Forget The Magic and Move On, but #LeaveSafely

Ken and Angie met at work. Because they lived in a small town in Iowa, running into one another at the grocery store, church, or neighborhood bar was common. Out of the blue, it just happened that they began dating.

Within a year Angie and Ken married. Within weeks after their marriage Ken felt the need to question his bride's every move when she was "out of range." If she took longer than usually to return home after work ended or took too long at the grocery store he would be in her face and demand to know where she was or who Angie was with, "why wasn't she home sooner" he demanded.

After a few months Ken did not like his bride's responses and began beating Angie. One night she had to be taken to the hospital because he broke her nose.


She went to her mothers house for a few days to think things over. Angie asked her mother to remove all the mirrors in the house during her stay, she didn't want to pass a mirror and see what Ken had done to her face.

Ken sent flowers and notes of love to her daily. Angie loved Ken very much and was willing to forgive him. She returned to give Ken another chance.

Believing, as most women do, that all the violence ends just because the person apologizes, like waving a magic wand  over a hat. Sounding like a line from some cheesy movie script Ken claims he's sorry, vowing never to never hit her again.

Two weeks later Ken began beating Angie once again. This time Ken broke her arm.  The following morning Angie went to court and obtained a court order of protection. Shortly after, she moved out and in with a girlfriend on the other side of town. A fews months passed and she hired an attorney and filed for divorce.

From the time Angie moved out of the apartment Ken found ways to send notes and letters to her. Her court order prohibited Ken from communication which also included letters and phone calls. That didn't stop him, he found ways to have notes left on her car windshield in the downstairs mailbox where she lived. In his letters he told her that if she knew what was good for her, she would come back to him, and how God joined them together in holy marriage and they would be together until death.

Dear Angie,

I really do love you with all my heart and soul. I know it seems as if all I do is upset you, that is not my intention. I am really hurting, as I am back and back to stay. I am also trying to make all the changes you want of me, and love, I will make them! I just need to know you want me. I wish they could happen overnight but I know that will take time. Honey, I am really trying my best, and giving my all to you, us and our marriage. That is what means the WORLD TO Me!!! I am just really frustrated that you have not yet tried to put forth an effort to me, us and OUR MARRIAGE. O don't know, I can't read your mind! Choosing your independence, acting single, friends, relatives etc, etc,over me us, OUR Marriage, BABE that hurts, that hurts a lot! I want to give me all and do my best. Now and forever to you,to US, and OUR MARRIAGE. Don't you understand, don't you care? Honey I am trying harder than I ever tried anything before in my life.

Over the period of 11 months Ken sent Angie one or two letters every day. All of his letters were each signed "Love always forever and ever, your husband," and he usually added a P.S. like this:

I know i Fuc---up our marriage, but NOTHING that LOVE, understanding and all effort cannot correct! We both made mistakes together, so please, lets start correcting those mistakes together, and together make the marriage GREAT. Now and forever if you really love me, and your love is true. YOU will find it in your heart to forgive me and start over one last time (no more will ever be needed) TOGETHER WITH ME NOW.

Ken's letters to Angie show desperation to gain control of her. That's all most abusers want to do is regain their power over those they "profess to love." He claimed he was willing to do anything for just one more chance.

Be forewarned!

No one alters their violent outbursts and behaviors by simply waving a magic wand. They will not change, ever. It does not matter what they do for a living be it a car mechanic, doctor, police officer, lawyer, truck driver, accountant, teacher or professional.

Warning Signs to watch out for:

• Extreme jealously and possessiveness; (this applies to dating and marriage and after a break-up)
• They have a need to control others in their environment; (that includes you)
• Name-calling and use of derogatory remarks or constant put-downs;
• Screams and yells then explains why they are speaking to you this way;
• (they may even apologize a day or two later and ask you to understand why they said or had that so called first time reaction-they may make the excuse of being "so" in love with you and ask for another chance-rarely will they apologize)
• Poor communication skill and coping skills (this seems to apply only to you during the relationship. If they had such poor skills how could they be in professions where coping and skills matter and are related to their jobs? )
• Tendency to blame others for their faults/mistakes; ("you know baby I didn't meant it. I had so much going on and am under a lot of pressure, I just blew.") If they do it once it is a pattern in their conduct they have always repeated. This is likely the first time you are aware or have seen it.
• A self-righteous attitude;
• Addiction to not only drugs or booze, but power;

You can't rescue or fix these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

For more information visit Document The Abuse. com

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" fromCourage Network on Vimeo.

