Dying to Check a Box

I can't keep up on the volume of cases where the ending of a marriage or relationship is resulting in murder. The cases of intimate partner homicide are not random acts. They are well thought out and carefully executed crimes. The victims never quite believe the person with whom they are involved or legally married will take the abuse to a level of murder.

Shelby Wilkie, 38  Henderson, North Carolina

While Shelby Wilkie of Hendersonville, NC was alive, she knew enough to check a box on paperwork for a court order of protection in October of 2010, writing, " believed she was in danger of serious and immediate injury." The court order Shelby obtained, is dropped a few weeks later. Perhaps at the time the reasoning in forgiving him is because they were married just days prior to her obtaining the court order. I can hear the violins of the abuser orchestra playing "I'm so sorry baby, I'll never touch you again, I swear. " They reconnect, she gives him another chance.

This is how many victims of abuse handle the violence, if they are lucky enough to still be breathing. The victim forgives and forgets about the threats and fear to her own personal safety, until the next time it happens. Or, they are what I call the "veteran victims." The women, time and time again forgive the person with whom they took an oath to love, honor and cherish until the day they die, to be with this person through thick and thin. To not fully understand the words "till death do us part" to a habitual abuser often translates into a missing person or murder case.

My own mother was a veteran victim. My father a serial abuser who also happened to have a badge and a gun. I use my parents as a prime example of what continues to erase the lives of families. My mother, throughout my childhood, continued to forgive my father. She told us kids growing up that when we were grown and safely on our own she would leave him. A song which is often sung, off-key, by veteran victims. My mother did eventually leave and attempt to move on with her life free of the violence, but it didn't last very long. My father was furious about not being able to control her. In his mind, he would make her pay for leaving him. This landed her in a new home; the cemetery located in Arlington Heights, Illinois. 

I want to believe victims of abuse are paying attention. I do not want anyone to have to live by the seat of their pants in fear for their lives, or their children's, not knowing if they will see another new day.

Any clue what that is like? It is sheer hell! Why, if you are in an abusive relationship would you continue to put yourself in harms way? And, why are you doing it to your children!

A few weeks ago we launched the site Document The Abuse.com. If you are involved in a potentially abusive relationship, or you're really not sure how your partner will react to the news the relationship is ending, completing the information on the site is one of the steps you need before you announce, it is over.

You can either take my advice and work towards ending the relationship with your life in one piece, or, you can not listen and possibly end up like Shelby Wilkie  found murdered at the hands of her husband last week leaving a newborn behind. And guess what else? I can include you in the hundreds of murdered victims of intimate partner homicide, I write about or feature on my radio programs each and every week!

If you need personal assistance I can be contacted through www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com. 
or by email at murphymilano@gmail.com

 Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.
 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writesproviding commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.

"Stone Cold Target" in Missing Person Intimate Partner Investigation Case of Michelle Parker

"Susan-Stop using the phrase "person of interest." It is a weak-kneed statement- a C.Y.A. phrase that could mean something as innocuous as just a "fact witness" which every husband/boyfriend always is. Step out and call these _ _ _ _ _ _ what they should be-stone cold targets of the investigation." Quote from a prominent criminal defense attorney

Just when I thought I had seen it all, the "only stone cold target" in the vanishing, and now police investigation, of missing Florida mother of 3, Michelle Parker is publicly seeking donations to help with the children.

He set up a Facebook page stating that taking care of the twins has not allowed him to work. Smith is seeking $5,000 in donations and so far he has raised $240. A nice touch, in my opinion, by his current legal team, playing the "I am the perfect daddy sympathy card." Having recent photos of the children displayed on Facebook in such a public case is, however, not a smart move, and it is irresponsible. We have far too many predators who prey on innocent children from postings on social media sites. And, in case the defense team is not familiar, anyone has the ability to geo-track a photo, and show up in that child's neighborhood.

