Friday, October 21, 2011

Intimate Partner Violence "Enemy Within the Walls"

A home is suppose to be a safe place. For two very special children, this past week, it would be their graves.

How many nights did mommy and daddy argue? Just before bedtime, how often did the children ask God to keep them safe before going to sleep? Most kids growing up in violent homes always whisper to God requesting "make daddy stop hurting mommy."

I remember kneeling at the side of my bed as a child reciting the prayer "Now I Lay me Down to Sleep."

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Did I have an understanding of the prayer as a child, no. Thinking about the words now sends chills down my spine. Many a day was spent believing morning would never come. Threats of my father starting the house on fire, followed by specific details of how he would commit the perfect crime and ultimately get away with murder if my mother ever decided to leave him. I can still hear his words, "who is going to believe you Roberta, I'm a cop, just remember that." That was his promise to her, one he would make good when she finally did divorce him in 1989.

For Molly Friedander, age 10, and her brother Gregory, age 8, they likely heard the arguing and violent brutal beating happening to their mother several hundred feet away. A child always knows the scent and feel of imminent danger. Paralyzed by fear, they remain in their room as they had likely done before during other fights, hiding under the covers until the fighting stopped.

After he beat Amy Friedander to death, Samuel walked down the hall first to Molly's room, he took direct aim, with his 12-gauge shotgun. The next bedroom door was Gregory's, he repeated the same. Afterwards, he went down to the basement and killed himself.

This tragedy should be a wake-up call for anyone ending a relationship. Do not think for one second, this cannot happen to you, or believe it can never get that bad, or ever result in murder. You are in for a rude awakening!

If Amy Friendander were here she would likely shout at the top of her lungs, "leave-while you can still get out with your life." But, she and her children, are no longer here. In her heart, Amy never imagined her husband would go that far and kill the entire family.

My mother also made similar mistakes. She allowed the fear to traumatize her to the point where she stayed and lived as a prisoner in her own home. My mother believed if she stayed, just until we were old enough and out of harms way, it would keep us alive. And, it did, but at a great cost to our own quality of life.

When she died I vowed to save lives and change how intimate partner crimes are handled. Because of my mother's murder some amazing tools have been created for a victims of violence. Proudly, thus far, every single woman and child who have come to me through the many years for assistance, are alive and well, living happy and productive lives. A lot of the information to leave safely can be found in the book,
Time's Up.

Time's Up! If you doing nothing but prepare the abuse video and affidavit prescribed in the
information provided below, you have taken a big step towards having your words stick if
something happened to you. Telling a close friend or family member about the terror and abuse
is not enough to make an arrest or prosecute in a court of law.

The month of October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Intimate partner violence occurs 365 days a year, 7 days a week. Perhaps doing something for those who you know are in a rocky or violent relationship is a start to how you can help others.

Providing information on what you need to do if you or someone you know is in a potentially violent relationship is done with the hope of saving lives. My work in the area of intimate partner violence prevention is a direct result of not being able to save my own mother back in 1989, killed by her police detective husband prior to committing suicide.

If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when she announces her plans or leaves an abusiverelationship. The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship"is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available on, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is:

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship, create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or arefoundmurdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel, Summer Inman,Kelly Rothwell and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

If you have questions, the email address is:

This book doesn't merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues...she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don't need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME'S UP can save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

On October 31, 2001--Technology is about to change the way victims of domestic violence and stalking will be able to document and video the abuse and potential threats against their lives. It is also a unique way, once the technology is used across the country, for abusers to think twice about making their spouse or girlfriend vanish without a trace. In her absence, if the victim has completed the process, called the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" it will bring an arrest and a solid case for prosecutors.


To significantly reduce the number of homicides and missing persons per year by
providing cutting edge technology and vital knowledge that will first give potential
victims a fighting chance, a strong voice, provide valuable non‐reputable evidence that
will aid in any investigations, eventual conviction, overruling “hearsay” laws, in the
worst case scenarios and provide a powerful deterrent against would‐be attackers.

To significantly reduce the costs incurred by law enforcement, the justice system and health
care services, including insurance claims, each costing taxpayers annually.

About the Conference

Nationally recognized Intimate Partner Specialist, Susan Murphy Milano, and Chet Hosmer of
WetStone Technologies, a wholly owned subsidiary of Allen Corporation of America are
partnering to bring a newly created technology that will revolutionize the way cases of intimate partner violence are handled at every level. The technology will be unveiled nationally October 31 at the Techno‐Forensic Conference in Myrtle Beach, SC. http://www.techno‐ - If you are interested in covering the event or writing a story please contact Delilah@imagine or for more information call 843.808.0859


Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for training and interviews, please contact:ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email-

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