Amy Leichtenberg:The Silent War: Mothers Without Custody

The last time Amy Leichtenberg saw her two boys alive, that motherly instinct took over and she knew something was not right. The father of the boys was acting strange when they met at the police station for the exchange of Jack and Duncan. Amy refused to hand over her boys on March 7, 2009, an officer threatened her if she didn't give them to their father, she would be arrested for not complying with a judge's according to her lawyer.

This week is the anniversary of the boys murders.

I am deeply disturbed by the escalating number of parents murdering their own families. as police discovered 9-year-old Duncan (left) and 7-year-old Jack(right) were found murdered in rural Putnam County, IL. Their father was found dead not far from where his car was left. According to police sources, the boys' father had a rope around his neck when he was found.

Amy Leichtenberg filed orders of protection against Michael Connolly more than once after his repeated physical and emotional abuse in the later years of their marriage. Amy filed for divorce that year and moved out of their home. In a 2006, a petition for a protective order against her husband was filed, saying that his "controlling and obsessive behavior" included threats to kill himself and others along with a series of bizarre demands he made of her. Within a 15-month period, Connolly violated the orders of protection 57 times.

In 2007, Amy was awarded full custody of the boys with Connolly given supervised visitation. According to court reports from the family visitation center, Connolly's behavior was dangerous enough to temporarily cease all visits with the boys. In my experience, when a family visitation center terminates interaction between parent and child, it sends a red flag of danger. Connolly, the ever witty and clever abuser, was able to resume visits when his psychiatrist sent a "sympathy letter" to the judge "if my client is able to spend more time with his sons, Mr. Connolly's depression and outbursts would lessen."

The judge, who is still on the bench, responded by setting a series of "behavioral guidelines." This included obtaining employment, housing and continued therapy.

"(He) tells me if I ever take the boys away he will hunt me and my parents down and cut us open," Amy Leichtenberg, then known as Amy Connolly, stated in the 2006 petition seeking an order of protection. Amy said during their marriage Connolly had tried to isolate her from her family. A common characteristic among abusers.

Despite the 57 violations of the protection orders, dangerous behavior and deadly threats, McLean County Judge James Souk"rewarded" Connolly unsupervised visitation with his sons.

Connolly filed numerous motions with the court, basically wearing the judge down. Despite pleas from Amy and her lawyer, which were ignored. This mother’s plea for supervised visitation was dismissed without regard to serious safety concerns.

There is an automatic presumption that it is in the best interest of a child “regardless of court orders”, prior violence or threats, to maintain visitation with both parents. Victims of domestic violence face a double edged sword. Either expose their children to imminent danger, or defy the court system refusing to allow visitation. Like so many others before her, Amy tried to deal with a violent relationship in a family court environment.

In family court the two parties are presumed to be on a level playing field--law abiding individuals who have a disagreement over a private family matter. A core assumption of family law is that family disputes are not criminal disputes. As such, there are few safeguards built into the family court system to protect against the criminal dynamics that dominate family disputes in cases of family violence. In addition, the accusations the victim makes in family court, no matter how serious, carry no more authority than one person's say so. One of the most serious consequences is that when a family violence victim opens a case in family court against her abuser, the abuser is given equal opportunity to fight back against the victim's accusations, often because the abusers past is not an issue. Unless, of course, he is brought in from county or state prison sporting an orange jump suit and leg shackles.

There are lawyers and men’s groups who argue using domestic violence with a broad brush is not a reason to deny fathers visitation with their children. Accusing mothers of lying or making up stories to keep fathers’ from their children.

Under the current laws, a parent without custody is entitled "reasonable visitation." There is a high burden of proof as evidenced in this case when a court refuses to take into account dangerous abusers pose to their children.

Until we place the issue of labeling these cases as a "private matter" or an isolated incident, expect the death toll among children to rise. Expect the courts to continue to ignore clear and present danger signs when a victim of violence seeks a divorce.

