Wednesday, June 1, 2011

F.E.A.R. in Intimate Partner Violence Relationships

Over the past few weeks while on the road I assisted many involved in intimate partner violence relationships to prepare the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and Video." Preparing this in your own words (similar to a last will and testament)whether police have ever responded to your home AFTER an incident of violence is important prior to you announcing or ending the relationship. An abuser has a plan of attack, a victim must be ten steps ahead and have a plan in place. Those I met and helped prepare the documents were married for over 25 years, others just barely a year. They all shared a common bond, fear.

Fear of what will happen to their safety if they leave. Fear of not being believed by friends and family that the person with whom they had chosen to spend their lives with is indeed violent, dangerous and unpredictable. Fear of loosing their children. Fear of the unknown.

If you are involved in a intimate partner violence or stalking relationship I would like you to think about the feeling of fear. It does not wear well on anyone, and that includes you. The unknown in our lives should be an opportunity to soar through the skies, a source of delight and wonderment; it should not be overshadowed by the threat and focus of someone else’s rage. No one should have to live in constant fear, always dreading the sound of the car pulling into the drive, or the key turning in the lock.

The time has come for you to take control of your fear, to be the “Facilitator Ending the Abusive Relationship.”

Facilitate v. 1. to make easier 2. to hold firm 3. to control the room

Ending n. 1. to stop or halt 2. to finish

Abusive a. 1. to mistreat or cause pain 2. to use wrongly 3. to berate or control

Relationship n. 1. connection with another person with whom you will disconnect

You are going to be the F.E.A.R catalyst of your future. By focusing your energy, and putting forth a commitment, you will find that over time, your attitude will begin to change. As you uncover your inner strength, you will be empowered to be a success survivor.

From this day forward, each time you hear the word fear, it will have a new meaning in your life. Now when you feel its presence chill your blood, you will no longer be paralyzed. Instead, you will be energized as its presence serves as a source of fuel that is necessary for the success of your mission: to stop the abuse, to survive.

A person who uses coercion, manipulation, threats, or force to gain control over another person is an abuser. An abuser can be a man or a woman, someone you have a current relationship with, or someone with whom you once shared a past.

The face of domestic abuse is hidden behind many disguises, but the abusers all share a common trait: they need to control.

An abuser thrives on control, and will use any means available to maintain and exercise that control, even violence.

Violence at any level is intentional. In simple terms, what this means it that the abuser makes a conscious choice to control your life by using threats, intimidation, isolation and even force. When violence happens, it does not mean that the abuser has lost control; it means that the abuser wants to maintain power, and increase control over you.

Intimate Partner abuse (domestic abuse), whether verbal, emotional, financial or physical, only gets worse over time. Unless you take action to stop the violence, it will not go away. There is no magic wand to wave that will make it disappear. There is only one person who can stop the abuse, and that person is you.

Once you are threatened, hit, stalked, questioned in a controlling way, a second chance to save your life, is no longer an option.

“If you are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation, know that there are measures you must take before announcing the end of your relationship. These safety precautions can be found in the book, "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship" by Susan Murphy Milano. Don't take things into your own hands without expert guidance.” (Mothers Are Vanishing)

I cannot stress enough, if you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship" is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available on, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is:

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic,
Kelly Rothwell or arefound murdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel,Summer Inman, and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!
Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

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