Dangerous Love

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talkhttp://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Special Series: One Woman's Journey

Part 5

Seven days remained until Gina could leave. There were a few melt downs. Robert was monitoring Gina more closely. He checked her cell phone, opened her mail. And she caught him following her while running erands in town. She counted the hours and the days. Gina was having difficulty eating and sleeping. Each night she go over her plan either on the 10 inch computer notebook she had hidden in the book case in the den or run it through her mind.

A bombshell of sorts dropped when a close friend nearby called to say there was a death in family and she would be gone for a week unable to take her to pick-up the rental car.

Gina thought as she drove over and got her friends car keys. The car was in need of a part so Gina told Robert she was going to have the car serviced for her friend and then use it to pick up Kathy at the airport the following week.

In a moment of weakness she thought about telling Robert of her plans she was tired of sneaking around it was stressing her out. But something in her gut told her to be silent and move forward with plan B.

Gina’s back up plan was to drive over to her friend’s house have someone take her to the airport to pick up the rental. Then drop off the rental in the alley of her friend’s house and drive the car back home. In the morning before she was to pick up Kathy, Gina would switch out the cars taking the rental to the airport drive back and tell Robert Kathy rented the car. But that plan blew up when Robert came home after work that evening questioning the unusal car behind her friends house. Gina decided not to flinch and she not react to Robert's inquiry.

Three days before the move Robert and Gina fought. “You are up to something, I don’t know what but you are" yelled Robert. A credit card company called today asking for you by name to verify an address change. Gina looked him square in the eyes and said “that’s ridiculous.”

“Don’t you dare leave I will come after you; I love you so much I won’t know what to do with you.” Again,Gina did not react . Instead she replied it was a mistake. “Maybe someone was trying to steal her personal information that is why she pays extra to have the credit fraud on her account.”

On Tuesday Gina met another friend who took her for the rental car. When she returned Gina placed a call from her friend’s home to make changes to her address with a bank and her credit cards. Gina knew Robert could call in every one of her credit cards once he learned she was gone and report them stolen or lost as many abusers will do making them unusable.

But that was something Gina already figured Robert would do. She was just trying to have at least one good credit card to use for emergencies.

Gina was also prepared for Robert to contact the State police and report her missing. He was a lawyer after all and capable of doing almost anything. At her friend’s home Gina typed a quick letter on the keyboard and printed it out for Robert. Then she folded it and placed the envelope in her boot. In the letter she told Robert the marriage was over and that she had contacted the State police just in case he decides to have a buddy issue a missing persons alert.

Gina noted the time and hurried back home before Robert returned. The next day Gina picked up Kathy at the airport. They went over the plan. That evening a few friends would be over for dinner and immediately after Robert leaves for work in the morning Gina had 1 hour to pack the car and go.

Thursday morning Gina’s stomach was in knots. She packed up the car, woke Kathy, and the two women went over the list Kathy had printed and brought with her the list for Gina items they discussed over the phone a week earlier.

Gina placed a note she had written earlier that morning to Robert on the kitchen counter with her house keys and they left. Once on road Gina disabled her cell phone removing the battery to the phone so Robert would not be able to track where she was headed.

In my opinion, Gina is alive because she had a plan. If she did not, we would likely be reading her obituary with our morning coffee.

Special Series: One Woman's Journey

Part 4

The younger daughter moved out and into the home of a relative. The older daughter remained until she found employment and a place to live. Both girls were furious with their father. Gina was upset that Robert did nothing to bring her back into the home.

After dinner Gina decided to speak with Robert. She told him it was no one’s fault. The marriage was not going to work. It was over. Gina made plans to be out of the house over Christmas and would return in January to gather her things and go.

Two days before Christmas Robert received a call from a hospital that his wife was in a horrible accident and he should come immediately. Gina was not expected to survive, but she did. Robert brought her home and for the next three months nursed her back to health. Things were good during that time. When Gina recovered Robert’s controlling behavior resumed. Gina whom was also a forensic accountant started her own business and began traveling. Her plan was to get back on her feet financially and move.