Remarkably, Amy Leichtenberg, under the circumstances is doing fairly well for a mother whom lost her entire world.

When she and I talk she says " I will not let that monster who destroyed my life, win. That's what he wanted you know, (she says with great conviction) , he thought without my kids I would wither and die. Well I hope he is rotting in hell someplace for what he did and I am going to make each day on earth count, for my kids. For other parents so they won’'t have to endure what I have. I am going to get laws past so that a person who is not mentally stable like their father was, has no access to children. The same way a predator is dealt within the justice system and denied contact with children." And, today, two years later, Amy Leichtenberg is changing the dysfunctional legal system that, in my opinion, allowed her children to lose their lives.

Amy Leichtenberg will never again hear the laughter of her boys Jack and Duncan. Amy will never wait in the kitchen as the boys run in after school only to run out again to play before it gets dark. Amy will never prepare another favorite meal of macaroni and cheese. Those day's are gone. The lights that once burned brightly from within her life, are now but a memory.

On Amy Leichtenberg's Facebook page she writes:

"I wish I could turn back the hands of time...I am so sorry Duncan and Jack...I love you both to the heavens and back"

It would be nice if people reading this could take a moment and send an inspiring email or words of comfort to this remarkable mother, who needs for all of us to keep her in our daily prayers. Emails to Amy can be sent to our address here: timesupforjustice@gmail.com and we will forward them on to her.

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs.http://pamelachapmanl.biz

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and SurviveAbusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her Chicago detective father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

Family Courts "Splattered in Blood"

Sunday morning, three children ages 7,12 and 14 took their last breaths,as their father, during a court ordered visitation, Muhammed Goher, 47 of Houston, Texas opened fire. The school bags, neatly at the foot of the beds where the children were shot, splattered in their blood. Beanie Babies along the wall of the 7-year olds bed, soaked in her blood.

On Friday, Norma Goher, the children's mother dropped off the kids to their father, the couple was divorced, and he was to return them back to her on Sunday. The family court knew Muhammed was not stable and yet the judge went ahead and signed the order for visitation anyway. A hearing on visitation issues and removal of overnight visits with the father was scheduled for September 27th. In my opinion, one more time of court mandated "daddy time", cost the kids their lives.

There is an automatic presumption that it is in the best interest of a child “regardless of court orders”, prior violence or threats, to maintain visitation with both parents. Victims of domestic violence face a double edged sword. Either expose their children to imminent danger, or defy the court system refusing to allow visitation. Like so many others before her, Norma atttempted to deal with a violent relationship in a dysfunctional family court environment.

In family court the two parties are presumed to be on a level playing field--law abiding individuals who have a disagreement over a private family matter. A core assumption of family law is that family disputes are not criminal disputes. As such, there are few safeguards built into the family court system to protect against the criminal dynamics that dominate family disputes in cases of family violence. In addition, the accusations the victim makes in family court, no matter how serious, carry no more authority than one person's say so. One of the most serious consequences is that when a family violence victim opens a case in family court against her abuser, the abuser is given equal opportunity to fight back against the victim's accusations, often because the abusers past is not an issue. Unless, of course, he is brought in from county or state prison sporting an orange jump suit and leg shackles.

There are lawyers and men’s groups who argue using domestic violence with a broad brush is not a reason to deny fathers visitation with their children. Accusing mothers of lying or making up stories to keep fathers’ from their children.

Under the current laws, a parent without custody is entitled "reasonable visitation." There is a high burden of proof as evidenced in this case when a court refuses to take into account dangerous abusers pose to their children.

Until we place the issue of labeling these cases as a "private matter" or an isolated incident, expect the death toll among children to rise. Expect the courts to continue to ignore obvious danger signs when a victim of violence is or has ended the relationship.

After killing his children, he shot himself in the head, but remains alive and is expected to survive the attempted suicide.

(Susan Murphy Milano, is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Education for more information visit http://www.saferelationships.com/ and is the author of the new book "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and where ever books are sold.)

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" from Courage Network on Vimeo.

