Boxers Anyone?

Making a good choice about you own personal safety is important in any relationship.

And frankly, it is not a priority in our lives. We are too busy looking at the outside of the package.

Does your man look so hot in a pair of briefs he melts your heart? Or is his body hot and rock solid? Did you ever stop to think what has drawn you to this type of man? Or is it not an issue given the fact that you love him? Regardless each of see's what we want to see in a mate or partner.

Often over looking issues that we tag as macho but are really angry or violent can be down right dangerous. Predicting just how dangerous your partner could become once you have decided to end the relationship is far from easy. We make calculations about risk all the time: when to cross the street, what foods to eat, when to pass or not to pass a car on the highway and so forth. Now if you are in an abusive relationship you need to make calculations about the dangers that person could pose to you and the kids. Unfortunately, a miscalculation can be deadly. Dangerousness is really a combination of two concepts: the chances your partner will be abusive and, secondly, the severity of the abuse.

Dangerous people and dangerous patterns :

Predicting the behavior of another person is very difficult, especially if the person has promised not to become abusive again. Often it is our hope that things will get better that makes the assessment of risk even more difficult. There are several factors in assessing dangerousness. These factors suggest a greater risk of continued and/or severe violence. If you can see any of these in your abuser, seriously consider and understand that the abuse will not go away, that it may very well get worst, and that you will never be able to control the situation well enough to ensure your own protection. If you see the first factor AND any of the others, then you should know the risk that you may be severely injured or killed increases greatly.

Partner has a prior history of domestic violence (that is, partner has been violent with you previously, or has been violent in other relationships this includes family members).

Partner is extremely possessive and jealous :

The person has “possessive beliefs” – that is, strong feelings of ownership about their victim – the risk of fatality doubles. An “insanely jealous” partner may be extremely dangerous – especially if he/she comes to believe that you are not “faithful” or that you are intending to leave.

Partner threatens to kill you or others in your life if you ever leave the relationship:

This is the third most powerful predictor of fatality. While not everyone who threatens to kill their partners follows through with the threat, most of those who do kill have threatened to do so. Take any and all threats seriously. This is not a game. I do not care if the person said it while they were drunk or high-it still counts as a serious threat.

Partner believes you his wife or girlfriend has betrayed him (or her).

If the person abusing you views you as having rejected him or her in preference for another partner or for independence, you are at greater risk.

Partner knows you are attempting to leave.

If you are in the process of leaving be very careful. The risk of leaving without a concrete safety plan in place increases your chances of remaining alive.

This factor represents the dangerousness inherent among some individuals who have a longstanding pattern of criminal behavior. Watch out for partners who have a history of criminal charges against people (like battery, assault). Be extremely careful when partners appear to have no conscience and no remorse for causing pain to others.

If any of these factors are present, there is an increased risk of violence:

· Social services has become involved in your family.

· Your partner believes that you have more status or power than he/she does.

· Your partner has lost a job.

· The legal system is involved in your partner’s life.

· You are pregnant or there has been a recent birth of a child.

· Your partner has access to weapon.

· You are preparing to leave.

· Your children are about to be removed.

· Your partner is actively seeking information regarding your location.

What does this all mean? It means that all violent partners do not come in some neat package with a warning label attached to their shirt collar. It means that hunk of a man with deep gazing green eyes who makes your knees weak can be a dangerous partner in a relationship and breaking from that spell of lust/love is a difficult undertaking. Given that we can often under-estimate the level of danger to ourselves, it is time you take seriously the personal safety for you and your children. Go to the library and pick up a copy of Defending Our Lives or Moving Out Moving On and begin formulating a plan. Listen each Wednesday at 3:00 PM Central Time to The Susan Murphy Milano Show where we not only discuss relationships but provide information that will be useful to you in your daily life.

Go to the library and ask if there are tapes on self defense that you can watch in a private room in the library.

Over the weekend please join me on Crime & Mystery with hosts Kim and Kjel on Friday, July 24, 2009 at 8:00PM Central Time. The link is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kimnkjel The number to call in is 718-508-9754.