Susan Murphy Milano: Breaking My Own Chains of Fear

Suddenly, the divorce was being contested. The son’s father had a new expensive attorney representing him. She wondered how he could afford a four hundred dollar an hour attorney from the largest law firm in town.The woman was summoned to court on an emergency order filed by her husband’s lawyer. She could not figure out for the life of her what was happening. In court, both of their lawyers filed their appearances on behalf of their clients.

Immediately, the judge ordered the case sealed. The court determined she was a public figure, and it would not be in her child’s best interest if people had access to their personal information. The judge without a hearing granted the removal and temporary custody of her son to his father. The mother was devastated as any parent male or female when their own flesh and blood is ripped from their hearts.

They left out the courtroom, the woman asked to speak with her son’s father for a moment.“Why are you doing this? We had an agreement.” He smiled. “Had, meaning past tense.

We no longer have an agreement. All I am going to tell you is watch your back. You have pissed off a lot of people in this town who want to see you go down.” He excused himself and left.
Later that day, the woman met privately with someone from city government, hoping they would be able to provide answers to her questions.

“You have not only embarrassed the city, you cost them a tremendous amount of money in assisting families by filing wrongful deathlawsuits on their behalf.” “What are you talking about, she asked?” “You heard me,” said the city official.“Who is behind this?” she demanded to know.“I am not at liberty to disclose details. I will tell you that you better re-think how you are assisting your clients. Make sure you have release forms indicating you are an advocate, not a lawyer and signed by every single client. "Cause lady they ain’t finished with you yet." Lay low for awhile. I would not do any media interviews if I were you. Tighten your seat belt, you are in for a bumpy ride” The woman thanked him for his time and left. The woman’s divorce had turned into another war.

She had no strength left to fight this battle. Her son, like so many man and women who lose custody of their children as another way to manipulate and control their victims was now a casualty of the cruel and common tactics often used in divorce as one parent attempts to send the other out for slaughter. This experience was similar to what the woman witnessed while helping others to whom she had provided assistance, watching while abusers continued to victimize women and their children, as they were ending the relationship with the person. As with all battered women her emotional mental stability became a major issue before the judge in court, due to accusations from the son’s father, citing that she had grown up in a violent household and how her father had killed her mother in 1989. Yes, the woman I speak of is me.

“She’s crazy!” the lawyer said during the next status hearing in court, using newspaper articles about me advocating for other victims and my parents’ death certificates to make his irrelevant point. He waived them like a flag in front of the judge. Proving his ignorance of victimology he exclaimed “your Honor, we ask the court to consider the public life lived and led by the plaintiff.
She speaks, lives and breathes her parents’ tragedy. At this time we feel it is in the best interest of the minor child and his safety to ask that continued temporary custody be awarded to my client, the child’s father, until such time as Ms. Murphy-Milano can be seen by a psychiatrist to determine her fitness as a parent. Additionally, we have filed a motion with the court ordering a mental health evaluation.”

In disbelief my lawyer said “Your honor, I object. The only harm being done to the minor child is this child's father denying access to his mother. If council is so insistent on a mental health assessment, then I respectfully ask the court for an evaluation on Mr. Milano,” responded my lawyer. I sat at the table with my attorney, stunned by the lies from my son’s father. My attorney objected to the motion, saying there was no basis for the allegations the other side was presenting. “Conveniently taking what my client does to help others is not a valid reason to deny visitation or remove custody. Your Honor, the respondent has manufactured lies, there is no proof to back up these outrageous allegations,”said my attorney.“It’s best for the child that we err on the side of caution,” responded the judge. The judge ruled that both my son’s father and I schedule mental health evaluations with a person chosen by the courts. In the meantime, no decision would be made as to when I would be allowed to have visitation with my son. The judge wanted to wait until after the mandated evaluations.