Special Investigation: The Silent Crimes On College Campuses: The Susan Murphy Milano Show: Monday June 28, 2010 at 9:00 PM EST and 8:00 PM CST

The "CLERY Act," requires institutions of higher education receiving federal financial aid to report specified crime statistics on college campuses and to provide other safety and crime information to members of the campus community.

But what happens when a University tries to hide and cover-up serious violent crimes on campus?

Join us as we investigate and discuss the silence on the college campus at Husson University in Bangor, Maine. And the tragic murder of Yeardley Love at the University of Virginia.

Our amazing line-up for tonight’s show includes Anny Jacoby, Owner/President of The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company.

Dr. James F Anderson a Professor in the Department of Criminal Justice at East Carolina University. Dr. James F. Anderson is a noted author of several books. he received a Ph.D. in Criminal Justice from San Houston State University and a M.S. in Criminology from Alabama State University.

Peter Hyatt Investigator, State of Maine Statement Analysis Laboratory for Scientific Interrogation and Consultant on Crime Wire a show about unsolved and suspicious deaths.

Time: 9:00 PM EST 8:00 PM CST 7:00 PM PST

Call-in Number: (347) 326-9337

Show Link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphymilano

Coward With A Badge is Finally Captured

[former police office Derrick Yancey]

Special agents from the U.S. Department of State's Diplomatic Security Service (DSS) located Derrick Yancey in Punta Gorda, Belize. Yancey is wanted in Georgia for double murder of his wife Linda Yancey and a day laborer. Yancey on the run since April was arrested by Belize law enforcement and is awaiting return to the United States.

Yancey was a deputy with the DeKalb County, Georgia Sheriff's Department. In August of 2008, DeKalb County Sheriff's Office charged Yancey with two counts of murder. He was released on $150,000 bond awaiting trial under the condition that he be confined to house arrest. On April 4, 2009, Yancey violated the conditions of his bond and escaped house arrest. In June of 2009 America's Most Wanted featured the fomer officer on their show. Since then, he has been on the run, even eliciting the attention of television's "Americas Most Wanted."

On September 17, 2009, DSS agents in the Regional Security Office in Belmopan, Belize received an investigative lead from the U.S. Marshals Service and the Dekalb County Sheriff's Office on the possible whereabouts of Yancey. Within sixty hours of that tip, DSS agents in Belize were able to confirm Yancey's presence in Punta Gorda and locate his residence.On September 19, 2009, after extensive coordination between officers of the Belize Police Department and personnel in Diplomatic Security's Regional Security Office in Belmopan, both U.S. and Belizean law enforcement awaited Yancey's return to his neighborhood.

Upon arrival at a local bar, at 6:05 PM local time, a DSS agent tapped on Yancey's shoulder and told him "It is time to go." Belize authorities then arrested Yancey.

According to DSS agents, Yancey stated that he was surprised and shocked upon capture. Yancey also revealed he was relieved that he was finally caught and prepared to go home. DSS agents in Washington, DC and Belize will coordinate with The U.S. Marshals Service to arrange for Yancey's return in the near future.

"Diplomatic Security's regional security office in Belmopan maintains an excellent working relationship with local law enforcement personnel, thus enabling Yancey's capture," said, Edgar Moreno, The Bureau of Diplomatic Security's Assistant Director for Domestic Operations. "It's this type of close, worldwide law enforcement liaison capability that gives Diplomatic Security unparalleled ability to locate, pursue, and apprehend fugitives."

Counting Yancey's detention, Diplomatic Security has coordinated the capture of five of America's Most Wanted fugitives in 2009 alone, including previous captures made this year by authorities in Brazil, Nicaragua, Israel, and the Philippines.

Thinking Divorce or Ending Your Relationshp? Do You Know Your Options?

When a ending a relationship the first thought that enters one's mind is hiring a laywer and that can be very costly. Other options can be less expensive, yet effective as in a mediator to legally end your marriage.

What is a mediator? It is a neutral person. They do not take sides and they are not there to be your marriage therapist. Their goal is to assist you by removing the drama and tension often associated with a long drawn out court battle. In fact, they are not even allowed to give you legal advice. The mediator begins, by meeting each party separately. You fill out questions and provide financial information. In addition, you list concerns over custody and parenting issues.
After the initial meeting, you will then meet with the mediator together and work out issues so that you can come up with an agreement that serves you both. That agreement is then submitted to the courts for final review usually by a judge. (States vary on this, so please check your local statues.)

