Boxers Anyone?

Making a good choice about you own personal safety is important in any relationship.

And frankly, it is not a priority in our lives. We are too busy looking at the outside of the package.

Does your man look so hot in a pair of briefs he melts your heart? Or is his body hot and rock solid? Did you ever stop to think what has drawn you to this type of man? Or is it not an issue given the fact that you love him? Regardless each of see's what we want to see in a mate or partner.

Often over looking issues that we tag as macho but are really angry or violent can be down right dangerous. Predicting just how dangerous your partner could become once you have decided to end the relationship is far from easy. We make calculations about risk all the time: when to cross the street, what foods to eat, when to pass or not to pass a car on the highway and so forth. Now if you are in an abusive relationship you need to make calculations about the dangers that person could pose to you and the kids. Unfortunately, a miscalculation can be deadly. Dangerousness is really a combination of two concepts: the chances your partner will be abusive and, secondly, the severity of the abuse.

Dangerous people and dangerous patterns :

Predicting the behavior of another person is very difficult, especially if the person has promised not to become abusive again. Often it is our hope that things will get better that makes the assessment of risk even more difficult. There are several factors in assessing dangerousness. These factors suggest a greater risk of continued and/or severe violence. If you can see any of these in your abuser, seriously consider and understand that the abuse will not go away, that it may very well get worst, and that you will never be able to control the situation well enough to ensure your own protection. If you see the first factor AND any of the others, then you should know the risk that you may be severely injured or killed increases greatly.

Partner has a prior history of domestic violence (that is, partner has been violent with you previously, or has been violent in other relationships this includes family members).

Partner is extremely possessive and jealous :

The person has “possessive beliefs” – that is, strong feelings of ownership about their victim – the risk of fatality doubles. An “insanely jealous” partner may be extremely dangerous – especially if he/she comes to believe that you are not “faithful” or that you are intending to leave.

Partner threatens to kill you or others in your life if you ever leave the relationship:

This is the third most powerful predictor of fatality. While not everyone who threatens to kill their partners follows through with the threat, most of those who do kill have threatened to do so. Take any and all threats seriously. This is not a game. I do not care if the person said it while they were drunk or high-it still counts as a serious threat.

Partner believes you his wife or girlfriend has betrayed him (or her).

If the person abusing you views you as having rejected him or her in preference for another partner or for independence, you are at greater risk.

Partner knows you are attempting to leave.

If you are in the process of leaving be very careful. The risk of leaving without a concrete safety plan in place increases your chances of remaining alive.

This factor represents the dangerousness inherent among some individuals who have a longstanding pattern of criminal behavior. Watch out for partners who have a history of criminal charges against people (like battery, assault). Be extremely careful when partners appear to have no conscience and no remorse for causing pain to others.

If any of these factors are present, there is an increased risk of violence:

· Social services has become involved in your family.

· Your partner believes that you have more status or power than he/she does.

· Your partner has lost a job.

· The legal system is involved in your partner’s life.

· You are pregnant or there has been a recent birth of a child.

· Your partner has access to weapon.

· You are preparing to leave.

· Your children are about to be removed.

· Your partner is actively seeking information regarding your location.

What does this all mean? It means that all violent partners do not come in some neat package with a warning label attached to their shirt collar. It means that hunk of a man with deep gazing green eyes who makes your knees weak can be a dangerous partner in a relationship and breaking from that spell of lust/love is a difficult undertaking. Given that we can often under-estimate the level of danger to ourselves, it is time you take seriously the personal safety for you and your children. Go to the library and pick up a copy of Defending Our Lives or Moving Out Moving On and begin formulating a plan. Listen each Wednesday at 3:00 PM Central Time to The Susan Murphy Milano Show where we not only discuss relationships but provide information that will be useful to you in your daily life.

Go to the library and ask if there are tapes on self defense that you can watch in a private room in the library.

Over the weekend please join me on Crime & Mystery with hosts Kim and Kjel on Friday, July 24, 2009 at 8:00PM Central Time. The link is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kimnkjel The number to call in is 718-508-9754.

Safety and Personal Protection

It is rare when we see a hostage situation conclude without the loss of lives. Last week Nancy Tyler was taken at gunpoint from her place of employment. Her estranged husband ordered her to drive to the couple's former home with a gun pointed at her from the back seat.

Nancy Tyler had filed for divorce and her violent, controlling husband was not going to allow her to end the divorce with her life. There is a lot to be learned from what Nancy Tyler did that day for 12 hours.

First, she remained calm. She followed his orders. She didn't raise her voice or try and argue with him. What she did do was continue talking about anything and everything. Police and the swat team were outside and he was also speaking with a news reporter by telephone demanding police stay away from the home.

During those 12 terrifying hours, he handcuffed Nancy Tyler to an eyebolt in a basement wall; told her the house was rigged to explode, and repeatedly held a gun to her head while he recited countdowns to what was to be her death. Nancy took the split second when he was distracted and ran out a small door down in the basement to safety.

Nancy Tyler's quick thinking during the entire ordeal and many prayers to God is what saved her from being killed. In many cases where were read news stories of tragedies it is difficult for victims to remain calm. A technique not often taught or used in one's self defense of their lives.

