donna Gore learned the lessons starting in 1981 when her father was murdered. After waiting 6 long years for justice, the journey she was on turned into a passion for helping others in similar situations. Donna was able to transform a negative situation into a positive approach to life through gathering with other victims and aiding them through their own traumas.

Donna pursued this passion by participating in several victim assistance organizations, including Survivors of Homicide and National Organization of Vicitm Assistance (NOVA). In this capacity she is able to facilitate support groups and volunteers her time supporting and escorting victims to court hearings, as well as aiding in fundraising, sponsoring programs and coordinating events.

Through her own experiences, as well as assisting others, Donna is led to many different areas of victim services, including working with teens and the elderly. She has the ability and training to serve victims on many levels, including support while attending trials and writing victim impact statements. These important, yet often overlooked services, are meaningful to those entering into a situation they are not emotionally equipped to handle.

Donna Gore is a noted speaker who has appeared in several media outlets and publications as well as participated in conferences. She has participated in the conceptualizing and passage of legislation benefitting those with medical disabilities.

Donna is a highly skilled speech-language pathologist who has focused on adults with severe cognitive disorders within institutional settings. She has served over 10 years as Human Services Advocate/Case Manager at the Connecticut Services for the Blind. She is dedicated to her clients and resourceful at finding services to meet their needs.

Utilizing her skills, experience and education, Donna is seeking employment in the San Diego County area, seeking a Project or Program Management position in Healthcare, Crime Victim Advocacy, Higher Ed, Government or Event Planning Environments.

You can read Donna Gore’s thoughts on her blog: http://donnagore.wordpress.com

If you would like to schedule Donna Gore for your next event, please fill out the form below or contact ImaginePublicity at 843.808.0859 or email: contact@imaginepublicity.com