The goal of mediation is to not place any blame in the marriage, but rather promote and plan for a healthy future for you, your spouse, and your children. You create the divorce agreement between the two of you with the assistance of the mediator not the courts.

Before you say, “I am not interested in doing that, I want to hire a lawyer,” you should seek consultation with a lawyer to understand your options. A lawyer can review the documents drawn up by a mediator and make changes and suggestions before it is submitted to the courts.
Have you ever sat in on a divorce trial? The answer most likely is no. Before you make that all important-life changing decision, why don’t you go your local courthouse to family court or domestic relations (whatever it may be called in your area) and sit through a morning or afternoon of court calls and/or hearings of others going through a divorce. It is not a pretty site, especially if there is a lot of tension between the divorcing parties, the lawyers, and the judge. As you view the court process, try and picture yourself sitting there with your lawyer and your spouse sitting with their lawyer. Observe the fact that these two intelligent people have hired complete strangers to argue what can become “unimportant stuff” and a court reporter is taking down every word said for the court that will then become public record. Do you really want to participate in ending your marriage that way? Some of those people in court have been there a years or more and still are not divorced. Why? Because they could not resolve their own issues during their marriage. They are stubborn, angry, or want revenge. In the end, it is the judge-another-stranger-who will decide the final outcome of who gets what and when you and your former spouse may see the children. You ultimately DO Not get to decide.

Many lawyers now offer Divorce Mediation as part of their services. They, however, are not allowed to give legal advice. They are bound by the same rules as a mediator, and must remain neutral in the process.

No matter what, it is best to consult with a lawyer before an agreement is finalized to have that person review and make any changes before an agreement is finalized.

Understanding the Benefits of Mediation in Divorce:
A mediator does not represent either party. Rather, a mediator creates a cooperative environment when both you and your spouse can work together to reach an agreement on the terms of your divorce. Both you and your spouse have the right to also consult individually with an attorney during this process. Once the agreement is reached, the mediator will write up the agreement into a document where both you and your spouse will then be able to file the documentwith additional court papers to obtain a divorce.

This process only works if both you and your spouse are willing to make a full financial disclosure, and if you both are willing to make a good faith effort to reach an agreement.

The benefits of mediation are:
 Lower cost because this process is less time consuming. The amount of time involved to reach an agreement varies based on the level of conflict, the number of issues and the complexity of both your finances. A typical mediation where both you and your spouse agree typically takes approximately 10 hours.
 Less painful for you children because you avoid the long court process and litigation involved with ending your marriage.
 Mediated settlements can be prepared by a lawyer or a certified divorce mediator.
 The benefit to a mediator is when you and your spouse have reached an agreement on all issues, and you simply are looking for the most inexpensive and yet professional completing the necessary paperwork to finalize your divorce.
Hiring a Qualified Mediator:
• Call your local County Clerks Office and ask for a list of mediators in your area.
• Check the yellow pages under “Divorce Mediation”
• Make sure whomever you choose has been mediating for at least 3 years.
• Ask for a list of references.
• Ask for a fee agreement in writing once you have selected someone.
• Consult with a lawyer before an agreement is finalized to have them review and make any changes to the document.

Ending a Relationship is not an easy road to travel. It is survivable if you are wiling to do the work necessary to move on with your life. You will make it.
The book "Moving Out Moving On, when a relationship goes wrong is available at Amazon.com or visit my website at http://www.susanmurphymilano.com/ and download the E-Book. And as always listen to The Susan Murphy Milano Show each Wednesday afternoon at 3:00PM central time. or tuen up the volume on your computer and the show will automtically pla.

DISCLAIMER: The article is strictly for educational or entertainment purposes only and should not be used in any way, implemented or applied without consultation from a legal professional.

"Motive Equals Murder"

It is not difficult to see how many girlfriends, wives and mothers who have vanished or are murdered with the only possible suspect; the person with whom they were romantically attached. It does not take Dick Tracy or a rocket scientist to figure out where the trail of blood goes, cold or not, it is almost always points to person in their life. Or if it does not, it should.

