Forget The Magic and Move On, but #LeaveSafely

Ken and Angie met at work. Because they lived in a small town in Iowa, running into one another at the grocery store, church, or neighborhood bar was common. Out of the blue, it just happened that they began dating.

Within a year Angie and Ken married. Within weeks after their marriage Ken felt the need to question his bride's every move when she was "out of range." If she took longer than usually to return home after work ended or took too long at the grocery store he would be in her face and demand to know where she was or who Angie was with, "why wasn't she home sooner" he demanded.

After a few months Ken did not like his bride's responses and began beating Angie. One night she had to be taken to the hospital because he broke her nose.


She went to her mothers house for a few days to think things over. Angie asked her mother to remove all the mirrors in the house during her stay, she didn't want to pass a mirror and see what Ken had done to her face.

Ken sent flowers and notes of love to her daily. Angie loved Ken very much and was willing to forgive him. She returned to give Ken another chance.

Believing, as most women do, that all the violence ends just because the person apologizes, like waving a magic wand  over a hat. Sounding like a line from some cheesy movie script Ken claims he's sorry, vowing never to never hit her again.

Two weeks later Ken began beating Angie once again. This time Ken broke her arm.  The following morning Angie went to court and obtained a court order of protection. Shortly after, she moved out and in with a girlfriend on the other side of town. A fews months passed and she hired an attorney and filed for divorce.

From the time Angie moved out of the apartment Ken found ways to send notes and letters to her. Her court order prohibited Ken from communication which also included letters and phone calls. That didn't stop him, he found ways to have notes left on her car windshield in the downstairs mailbox where she lived. In his letters he told her that if she knew what was good for her, she would come back to him, and how God joined them together in holy marriage and they would be together until death.

Dear Angie,

I really do love you with all my heart and soul. I know it seems as if all I do is upset you, that is not my intention. I am really hurting, as I am back and back to stay. I am also trying to make all the changes you want of me, and love, I will make them! I just need to know you want me. I wish they could happen overnight but I know that will take time. Honey, I am really trying my best, and giving my all to you, us and our marriage. That is what means the WORLD TO Me!!! I am just really frustrated that you have not yet tried to put forth an effort to me, us and OUR MARRIAGE. O don't know, I can't read your mind! Choosing your independence, acting single, friends, relatives etc, etc,over me us, OUR Marriage, BABE that hurts, that hurts a lot! I want to give me all and do my best. Now and forever to you,to US, and OUR MARRIAGE. Don't you understand, don't you care? Honey I am trying harder than I ever tried anything before in my life.

Over the period of 11 months Ken sent Angie one or two letters every day. All of his letters were each signed "Love always forever and ever, your husband," and he usually added a P.S. like this:

I know i Fuc---up our marriage, but NOTHING that LOVE, understanding and all effort cannot correct! We both made mistakes together, so please, lets start correcting those mistakes together, and together make the marriage GREAT. Now and forever if you really love me, and your love is true. YOU will find it in your heart to forgive me and start over one last time (no more will ever be needed) TOGETHER WITH ME NOW.

Ken's letters to Angie show desperation to gain control of her. That's all most abusers want to do is regain their power over those they "profess to love." He claimed he was willing to do anything for just one more chance.

Be forewarned!

No one alters their violent outbursts and behaviors by simply waving a magic wand. They will not change, ever. It does not matter what they do for a living be it a car mechanic, doctor, police officer, lawyer, truck driver, accountant, teacher or professional.

Warning Signs to watch out for:

• Extreme jealously and possessiveness; (this applies to dating and marriage and after a break-up)
• They have a need to control others in their environment; (that includes you)
• Name-calling and use of derogatory remarks or constant put-downs;
• Screams and yells then explains why they are speaking to you this way;
• (they may even apologize a day or two later and ask you to understand why they said or had that so called first time reaction-they may make the excuse of being "so" in love with you and ask for another chance-rarely will they apologize)
• Poor communication skill and coping skills (this seems to apply only to you during the relationship. If they had such poor skills how could they be in professions where coping and skills matter and are related to their jobs? )
• Tendency to blame others for their faults/mistakes; ("you know baby I didn't meant it. I had so much going on and am under a lot of pressure, I just blew.") If they do it once it is a pattern in their conduct they have always repeated. This is likely the first time you are aware or have seen it.
• A self-righteous attitude;
• Addiction to not only drugs or booze, but power;

You can't rescue or fix these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

For more information visit Document The Abuse. com

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" fromCourage Network on Vimeo.

