Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Lethal Relationship Indicator

The Lethal Relationship Indicator
--Any person who hits their partner is capable of serious bodily harm. Plain and simple, especially a person who is legally required to carry a badge and a gun.

--Choking can be lethal and you can have hidden injuries that can cause death from choking that may not show up for several days.

--A huge indicator...does he/she abuse animals and family pets? Any person who can harm and animal will harm people. Do they hunt with their co-workers or by themselves?
Are they extremely rough with household pets?

--While not all people who drink or use drugs are violent...officers who are violent AND use drugs and/or alcohol can be lethal.

More indicators:
Lethal Indicators For Abusers of the Badge

The Checklist for "Is He/She Lethal?"
The Assessment of how much danger you are in?

You should be advised that the presence of these indicators may mean your abuser is planning to kill you. Do not ever say, "It cannot happen to me." Or, “It’s not so bad”. And violence is not gender specific. Meaning it happens just as frequently as in same sex relationships, it is just not talked about as much. Too many women, like you, are risking your life when you stay, especially if the abuser is in law enforcement.

This means you must take immediate action
to protect yourself!

You must carefully develop a good safety plan that includes the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and video (example below) and found in the book Time's Up so you will be able to describe and document in your own words at the hands of an abusive person.  This could be someone you ended the relationship with and are no longer dating, or in the process of leaving, or have already divorced.

Do not tell the peron you are ending the relationship, seeing a lawyer or filing for a divorce. That may trigger the abuser into harming you and or your children. In most of the deaths that involved officers wives or girlfriends, they were in the process of ending the relationship. And those women were either killed or have never been found.

The abuser knows what to do. You have to know what to do in order to safely leave the relationship when your “GUT” tells you something is very, very wrong. You know the looks, the phrases and the non-verbal body language when something is about to explode within them.

Some Law Enforcement Officers are more likely to kill because they feel they know exactly how to get away with harming you. Consider these factors:

The greater the number of checks below the greater the risk, the greater of intensity of each item the greater the likelihood of a life threatening attack.

Remember, past acts of violence are not always an accurate as predictor of what the abuser will do, the next time. And he has probably warned you enough times to watch it, or else. And you know better than anyone what the "or else" means.

1. He has threatened to kill himself, or you or the children, your relatives. This is considered to be an extremely dangerous situation.

2. If he has ever said something to you in the order of, "you will die before we divorce," or
"You are mine and I will not let anyone else have you.

3. Has he ever cleaned his weapons in your presence, pointed it at you jokingly ?
And then said Ah, it is not loaded.

4. There has been frequent physical assault against you. Especially when they have returned home from their shift? Maybe they are just drunk and angry, maybe, not, but you know when something is wrong.

5. There has been frequent and severe sexual abuse. It may be rape in your situation. He makes up, then tells you he is sorry. But in reality this has now become "the norm" in your relationship.

6. There abuser has seriously injured you. Now what, he is banking on the fact that you will not contact a superior at the job. Maybe he feels he has you right where he wants you, good and scared, in fear for your very life, or the life of your kids.

7. He threatens to takes you hostage. WARNING!
This is a dangerous situation, there is a great chance of homicide in the immediate future.

8. He makes threats against the children.

9. He has had a history of violence with others, either ex-wives or girlfriends .

10. Uses drugs or alcohol abuse, extreme intoxication.

11. He is severely depressed or acute depression with seeing little hope.

12. You have separated from your abuser, he cannot envision life with out you or the separation causes him great despair or rage. Never meet him in an isolated area. If you have children make arrangements for them to be dropped off at the police station after visitation. Never believe them when they ask you to meet with them, alone, without anyone else present.

13. Suicidal threats, attempts, or plans.

14. He has acted out part of the homicide or suicide fantasy, he may be totally invested in killing as a viable solution to his problems.

15. If he idolizes you, or depends heavily upon you to organize, and keep his life together, and has no friends, but you.

16. Access to you, if he knows where he can find you then he can kill you, if he cannot find you then he does not have access.

17. If you have made prior calls to his unit or department supervisor, you have probably angered him. The more calls you make the greater the risk. This includes the calls you should have made but did not for fear of being killed or hurt further.

18. When he does not care if he gets arrested, not scared of going to jail, or not care if he loses his job.

19. He has an explosive temper and is violent inside the home. He isolates you each time there is an explosive episode between the two of you.

20. Obsessive about appearances to those outside the home or relationship.
If you have questions please do not post them on the blog instead email them to murphymilano@

The holidays can be traumatic  The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction is now offering private consulting on violent relationship strategies and other services available especially over the holidays. These sessions are designed for those involved in divorce proceedings, child custody or office related domestic abuse and stalking situations. To schedule your appointment CLICK HERE

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" from Courage Network on Vimeo.

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit  She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, and wherever books are sold.  

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth ]

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