Women living vibrant productive lives suddenly labeled in a crime file cabinet or drawer opened when a lead is followed up or a family member is calling into police headquarters for updates and possible answers.

There are few experts in the field of domestic violence perpetrated crimes. The reclutance to look at a husband or boyfriend as a suspect can depend on the size of the town, available manpower, the prosecutors office and investigative skills among other issues. There are so many unsolved murders I listed a few where the cartoon character of Dick Tracy lives as solving these cases are not a language the police headquarters in these towns appear to speak.

November 29, 1991 was the last time that Mary Jane Zich was seen alive. She and her daughter, Desiree, had just returned to their Toledo, Ohio home after visiting her parents for Thanksgiving. While on her visit, Mary Jane discussed the violence in her marriage to Tom Zich and told her parents that she was planning on divorcing him. According to reports to police given by Tom at the time, she received a phone call, left the house and didn't return, leaving 3 year- old Desiree behind.

Sandra Travis was living in a violent marriage when she disappeared July 31, 2005 from Mayfield, Kentucky, a rural area near the borders of Illinois and Tennessee. Sandra took a lot of punches over the years from her husband, Bobby Travis, probably another man who treated his wife as a piece of property, there to do his bidding, no caring for the way she felt. Someone needs to look under the trailer where she disappeared from that evening. Maybe the Illinois State police can over ride the prosecutor who does not have much experience in obtaining a search warrant.

Renee Pagel was killed on August 5, 2006. She was a grade school teacher and a registered nurse. According to friends, Renee feared for her safety from her estranged husband. As many women say when they are married to an abusive spouse "if something happens to me, make sure people know it was not an accident." And yet in Mayberry police have yet to arrest Michael Pagel. This is shear ignorance on the part of the investigators.

On August 19, 2007, it's reported that Liza Murphy just up and walked out of her home after an argument with her husband, Joe Murphy, leaving behind her cell phone, cigarettes, all forms of identification, and most importantly, her three children, now 15, 13, and 10.
Liza Murphy and her husband were having marital problems, her family said. Stellatos described Joe Murphy as possessive of his wife, never allowing her to go out with her friends. She said he was even jealous if she spent time with her parents.

In October of 2008, Kellisue's Ackernecht’s case isn't very different from several other missing mother's cases, filled with frustration and brick walls. Other similarities include investigating the husband, but in this case local Johnstown law enforcement has stated that Jayson Ackernecht is not a person of interest nor a suspect in Kellisue's disappearance. In fact, Jayson has told reporters the same thing Drew Peterson claims, that she ran off with another man, and like Drew Peterson, it seems Jayson is taking steps to move on with his life. Again, after reviewing documents and speaking to family members this is a cookie cutter case that needs to be solved.


Sometime's it can take years, but a family even without locating the remains of their loved one finds partial closure when an arrest is finally made in a case. Yesterday, for the family of Tracey Tetso they were given a great gift when the missing woman's husband Dennis Testo was indicted and arrested for her murder. On March 6, 2005, married 5 short months,Tracey disappeared from her Rosedale home in Baltimore.

Once case out of thousand's where a family is themselves alive to participate in justice. Let us hope everyone else who is waiting for that unexpected phone call on that an arrest will be made or the reamins of their loved ones's happens within their lifetime.

Afterall, while these women's lives did not mean anything to the person they were with, they did have great importance to many others whose faces you do not see or voices you do not hear because they are too busy searching and doing what they can to bring their daughter's home.

Don't Live in Fear: Have a Game Plan

My guess if you are a victim of relationship abuse, you have had learn how to survive. . If you talk back, disagree with the person you already understand the heavy price paid when "you do not follow orders or do what you are told".

Through the relationship you more than likey have denied or minimized the abuse. You feel helpless, your in too deep with this person, and you may feel there is no way out.

But you are wrong. You can get help and get out safely with a plan. Before you begin it is very important that you be the very best actress you can. Do not let this person who is abusing you or anyone you do not trust with your life in on your plans to leave.

During each step, you must be ten steps ahead of the person abusing you. It is dangerous when you in a violent relationship and are preparing to leave to discuss any plans of ending the relationship with that individual. You must not provoke any conflict or agument that may be going on once you have begun the process of leaving. If you do, you take the chance of being harmed with bodily injury.