Jacque Waller: Missing Mother and Hero

by Susan Murphy-Milano

In the early afternoon of June 1, 2011, Jacque Sue Waller, 39, met with her attorney to finalize the divorce from her estranged and abusive husband, Clay Waller, 40, in Cape Girardeau County, Missouri.  Clay Waller was a former police officer turned contractor and his wife, Jacque, was employed for several years with Blue Cross Blue Shield. According to family members, after years of abuse, she gained the courage to end the relationship with him, packed up her triplets and moved into her sister’s home the previous year.  

After the meeting with her attorney, Jacque drove to Clay Waller’s rental home to pick up the couple’s 5-year old son, Maddox. What she didn’t know was that her son wasn’t there, but was at the home of her soon to be ex-husband’s new girlfriend.  Jacque made a call to her sister at 4:00 pm and left a message to let her know she arrived safely at Clay Waller’s home and would return soon.  This was the last call she would make. 

Clay Waller lured her to his home for, what police now believe, was the sole purpose of killing her. When police interviewed Clay Waller, he claimed the couple got into a fight and Jacque stormed out of the house, on foot, around 4:00 pm. He told investigators that he left the home soon afterwards and when he returned, around 6:00 pm, Jacque’s car was gone from the driveway.  Jacque’s abandoned car was found the next day off I-55 (near Jackson/Fruitland, Missouri) disabled with a flat tire. According to law enforcement, the flat tire was staged and had been punctured with a sharp object.  Her laptop was still in the back seat and police subsequently took it into evidence, and later discovered Jacque’s journal on the computer containing dates and times of conversations and threats Clay Waller made against her life. 

On June 3, 2011, a judge signed the warrant to search Clay’s home and investigators uncovered important evidence.  Five days later, when they attempted to question Clay, he hired an attorney and refused to cooperate with the investigation. 

On July 29^th, 2011, police charged Waller with stealing and harassment. Clay Waller had accepted payment as a contractor in the amount of $55,000 for work never completed.  A judge set bail at $65,000 cash bond. (Waller’s arrest has nothing to do with Jacque disappearance) At the end of August he’s able to make bail and is released. He is arrested again, this time for Internet  against Jacque’s sister, this time facing Federal charges.

Within the first month of Jacque Waller’s disappearance there was very little media coverage about the case, locally or nationally. I spoke with her parents, Stan and Ruby Rawson, and they, along with Monica Caison from CUE Center for Missing Persons, appeared on my weekly radio show, Time’s Up.  We also  booked appearances on The Roth Show and Crime Wire exposing to listeners the abuse Jacque endured during her marriage.  Soon afterwards national media outlets picked up the story and the spotlight was finally turned on the case. Major searches for Jacque were planned in the coming weeks afterwards. 

The family registered the case with CUE Center for Missing persons in North Carolina, and the Scott County Missouri Search and Rescue K-9 Team, both non-profit organizations aiding families of the missing. They began to map out areas and began searching for Jacque.  According to searchers on the ground, during one of the large scale searches, Clay Waller drove by the 150 volunteers, honked his car horn, blew them kisses and flipped them his middle finger.

In September, 2011, another break in the missing mother’s case occurred when Clay Waller’s father related to police hisson’s confession to him that he broke her neck during an argument. Waller’s father was ill and in a nursing home when the interview was conducted by law enforcement. Prosecutors were unable to obtain a video affidavit in time and Waller’s father died in the nursing home on December 20^th, 2011, taking his information to the grave.

The first holiday without Jacque proved difficult for the family.  The triplets, now six years old and living with Jacque’s sister, know their mom is gone and made a special Christmas wish for Jacque to be found so they can visit her and place flowers on her gravesite.

On January 3, 2012, Clay Waller received a five year sentence in federal prison for threatening the legal guardian of his children, and his wife’s sister, online. 