The youngest returned to the home after graduating high school and stayed until it was time to go away to college. That summer Gina and the daughter barely spoke. and when they did it was often unpleasant. Gina had a light bulb moment one evening after Robert came home late and intoxicated. The daughter screamed at her father "how could you do this" she shouted and went on rambling in an attempt to remind her father of his actions while her mother was alive. Gina realized the daughters behavior and anger was taught by her father, communicating the way she was taught. It was at that moment Gina realized the air in the house was toxic. And Robert exhibited an unpredicatable yet potentially dangerous if things did not go his way.

Gina decided it would be best to act as if nothing was wrong and worked on a plan to leave, telling only a few trusted friends.

A month or so later Robert announced he purchased a hand gun, “to keep the house safe he said.” Gina had a bad feeling and continued with her plans to leave. She went to a cell phone store and learned that although she had access to the master account on her cell phone service any changes or updates she made would automatically be sent by the provider to the email address listed with the company. That wasn’t going to work as the email address was Robert’s at the law firm. Instead Gina set up Google Voice a free telephone service on the Internet.

In December Gina took an assignment for 5 weeks in California. She did not inform Robert that her friend from college lived there and that was where she planned on moving. In an environment where she was not constantly monitored Gina developed a clear plan for leaving the relationship.

Gina had a lot of work to do before she could move. When she returned from her trip Gina was distant towards Robert but she remembered what she was told about “throwing him off and acting as if everything was okay.” It was difficult but Gina felt in her gut if she behavior in a certain manner she could be killed.

Gina had a sense of freedom and clever Robert like a coon hound was sensing what I call the “smell change.” That is when the person you are with notices something different in the other person. It can be as simple as how you answer a phone, or when you don’t react to a situation the same way the abuser smells something is up. This is the time when a victim is monitored more closely.

One evening during dinner the phone rang and it was her girlfriend from California. When she hung Robert asked who it was and what was said. With a smile Gina replied “Kathy is flying in for a meeting and she is going to stay with us for a days if that’s okay.”

Robert was delighted. He had never met her and was looking forward to getting to know Gina’s friend. Gina was careful not to talk anymore than usual to Kathy, whether by phone or Internet she did not want to raise any suspicion.

Special Series: One Woman's Journey

Part 3

Gina asked if she could time to think his proposal. Robert told her he could not imagine “his life without her and he had never been so happy and he was hoping and praying she would say yes.”

Gina says he was great giving her space she needed. The couple planned out their lives. Robert said the girls would be happy and once they married, their behavior would settle down and they would accept Gina as a member of the family. The marriage was scheduled for October. When Robert told the girls they blew up. Gina said it wasn’t that Robert was marrying me it was the anger and resentment they held since their mother’s death. Gina said when Robert learned of his wife’s illness he didn’t tell the girls until all possibilities of hope for recovery were exhausted. They resented their father for withholding her condition. After her death they had their father wrapped tightly around each of their fingers punishing him because he was not truthful. Anything they wanted was provided. Robert was more like their personal parental slave. After observing the interaction and behavior over time between Robert and his kids there was more going on than Gina realized.

Robert and Gina spent more time at her home it was peaceful. The couple discussed starting over, finding another home after his youngest graduates. Other promises of what would be, made Gina feel comfortable in her decision to marry Robert.

Violent outburst became common with his daughter who had a year left of high school. His oldest daughter had just finished college and was traveling Europe. The wedding plans changed several times. Gina suggested they wait, but Robert insisted they marry as soon as possible. Shortly before the Christmas holiday the couple secured a marriage license. One morning they decided to not tell anyone and marry at the courthouse.