You never confront the person abusing you by saying somelike like "I'm Leaving" or I've had enough" or we are through, I am taking the kids and never comming back."

Bad move. That is what will get you killed.

Your actions or reactions will play a key role in your safety. You have indured so much. You may be tired, feeling as though you just don't have the strength or the resoucres to leave, but you do.

If you have lived day in and day out with a controlling manipulative individual, leaving will be difficult for you at the begining. You have been brainwashed to feel as though you are worthless, no good to anyone.

Reverse that thought, you are with that person so you can't be "worthless", now can you?

Abuse, rape, violence destroys your confidence to grow as a human being, to try new things, to develop talents. It is a toxin that has effected every aspect of your life. And now it is time for you to remove the toxin within your being.

Creating a Safety Plan: LEAVING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS Its important to allow yourself enough time when preparing to leave an abusive relationship, especially if youre married and have children, but it can be done. Its also a good idea once you begin, not to make calls from your home, go to a pay phone, friends, relatives, or call and make arrangements from your place of employment. Remember NOT to use your home computer.

Begin by drafting a plan of action for yourself. Keep it at work or a trusted, secure location.

Start to gather copies of important papers like: Birth certificates (of you and the children) Make sure you have certified copies. Social Security cards Marriage certificate Insurance policies Make a record of all bank account numbers (including any in your childrens names). Is there a 401K plan at work, IRA, or an account at a credit union, if so, make copies. Make copies of your income tax returns for the past three years. Make copies of all titles or property information including major appliance manuals and guarentees Try and get a couple of your spouses pay stubs, make copies. Are there any stocks, savings bonds, etc., make copies. Contact your doctor and dentist and get copies of all medical records which you can either pick-up in person, or have them mailed to a trusted relative or friend for safe keeping. Childrens school records. Passports for you and the children. Prescriptions for any medications you and the children take (if possible, stock up). Spare keys to the house, garage, car, safety deposit box, etc. If you wear prescription glasses or a hearing aid device, get an extra set made and keep them with your important documents. Title to the car. Contact the credit bureau and request a copy of your credit report, and remember to send a letter.

If you need an example to send please pick up a copy of the book Moving Out Moving On, when a relationship goes wrong. Always place passwords on utilities, bills, so that only you, have access into these accounts so they can't be disconnected or changed.

Try and save money and open a bank account in your name. Just before your ready to leave, go to your bank, and withdraw what you can (this should be done on the day youre preparing to leave, because as money is withdrawn, it will be reflected on the account balance either on that day or the following day. Don't take chances, especially if an emergency arises and your partner must suddenly use their ATM card or withdraw monies and discover the account balance has changed.

Use whatever cash advance you have available to open up an individual interest bearing account.

If possible, take your home computer with you on the day you leave. If you are unable to take the computer, remove all data, addresses, take the disks. If you are unsure how to do this please ask someone who you know and trust to assist you. If you run a computer home-based business, change all your passwords, change your screen name, and change your internet service provider and do not insert personal information into any online directories.

Secure a private post office box. Either have someone you trust do this in their name on your behalf (someone that your partner wouldnt suspect or know) or, go to a private company like Mailboxes, etc., rather than a post office. And whenever possible use suite or apartment numbers instead of using the words post office box.

Make changes for your bills, bank accounts, etc., by using the forms provided, try not to fill out a change of address with your postal service. Get an unpublished/unlisted telephone number. When preparing to move, ask someone you trust to rent a place in their name on your behalf.

When hiring a moving company, use a small company. Or if you need to use a large company, have them move your items to a storage unit that has been secured in another persons name, then contact a small local moving company to move them for you. Line through items as you complete them. If you have received an order of protection from the courts and you are preparing to move, contact your local police department, explain that you have a court order and you are requesting they send an officer to your home while you are moving.

Internet Safety Link: http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/trace-warning.htm

HOW DOES A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ORDER OFFER PROTECTION?

An order of protection is a court order that provides protection for victims of domestic abuse. A person can obtain an order of protection on an emergency basis when there is a likelihood of harm or injury by the abuser. Typically, an emergency order of protection is obtained after a recent incident has occurred and a police report has been made. The incident allows a victim to petition the courts with the assistance of a states attorney or county prosecutor, who works on your behalf without charge, for an emergency order of protection or temporary restraining order (it varies in each state). Then, the judge hears your case, without the presence of the abuser. The judge makes a decision regarding the facts of your case, at which time the judge may grant a temporary emergency order of protection for a maximum of 21 days. Then, the abuser is served by a sheriff or police officer a copy of the order prohibiting contact with the victim for a 21-day period and a court date is set for the abuser to appear before the judge. Both parties return on the scheduled date. You are represented by the state and the abuser either by a private attorney or a public defender. Then the judge, based on the information, decides to set a hearing date. Your order of protection will usually be continued until the outcome of the case. Once you have the order: Continue to report all incidents that occur to the police and document them. If there is further abuse, contact the county prosecutors office or states attorney and update them. If you received medical treatment for any injuries sustained, make sure you get a copy of your medical treatment report and take pictures. Do not initiate any further contact with the person. Always keep a copy of your order with you at all times, make extra copies for your car, employer, etc. For support, shelter, or additional information on what is available to you I suggest you contact: Your local States Attorney or Prosecutors office The Attorney Generals office Your local battered womens shelter and/or counseling center The local Bar Association.

Telephone numbers for the above are listed in your local phone book. And you can go to your local library for information on the laws and resources available in your state. WHO IS PROTECTED UNDER THE ORDER OF PROTECTION? Spouse Former spouse Parent Children Stepchild Dating or engagement relationship Person related by blood or marriage Sharing or formally sharing a common dwelling Persons who have a child in common Sharing a blood relationship through a child WHAT IS A CIVIL ORDER OF PROTECTION? The procedure for a civil order of protection varies from state to state. Any local or state womens organizations, lawyer, or states attorney will be happy to explain the procedures in your area. When you petition for a civil order of protection, usually no criminal charges have been filed against the alleged abuser. Many seek this type of order when they file for divorce. It is still important to obtain pictures for evidence and witnesses for your case. The order is effective for the same length of time as a criminal order of protection and it is issued by a judge. Please go to this link that will direct you with every resource you need to begin: https://feminist.org/911/crisis.html .

During the holidays, use extra caution. Be sure to create a support network of either people you work with, your church, relatives and others whom you trust.

The Dangers Of Court Orders Of Protection

Carefully, consider the dangers when having the abuser in your life served with a court order of protection. It may not be your safest option. A court order of protection can trigger greater violence for you and other family members. If you are in an busive relationship you cannot "just" rely on the legal system as a strategy in preventing life altering violence.

Explaination: A court order of protection issued by a judge and then served by your local police will not stop a bullet. You know this person better than anyone. Thinking about the dangers is crucial to your safety.

Will they become more violent?

Does this person have access to weapons?

Have you been told you will be killed? Or they will "never" let you go?

Are you able to defend yourself, against an attack?

I am not a supporter of a court order of protection when the lives of the victims and or family members are in danger.

You must have a solid safety plan. If you have children seeking the advice of an attorney is in your best interest. With or without financial resources you can get away without being harmed.

Resource link: https://feminist.org/911/crisis.html

I strongly recommend taking self defense classes links: http://www.impactpersonalsafety.com/

http://www.ywca.org

The abusive person has a "war plan" and so must you! Go to the library, pick up a copy of "Defending Our Lives", getting away from domestic violence & staying safe. Or you can order a copy on amazon.com. The book will at least provide you with an understanding of your legal rights and options. Or consider emailing me at contact@movingoutmovingon.com and I will provide direction in your situation.

(AP NEWS WIRE) TORRANCE, Calif. --
Police say a man fatally shot his 5-year-old son and mother-in-law before turning the gun on himself near Los Angeles.
The Monday night shootings came about eight hours after Torrance police had served the man with a restraining order taken out by his wife.
Officer Dave Crespin says the man returned to the home after being served, then shot his son, wife, mother-in-law and himself. His son died at the scene and the older woman died at a hospital. The wife was hospitalized with injuries.
Police have not released the names of the gunman or the victims.