Monday, September 19, 2011

Riding and Surviving The Merry-Go-Around

In the aftermath of bloodshed, we often do not see nor hear what happens to those whom survive, abruptly alone to live in a world, forever changed. When those we love are erased from our lives due to rage and violence as a result of killing in the home, the odds of survival in the war of intimate partner are better left for chance at a Las Vegas crap table.

In a double murder-suicide in Oakdale, MN, on Thursday an expert is quoted in news article " The couple's children will live with memory of bloody crime scenes, all their lives."

Upon returning home from school the 6-year old girl came out of the home screaming "mommy dead, daddy dead" on the residential street, her hands covered in her mothers blood. She discovered the bodies. Inside, left unharmed was the 3 year-old boy. He had been in the home the entire time and likely heard and witnessed the rampage. The third child all of 8 years-old was walking towards home after school when he saw his sister.

We are ill equipped in this country to adequately deal with returning veterans from war so how in the heck are we suppose to assist and embrace the children in the war of intimate partner homicide? For God sake's we do not recognize this as a crime.

When your daily existence is on a perpetual crime scene, it is a toxic merry-go-around. Your hope is based on gripping as tightly as you can to the metal pole during the ride. Once the ride stops, you are thrown off, the decent into hell begins. At least during the ride you remained hopeful each day your mother remained alive. Someday's you even thought of ways to momentarily disarm the battle securing yet another day of hope.

Eyes open or closed the children will not be able to stop the viewing of the horror movie playing in their heads 24/7. Add to the unimaginable trauma of being placed in foster care because you are now orphaned. If the State of Minnesota separates the children after all of this, they will each internalize the action as a punishment.

After years on the merry-go-round myself, until I was thrown off in 1989, when my father a Chicago police detective murdered my mother before taking his own life, every day has been a battle. Their crime scene in my childhood home and its bloody mess, is a permanent tattoo. I would like to believe based on my life's work as a violence expert and author, that I am the exception. But I am not. Years ago, striving on a daily basis to prove the experts whom said I would not survive the war, wrong. Turning the path of "it is not possible" into "yes I will show you," minus the drugs they insisted would be required as a key to my quality of life.

To build the strong foundation required for survivors of war is vital to their success in life. The prescription does not include text book therapies from "experts" who think an injury on someone else's hand requires a bandage when they have cut open a major artery.

Anyone wishing to offer help for the victims' families can send money in care of the Apostolic Church of the Faith in Jesus Christ, 1534 E. 24th St., Minneapolis, MN 55404.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence cases and prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for interviews, please contact: ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email-

1 comment:

Donna R. Gore said...

I just saw an inspiring movie from Netflix, called White Squall" with Jeff Bridges. It was about the survival of a group of young men aboard a sailing ship. Six men die at the end of the movie, despite their skills and lessons learned at sea.

Prior to the rolling of credits, as the young men try to defend their Captain in court, there is a wonderful quote that applies to all hardship... and particularly Susan's if I may use a sailing metaphor -

"You can't run from the wind;
You face the music;
You trim your sails
And you keep going."

'Keep on sailin' Susan!


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