Robert said he wanted to wait a bit before informing the kids. The following week Robert arranged for movers to bring Gina’s things over to his house. From the moment the first box came off the moving truck and into the home, doors were slammed shut. This went on for several days. If it wasn’t doors slamming his daughter was screaming at the top of her lungs. She shouted at her father “you are selfish, you are an asshole all you ever think about is yourself.” When the oldest returned from Europe to figure out her life plan both girls ganged up on their father.

Robert’s true colors began to show. When Gina would ask questions, Robert would snap and say “forget about it, it will blow over. He also began smothering Gina again. Robert also had a habit of checking all calls received and placed from the home his explaination was to see who was calling for the kids. But Gina was not buying it. And Robert was always demanding to know where she is going, with whom and when will she be returning. Constantly he would call her and when she didn’t answer Gina would be interrogated.

Gina also learned Robert was not the loving husband and father he portrayed to the outside world. By accident Gina met a close family friend who described the less than happy couple. It seems before she was diagnosed a plan was in place to divorce Robert. For many years under the same roof they lived apart he in the basement and she upstairs in the bedroom. Gina could see this was not going to work. When she approached Robert he begged for a little time to work things, “you will see, I promise everything will be alright.”

The environment was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Gina pleaded with Robert to look for another place to live. When she learned that the girl’s mother had actually died in the home Gina was furious because she was never told.

Eleven months into the marriage Gina had enough.

Special Series: One Woman's Journey

Part 2

It was awkward the first hour or so Robert’s children seemed rather taken back that their father was dating someone. Their voices had a tone of anger saying it “was too soon and this wasn’t the right time for a serious relationship.” When Gina recalled her first formal meeting with the girls she witnessed a control and power that in her mind was not normal. Robert always gave into the girl’s demands but not this time. He asked each of his daughters to apologize to Gina for their behavior. This was also a missed sign by Gina.

Gina went to Robert’s house on the weekends and sometimes during the week. They would have dinner together, play cards, watch movie or just hang out. Gina didn’t pay attention at first but Robert was calling her cell phone a few times a day. And when they were not together or Gina was out someplace for the evening Robert would ask that she call to let him know she made it home.

When Gina did not call one evening Robert panicked and waited at her house until she arrived. He said he was worried when she did answer his calls. Look she told him I realize you haven’t been in a relationship for quite some time but I don’t like being so crowded. Gina suggested they cool things off a bit. But Robert promised to be better and not crowd her then he told it was because he was in love with her and he never had these feelings before. Tax time was around the corner and Gina had to get ready for the last minute stampede of clients in a rush to have their taxes prepared.

Robert began to drop by her home almost every evening with a cup of Starbucks coffee for Gina while she worked. Gina would stop was she was doing for ten minutes they would talk and she would go back doing her work on the computer. Sometimes Robert didn’t leave and would fall asleep on the living room couch watching television while Gina prepared client taxes in her office located at the far end of the house.

A week or so after tax season Robert handed Gina a key to his house. She did not want to accept it but Robert insisted. Soon afterwards Robert was showing up at her doorstep with mocha latte’s in hand hanging around until it was time for Gina to go to work.

Gina said at the time she brushed off the early signs of smothering behavior because she truly felt Robert was harmless and she enjoyed spending with him. Robert was by all appearances a warm, gentle and loving father. Gina also mentioned a few times in our conversation how impressed she was with the way he took care of his wife.

Time passed and the two began spending the majority of their free time together. Gina’s childhood friend was terminally ill and she texted Robert to say she was leaving for the airport to be with her and would call me when she returned. Robert was already in her driveway when she sent the text. He knocked on the door said he was stopping to see her anyway and offered to drive Gina to the airport.

With Gina by her side her friend died the following day. There was no reason to stay through the week so Gina changed her flight and returned home. Exhausted and stressed she had a few glasses of wine and went to bed. The following morning as she was pulling out of the driveway there was Robert. Gina said he was rather irritated with her that she didn’t call him when she got home. Another sign Gina completely missed.

The following weekend on the patio, Robert got on one knee and proposed marriage.