During the last of week of April I was invited to Cape Girardeau by the Scott County Search and Rescue K-9 Team for a series of events to train law enforcement and lecture, bringing them awareness about intimate partner homicide and to highlight Jacque’s case. Just days before my arrival in Missouri, Clay Waller was charged with first-degree murder, as well as tampering charges included by the prosecutor. If convicted, he may spend the rest of his life in jail.  Clay Waller appeared on the murder charges in court today, with another hearing date set for the end of July..

                                             Jacque's Parents Stan and Ruby Rawson

Jacque Waller was, in my opinion, a very brave woman.  To endure the hell of abuse on a daily basis, and then figure out a way to leave with her three kids is remarkable, something many women aren’t able to do before they are murdered.  But, she did.  What Jacque Waller also does was set the tone for her kids, and no matter what happened to her she conveyed to them, by her actions, as only a mother can, that they will be safe. 

This should be a wake-up call for anyone involved in an abusive relationship.  Before you announce the marriage or relationship is over, have a solid game plan. Prepare the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and video.  Follow the information in thebook Time’s Up, and never, under any circumstances, agree to meet with the abuser alone.

 Document The Abuse Website

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases. She is the creator of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit.

Are You Wearing Their Shoes?

When any victim of abuse or stalking  allows their boyfriend or husband to hurt them, you are saying to that person what is happening to you is acceptable.  As a victim you truly believe the person is going to change.  In the majority of violent relationships, that never happens.

We taped a show on "Crime Wire" with two women whom candidly discussed how their "Prince Charmings" quickly turned into the nightmare from hell street.  On paper "he looked good and fit all of the qualifications I was looking for" says Barbara.  She would end her dangerous relationship in November of 2011 after 30 years of marriage.

Tracey Murphy would return to him, "the love of her life," eight times before she gained the strength and courage to leave.

Both women prepared a solid plan of action.  Was it easy for them? The answer is no.  For both Tracey and Barbara their breaking points came when they realized their lives were in danger and they were hanging by a thread.  They are alive today because of the information available in the book "Time's UP A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships."

If, after you've listened to the show and hear or see yourself in their shoes, NOW is the time for you to take action and create a specific safety plan.  A lot of helpful information you'll need to begin is located on the Website Document The Abuse.com.  If you have questions, I can always be reached via email at murphymilano@gmail.com.

Listen to internet radio with Inside Lenz Network on Blog Talk Radio

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

You cannot plead with an abuser and walk away from potentially life threatening situations if you are unable to learn the steps necessary to protect yourself. Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships will allow anyone to orchestrate what is needed to be safe.

"If you are a sophisticated, aware woman, you will find things you didn’t know to help yourself and others. If you are a stay-at-home-mom who has been controlled since a teenager and doesn’t know the first thing about leading an independent life, you’ll find all the details you need to escort you through the risk-filled and often baffling transition ahead . Time's Up by Susan Murphy Milano: is the best companion an abused woman can have."  Kathryn Casey, True-Crime Author

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example in English

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example in Spanish

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example for Men who are being abused

Available on Amazon or Kindle

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and
 specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals,

 victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing 

prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular 

contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : 

Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! 

a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime Susan is also the daughter of a Chicago Violent Crimes detective who murdered her mother before turning the gun on himself and committing suicide. 

Dangerous Love: Are you Prepared?

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

You cannot plead with an abuser and walk away from potentially life threatening situations if you are unable to learn the steps necessary to protect yourself.  Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships will allow anyone to orchestrate what is needed to be safe.

"If you are a sophisticated, aware woman, you will find things you didn’t know to help yourself and others.  If you are a stay-at-home-mom who has been controlled since a teenager and doesn’t know the first thing about leading an independent life, you’ll find all the details you need to escort you through the risk-filled and often baffling transition ahead .  Time's Up by Susan Murphy Milano:  is the best companion an abused woman can have  Kathryn Casey, True-Crime Author

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example in English

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example in Spanish

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example for Men who are being abused

Available on Amazon or Kindle

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and
 specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals,  victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime .

Behind Closed Doors: Verbal, Emotional, Physical Abuse

Suffering in silence behind closed doors with verbal, emotional and physical abuse is unhealthy and dangerous.  