Interesting there are no photos of the children's mother, Michelle Parker, or any plea for information as to her safe return. Again, in my expert opinion, those in the know, having direct knowledge, rarely, if at all, participate in looking for anyone they never want found. Before I receive emails, I do know that under another "defensive play" the search team brought in by the legal defense team, and not Dale Smith is what I consider a conflict of interest. The current legal team also represents and donates to this amazing search organization for missing persons. As a defense strategy they have called this missing persons group in trying to show yet another reason why Smith is innocent. Yes, a person is innocent until proven guilty by a court of law.

Dale Wayne Smith, last saw his former fiance, Michelle Parker, on November 17, 2011, when she brought the 3 year-old twins over to the residence for a scheduled visitation. He was the last person to see Michelle alive. As we see in case after case the last person to see a potential victim of intimate partner missing and homicide is, in my opinion, the person responsible. The individual responsible almost always has their hands dirtied, and I am not talking about making mud pies. There are those rare occasions when those responsible and clever enough to stage an accident or cover their tracks; get away with murder.

Journalist Isabelle Zehnder reported on December 9, 2011 "the parents of Dale Wayne Smith II, the ex-fiancé of missing Orlando, Florida mom Michelle Parker, were subpoenaed to answer questions under oath at the state attorney’s office, now two searches are underway in areas near their home."

Detectives urge anyone with information to call Crimeline at 1-800-423-8477.

The family has set up a facebook page-http://www.facebook.com/michelleparkermissingperson

www.documenttheabuse.com

We see one tragedy after another in our communities and on the news about intimate partner violence. Today, in Tennessee, missing mother Karen Swift's body was positively identified. Her husband naturally has hired an attorney and is not cooperating with law enforcement. 

Society tends to think in terms of a “single incident” or, a “one time only” act of violence. Questions are raised and blame is more of a quid pro quo for victims or anyone involved in these types of dangerous situations. We must comprehend that the world in which these victims live and breathe, similar to a contagious infection, is no different than captured and tortured prisioners of war. The vanished, the missing, the murdered all were calculated and planned out by an abusive, angry and controlling individual. The term “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” or Intimate Partner Violence is a continuing pattern of behavior which can include :

• repeated harassment,
• stalking or surveillance of the victim,' threats and intimidation,
• bodily harm,
• sexual assault,
• child abduction
• or the constant threat , that can escalate, in some cases to murder .

In most abuse cases, the danger continues despite the victim’s attempts to get help from traditional sources. For example, after a female victim seeks assistance from the courts or separates from her abuser, she statistically runs a greater risk of increased harm. The abuser is furious and steps up his behavior and violent attacks. Often the victim is left to fend for herself when it comes to protecting her life. 

If you are in a potentially dangerous situation, I have a question: How many more times are you going to allow the abuse? When someone you are with hurts you, that is not love!You have options. Oh, I know all the excuses from he was drinking, to we are having financial problems, or how about when you are made to believe it was your fault. It is not. Time's Up! If you doing nothing but prepare the abuse video and affidavit prescribed in the information provided below, you have taken a big step towards having you words stick if something happened to you. Telling a close friend or family member about the terror and abuse is not enough to make an arrest or prosecute in a court of law.

Providing information on what you need to do if you or someone you know is in a potentially violent relationship is done with the hope of saving lives. My work in the area of intimate partner violence prevention is a direct result of not being able to save my own mother back in 1989, killed by her police detective husband prior to committing suicide. 

If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life! One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when she announces her plans or leaves an abusiverelationship. The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship"is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. 

Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available on Amazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship, create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below). If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or arefoundmurdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel, Summer Inman,Kelly Rothwell and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up"from Courage Networkon Vimeo.

• Other Stories on the Parker case:
• Michelle Parker’s 3-year-old twins still don’t know she’s missing
• Michelle Parker’s iPhone found, mom fears missing daughter is dead
• Dale Smith shoves cameraman, DCF promises review to see if twins are at risk
• Missing FL mom's ex charged with domestic battery, wife dies of brain injury
• Susan Murphy-Milano outraged at judge’s decision to return twins to ex-fianc

If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

This book doesn't merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues...she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don't need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME'S UP can save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

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Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.


A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writesproviding commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime