Dangerous Love

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talkhttp://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Shattered Silence in Law Enforcement Families

Barbara Sheehan, is currently in a New York Court, in the trial for her life. Back in November of 2008 I wrote about the case, and again in February of 2008, after her appearance on the Oprah show. In so many ways, her life reminds me of my own mother, silenced after years of abuse by my police detective father.

Ammunition and knives found in the nightstand of retired NYPD crime scene sergeant Raymond Sheehan. He told his wife his forensics expertise would let him get away with anything.

In February of 2008, Barbara Sheehan(pictured above) wife of New York retired Sgt. Raymond Sheehan was charged with second degree murder.

If it sounds simple it is not. If you think Barbara Sheehan could have easily planned an escape away from the violence, I can attest to the fact, her only exist strategy would have been in a body bag, hers.

This morning the 47 -year old Barbara was interviewed on Good Morning America with her daughter sitting beside her. As I heard the woman speak, it was no different from my own mother's words. And, Barbara Sheehan is the same age as my own mother, Roberta Murphy, who was also married to a homicide detective out of Chicago.

My mother was not so lucky. She was carried out in a body bag.

Growing up in an abusive police officer home does not stop when the officer goes on medical or retires. Often the abuse and violence can increase. My mother use to say "once he's off the job, things will be better." Instead, while he was on medical leave, my mothers life was pure hell.

My father stalked my mother. He constantly kept track of her every move. When she did not do as she was told, he found a way to make her "behave". This included my father informing my mother exactly how she would be killed.

So am I saying it is alright to take a life? No, I am not. But, in the blue world, it is not as easy as you may think to have an exist strategy or a safety plan. And in my experience with other officers wives in violent relationships, it comes down to a him or me survival. And to survive Barbara Sheehan lived in psychological terror and a constant battle zone behind the blue doors. No she made a police report or ever had him arrested, it would only fuel him further. And Barbara, knew it.

A police officers wife has a difficult time seeking orders of protection. Often, they cannot access the same avenue for assistance. And women in or married to those in law enforcement who are abused understand because they have been told by the abuser "they will kill them" and get away with it. Or "no one is going to believe them."

I could see and hear from Barbara Sheehans words and body language that facing prison is not going to be as bad as the hell of an existance she was forced to endure for so many years. She has hired attorney Michael Dowd who will be representing her in her trial scheduled for sometime in the spring.

Yes, he was shot 11 times while in the bathroom. It is likely that was the only time Raymond Sheehan did not have immediate access to the heavy artilary he owned. The bathroom was the only place you would not find bullets, handguns or knives.

I am on the stump on this tragedy. My father use to say what appears obvious to the world in the aftermath of a crime scene, may not always be how it really happened. Hands are a funny thing, when tested on a crime scene you have your answers one way or another.

Trial Stories and Coverage:

http://crimeaddicts.yuku.com/forums/239

http://www.wpix.com/news/local/wpix-daughter-tells-of-fathers-reign-of-terror,0,5879212.story

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/26/nyregion/an-abused-wife-or-an-executioner.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/22/nyregion/son-testifies-in-barbara-sheehans-murder-trial.html

http://www.irishcentral.com/news/Barbara-Sheehan-trial-begins-accused-of-killing-her-husband-an-Irish-American-cop--VIDEO-129564298.html

I cannot stress enough, if you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when sheannounces her plans or leaves an abusive relationship.

The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship" is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available onAmazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or arefoundmurdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel, Summer Inman, Kelly Rothwell and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up"from Courage Network on Vimeo.

If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

This book doesn't merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues...she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don't need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME'S UPcan save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

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Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for training and interviews, please contact:ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email- contact@imaginepublicity.com

Beatrice Ann Dickey: Taking Silence Implementing Action

I read a lot of amazing words from friends and colleagues for Beatrice Ann Dickey age 44, silenced earlier yesterday. Her life hijacked by a man to whom she was married. His weapon of destruction a metal baseball bat.

Ironically Beatrice worked in the Polk County Florida's Sheriff's office. Her boss Sheriff Grady Judd fondly referred to her as "his right hand."

When someone that we work with or is known to us personally, murdered as a result of intimate partner violence it is difficult to fathom how a person could remove such a gem of an angel.

Bea Dickey was the highest ranking civilian employee in the Sheriff's office. This should have been the best place for her to seek assistance. Inform her boss what was happening and that she was in fear for her safety. But, as a society, victims are too embarrassed to say anything. Often believing "they" can handle the situation.

Now, Bea Dickey has been silenced in the war known as intimate partner violence resulting in homicide. The Polk County Sheriff's office and the State of Florida have the opportunity to take what has happened and turn it into action. A successful plan of action I began in 1989, when my own mother was silenced by my father a Chicago police detective before he committed suicide. Since their deaths, thousands across the country are alive because of her. Polk County now has the opportunity to provide the prescription by supporting others in the community, in her memory.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit

An “Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video has the additional psychological benefit of being forced to face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit: A Victim’s Voice (c)(TM)(R)

Domestic violence or intimate partner victims now are able to provide information, in their own words, about the fears, dangers, experiences they have had at the hands of their abuser. The" Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" or "EAA" records victim's stories, histories, and experiences which are preserved and stored on their behalf. These videos will provide answers to the many questions, allegations, and fears that arise when a person has disappeared, gone missing, or been found dead.

In relationships it is important to equip one's self with the proper tools before announcing "it is over." That, is what cost Bea Dickey her life. Unfortunately, hers life mirrors thousand of others across the county, victims of intimate partner violence, trying to break away from their abusive relationships with their lives in tact.

If Beatrice Dickey, or any woman found murdered or is reported missing, had done an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, ON TAPE, from following the information in the “Time’s Up" book ,they would be able to describe:

- threats made against her life or wellbeing, including details of how the perpetrator would carry out the threat
- incidents of past abuse that the victim has endured
- admissions or comments made to her about other victims or people abused
- where evidence or weapons would or could be located
- possible alibis that the perpetrator would make up in his defense (including identification of people who could be co-defendant’s or co-suspects)
- portray visible injuries or marks

Just think if we incorporate the only effective plan in the country and have it available for every prosecutor, law enforcement, church, family law office and social service agency across the country, lives would be saved.

Through our corporate and security technology partners we bring the proprietary training to you and your company. And you can now be trained and certified to provide the "EAA" for your clients or within your law enforcement and legal communities or private company. If you are in law enforcement, private investigations, a lawyer practicing in family related matters including custody, a social worker, medical care provider, human resource or are with an employee assistance program or a direct insurer such as Blue Cross and Blue Shield, Zurich N.A., AIG, Anthem, Liberty Mutual, State Farm, AllState or Travelers.

Below is the video example of what someone does as they prepare:

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up"fromCourage Network on Vimeo.


If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship" is the prescription that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available onAmazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a CD. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence cases and prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team atManagement Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host ofThe Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for interviews, please contact: ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email- contact@imaginepublicity.com

Riding and Surviving The Merry-Go-Around

In the aftermath of bloodshed, we often do not see nor hear what happens to those whom survive, abruptly alone to live in a world, forever changed. When those we love are erased from our lives due to rage and violence as a result of killing in the home, the odds of survival in the war of intimate partner are better left for chance at a Las Vegas crap table.

In a double murder-suicide in Oakdale, MN, on Thursday an expert is quoted in news article " The couple's children will live with memory of bloody crime scenes, all their lives."

Upon returning home from school the 6-year old girl came out of the home screaming "mommy dead, daddy dead" on the residential street, her hands covered in her mothers blood. She discovered the bodies. Inside, left unharmed was the 3 year-old boy. He had been in the home the entire time and likely heard and witnessed the rampage. The third child all of 8 years-old was walking towards home after school when he saw his sister.

We are ill equipped in this country to adequately deal with returning veterans from war so how in the heck are we suppose to assist and embrace the children in the war of intimate partner homicide? For God sake's we do not recognize this as a crime.

When your daily existence is on a perpetual crime scene, it is a toxic merry-go-around. Your hope is based on gripping as tightly as you can to the metal pole during the ride. Once the ride stops, you are thrown off, the decent into hell begins. At least during the ride you remained hopeful each day your mother remained alive. Someday's you even thought of ways to momentarily disarm the battle securing yet another day of hope.

Eyes open or closed the children will not be able to stop the viewing of the horror movie playing in their heads 24/7. Add to the unimaginable trauma of being placed in foster care because you are now orphaned. If the State of Minnesota separates the children after all of this, they will each internalize the action as a punishment.

After years on the merry-go-round myself, until I was thrown off in 1989, when my father a Chicago police detective murdered my mother before taking his own life, every day has been a battle. Their crime scene in my childhood home and its bloody mess, is a permanent tattoo. I would like to believe based on my life's work as a violence expert and author, that I am the exception. But I am not. Years ago, striving on a daily basis to prove the experts whom said I would not survive the war, wrong. Turning the path of "it is not possible" into "yes I will show you," minus the drugs they insisted would be required as a key to my quality of life.

To build the strong foundation required for survivors of war is vital to their success in life. The prescription does not include text book therapies from "experts" who think an injury on someone else's hand requires a bandage when they have cut open a major artery.

Anyone wishing to offer help for the victims' families can send money in care of the Apostolic Church of the Faith in Jesus Christ, 1534 E. 24th St., Minneapolis, MN 55404.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence cases and prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for interviews, please contact: ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email- contact@imaginepublicity.com

Intimate Partner Homicide: The Writing is on the Wall

Statement Analysis plays an important role in crime. It is an accurate process by which a trained analyst explains language either verbal or written to determine truthfulness, deception and hidden information a person with direct knowledge uses when attempting to disarm others as to their involvement in a crime.

I refer to statement analysis as the art of unconscious vomiting of the truth. In cases of intimate partner homicide it goes to the deception of the truth.

Earlier today on The Roth Show, Peter Hyatt, Investigator and Statement Analysis Expert discussed his work regarding cases where husbands whose wives "suddenly vanish" play a critical role when they immediately hide behind a lawyer instead of helping in an investigation. After all this is their wife and mother of their children, yet when a person flat out refuses to cooperate it is deception.

We discussed the case of missing New Jersey mother Randy Amanda Lehrer, last seen on Friday, August 12, 2011. His deception in Randy's case begins with calling her place of employment and telling them "she returned to her native Canada to take care of her sick mother." The author of the statement is being deceptive which is one example of statement analysis. Like Pinocchio, Steven Acnua (the husband) was caught in a major lie.

The case of missing mother Susan Cox Powell who vanished on December 6, 2009, from Salt Lake City, Utah goes towards Josh Powell's use of words and sentences during media interviews the most recent when he and his father are interviewed on ABC's Night Line.

To listen to the re-broadcast of The Roth Show click the link below:

http://www.therothshow.com/demos/recent/hour2Sep0711.mp3

I know that when Walt Disney created the Pinocchio character he had no idea it could be applied to statement analysis, but it fits perfectly.

Every husband whose wife and mother to their children "suddenly" vanishes where they were the last known person to have contact with them are pathetic cowards. Those involved in intimate partner homicide are Pinocchio's minus a conscious and heart.

Over time their puppet like mentality, words and predictable actions will be the key to their own permanent jail cell.

In statement analysis, the writing is on the wall!

Jounalist Isabelle Zehnder has covered this case from the beginning wrote an excellent article on the case: http://www.examiner.com/missing-persons-in-national/would-susan-cox-powell-run-off-with-a-man-emotionally-torment-friends-family

Information on the case of missing mom:

Randy Lehre is 5'2", 145 lbs with a tattoo on her shoulder that says "laugh now, cry later"

The mother of a 10-month-child, Lehrer, 32, is 5 foot 2, weighs 145 pounds, has brown hair and brown eyes, and is of fair complexion. She has a tattoo on her right shoulder that reads “Laugh Now Cry Later.” Lehrer was lasted seen in public August 12 leaving her job at Tommy’s Restaurant on Central Avenue in Jersey City.

Jersey City Police Detective Cesar Camacho, is leading the investigation into Lehrer’s disappearance. Investigator Charles Hannon has put up a $3,000 reward for information leading to finding Lehrer. Anyone with information regarding Lehrer’s disappearance call 201-547 5427.

Jersey City community expanding the search to Sea Side Heights where Amanda was a frequent visitor. If you would like to join a team, or post fliers please contact us via facebook.

To keep up on the cases of intimate partner violence and missing persons visit www.websleuths.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for interviews, please contact: ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email- contact@imaginepublicity.com