I know you believe that special person in your life whom you love with all heart will "someday" return to the person they were when you began the relationship.  But it's not likely to happen.


Did you ever stop and ask yourself, how do you stay with a person who is harming you?  Calling you names or threatening you one minute only to change and say they've forgiven you, the next.  What exactly are you being forgiven for?  What did you do to deserve being screamed at or hit and thrashed about a room by you hair? Or told by the person professing their love, if you ever leave them, you'll be killed.  


I know you believe the person you love so much would never truly go so far as to kill you like those other women we read about in the news who go missing or are found dead, think again!   Kelly Rothwell, Jacque Waller, Gayle McCaffrey, Susan Powell, Renee Pagel, Stacy Peterson, Lisa Stebic, Amanda Graham, Hope Meek, Patty Vaughan, Nicole Fields, Kimberly Langwell, Sheena Morris, Valarie Calderon, Venus Stewart, Angel Downs, Lisa Shuttlesworth, Amanda Leher, Michelle Parker the list is endless of women and mother's just like you who refused to believe they'd be murdered by their boyfriend or husband's claiming to love them, literally to death.   Each of these women thought exactly as you do while they were alive. That it could never happen to them.


If you are in an abusive relationship, why don't you begin by being honest with yourself for once and admit your relationship is now dangerous.  That you may not have the opportunity to wake-up alive today or the following morning.  That you will enrage the person who is abusive so much you'll either be murdered in cold blood and if you have kids they will be motherless.  Is that what you really want, to die or to be a name and a number on a missing person's report listed on a national data base?


How about today, you look in the bathroom mirror and tell yourself, you're worth more than being a punching bag.  


How about today, you tell yourself, Enough!


It is time for you to remove the dangerous toxic abusive person from your life.


It is time for you and your precious children to leave the violence that is holding your live's hostage.


It is time for you to realize that there may not be a next time.


It is time for you to get the hell out of your own way, wake up, and understand the reason's you do not "feel safe," is because you are not!


You cannot plead with an abuser and walk away from potentially life threatening situations if you are unable to learn the steps necessary to protect yourself.  Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships will allow anyone to orchestrate what is needed to be safe.

"If you are a sophisticated, aware woman, you will find things you didn’t know to help yourself and others.  If you are a stay-at-home-mom who has been controlled since a teenager and doesn’t know the first thing about leading an independent life, you’ll find all the details you need to escort you through the risk-filled and often baffling transition ahead .  Time's Up by Susan Murphy Milano:  is the best companion an abused woman can have  Kathryn Casey, True-Crime Author

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example in English

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example in Spanish

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit document preparation and video example for Men who are being abused

Available on Amazon or Kindle

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and
 specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals,

 victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing 

prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular 

contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : 

Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! 

a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime Susan is also the daughter of a Chicago Violent Crimes detective who murdered her mother

before committing suicide.

. 

Holding My Hand Through Hell the latest book by Violence Prevention Specialist, 

Susan Murphy Milano, is slated for release on October 3, 2012.

To place your *order CLICK HERE

Ice Cube Press

Based on a true story, told with the flow of a novel, spiced with frank wisdom and wit, Holding My Hand Through Hell
 encourages the reader to immerse themselves into this family’s life and is an inspiration to become an advocate for 
change in this world we all share. This book will incite discussion, debate, and heightened awareness about hope,
survival, abuse, murder, and its impact on our society. In the end, it will leave readers both applauding this 
woman as well as wondering how she escaped, sometimes at the eleventh hour. Twenty years later, she has 
realized that God must have been holding her hand through hell, delivering her from the evils of her life in order to 
save others.

Includes a foreword by Diane Fanning, Edgar nominated award-winning, true crime author.

This poignant well-written book tells the story of a police officer’s family and one daughter’s quest for justice 
long after'the heart-wrenching murder of her mother. Susan Murphy Milano embraces a legacy of unconditional
 love and faith to triumph over a life plagued with unspeakable abuse and pain.

Website: Holding My Hand Through Hell

Website: Susan Murphy-Milano www.susanmurphy-milano.com