I knew this process could take months. It was clear my son’s father was angry with me for ending the marriage, and he was going to use my son to teach me a painful lesson. Denying access to my son was devastating. Now I was in the same boat without oars to row, like many other women to whom I had provided assistance. More importantly, my son was a helpless pawn in his father’s sick game. With the tables reversed, I was alone. I had similar feelings when my mother died. My son had been ripped away from me. I knew where all of this was headed and I wanted no part of it. I was unable to fight both the legal system and now my son’s father.

Whoever was behind this master plan wanted me out of the way. The words my son’s father used in court were like daggers thrown at perfect aim, straight at my heart. Because the court records to my divorce had been sealed, any hope of regaining visitation or custody of my son was sealed as well. The powers that be knew the media would have no access to the divorce case file. And would likely not investigate what was happening in the divorce proceeding because the proceedings and records were closed off to the public.The legal system and the political machine were punishing me for refusing to play ball. The divorce was final with custody issues in reserve to be revisited at a later date.
Suddenly, I did not feel worthy as a mother. I questioned my faith in the legal system and in God.

People use fear to silence other people. For nearly 20 years that tactic has worked on me, until now. Pandora's box has been opened and without my knowledge. The 1993, seal on my divorce lifted and the contents now open to the public for which I have provided a link HERE for anyone interested. (Case Information Cook County, Illinois, Summary for Case Number 1993D012470)

I only learned the file was unsealed after receiving a phone call from a person from another State where I resided from 2000-2006. My son's father was well aware that I moved back to Illinois. And I have documentation of our correspondence from my son's father at my Cook County, Illinois, mailing address. Once again he has used a back handed method to have a legal case proceed without my knowledge. I was not legally or properly served. It also shows on the court docket computer screen that I "participated" in a few hearings which makes me wonder if my former husband had a woman in court pretending to be me?

Fear should have died with my father. Instead the power of the secrets that have held my heart in chains die as I press this send button, now.

Stay tuned to part two of this series "Disabling Secrets Empowers Our Truth" Monday, June 15, 2009.

Roller Coaster

Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is always accompanied and often follows emotional abuse, for example, emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behavior towards her or simply accept it.
There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse। They include a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others। They include: Isolation The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does। This can take the form of simply not allowing her to use the phone, have her friends round or visit her family, or ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad mood because she left some housework undone, making her feel guilty that she was out enjoying herself while he worked, or even encouraging her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discounting them or complaining that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby than she does him or is neglecting him. Some abusers may move home frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network or slowly chip away with their existing relationships with family and friends. Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority over and take their partner away from them, i.e. poses a threat. The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependant on the abuser for all her social needs. Forms of Isolation include: Checking up on you when your out running simple errands; Accusing you of sleeping around;Moving to an isolated away from friends and family ; Making sure you only have one car or no telephone service where you are living ;Making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when they call or visit and they slowing stop contacting you; Punishing you for being 10 minutes late home from work by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse; Not allowing you to leave the house on your own, they always have to be with you; Demanding a report on your actions and conversations on a daily basis; Preventing you from leaving the home and working any kind of job; Not allowing any activity which no not include them; Finding fault with your friends/family; If you are allowed to work-insisting on taking you to and picking you from work; In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities.
Abuse When thinking of abuse : we tend to see the abuser yelling out insulting names at the victim, and while this does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling.
The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (for example,। you've got a mind like a porch step; you're stupid; etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (perhaps who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs. Verbal abuse can include: Yelling or shouting at you; Making threats; Insulting you or your family; Being sarcastic about or criticizing your interests, opinions or beliefs ;Humiliating you either in private or in public; Sneering, growling, name-calling; Withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation; Refusing to discuss issues which are important to you; Laughing or making fun of you inappropriately; Leaving nasty messages on your cell phone or at home; Accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy you;Blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse; All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.
If you feel you are not ready to leave your situation and you would like someone to talk with about your options, Please consider contacting the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence their services are free and confidential। They will provide referrals in your area। All it costs you is your time. The number is 18000-799-SAFE. Or visit them on the web at
http://www.ncadv.org/