Thinking like the offender, abuser, and criminal is often an important technique that either buys time or as in Nancy Tyler case saves lives.

Recently, I had the opportunity to listen to several 911 tapes of abuse victims who ultimately lost their lives. In those calls while the phone was on as the woman was running for her life you could hear the chaos and fear just before shots were fired. In a few of the calls perhaps if they had been calmer or been able to divert the shooter the outcome might have been different. I am not suggesting one method or another would have changed the tragedies. I am asking that we look at applying self defense training and strategies using words as an additional way to remain alive.
In cases where you are going through a divorce and the children is in the home what safety techniques have you considered practicing? Maybe the person has threatened to kill you and believe he won't hurt me with his kids in the house. Think Again!

A person who has threatened your life for ending the relationship or marriage has no problem taking everyone out with them.

Hostage negotiators are often successful at getting people to surrender because they have been trained. And in my 20 years as a trainer I implement various techniques that have kept a woman and her children alive. If you are in an abusive relationship it is time that you begin to implement and practice strategies to keep you safe. Listen weekly to the Susan Murphy Milano Show or send in suggestions on what you would like to know and we will feature you and or the information on the show. Email address is contact@movingoutmovingon.com

And as my colleague Anny Jacoby teaches: PERSONAL SAFETY/SELF-DEFENSE IS NOT USED TO FIGHT........IT'S USED TO DEFENDNo excuses, Time's UP!

Protection and Self Defense For Women: Today on The Susan Murphy Milano Show, 4:00PM ET

It’s not about strength, it’s about knowledge.
And, knowledge is a powerful tool!

You have one life and one chance to defend yourself in the event of a physical altercation. Statistics prove that it is imperative for females to obtain the knowledge of self-defense and awareness in today’s society. The harsh reality is that at some point during your life, you or someone you love will be victimized.
Being armed with the right information
is a female’s best defense.

What is self-defense? Self-defense is defending oneself against a viable threat when no other options conceivably exist. You only use self-defense if you have to. Using self-defense is a means of escape and ultimate survival. You have to have the ability to assess a situation to determine whether self-defense is necessary and/or useful.

Awareness is the first key to self-defense. The best form of self-defense is the kind you do not need to use. If you can AVOID a potentially threatening situation, your best bet is to do so. Common sense and awareness is PREVENTATIVE self-defense to avoid potentially dangerous situations.

The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company teaches a full range of skills, builds your confidence and provides you with the defensive power and wisdom you will need to ward off an attack. Training is not martial arts but rather teaching females how to defend themselves with “realistic un-armed self-defense”™ training. Students are taught how to use their bodies and minds (forming mental blueprints) to defend themselves in a safe environment and in controlled situations to remain safe and unharmed, realistically. Students are educated about awareness, the ability to recognize the warning signs; and taught proactive options both mentally and physically.
Ask yourself:
· Would I like to be educated about awareness, the first step to self-defense?
· Would I like to be taught how to use my body and mind to “realistically” defend myself in case of an attempted assault?
· Would I like to be taught how to recognize “warning signs” of an abusive relationship and/or prior to an altercation?

IF YOU ANSWERED “YES” TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS
IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR DESTINY.
OBTAIN TRAINING THAT YOU WILL HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

The Susan Murphy Milano Show airs every Wednesday @ 4 PM ET/ 3 CT / 2 MT/ 1 PT

Today on the Susan Murphy Milano show On Today’s show Anny Jacoby, Owner/President of The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company, is a survivor of domestic violence. She advocates that every female has the absolute right to protect and defend herself. It is important that every female has access to readily available, practical self-defense training. One’s age does not matter, assaults and abductions have no limitations.

And singer and song writer Kama Linden is a fireball of energy, passion, and versatility. This gutsy lyricist catches you (and catches you off guard) with her edgy lyrics and voice. She is currently a victim of an obsessed stalker. We will provide direction and guidance in her current situation. And take your calls live.

Join Susan Murphy Milano and Delilah from the site peace4missing.ning.com as we bring you a information that saves lives.

Go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphymilano
Or listen later in a podcast. Each new show automatically plays on this site until the new scheduled broadcast. Grab yourself a cup of coffee and turn up the volume on your computer.

"Mommy, Please Wake Up"

He had a pattern of violence, including six arrests for disorderly conduct and three for battery. Five of the incidents were domestic disturbances. He was arrested for disorderly conduct and domestic violence and the bastard had serious bipolar and depression problems. He was dangerous.

Erica Ostenson, 24-years old single mother of 5 year-old Damon briefly dated this violent man whom I am not naming in this post.

Eric told “him” the relationship was over. He was angry and violent and Erica knew it was not healthy and more importantly safe for either she or her son, Damon. “If you don’t give me another chance at us, I’m going to do something you will regret.” Erica responded by telling “him” it’s best if they move on. She had already starting dating someone knew. “He” blew up and stated making serious threats against the lives of her son, the new relationship and her. “My life does not work unless you are with me. Accept my marriage proposal, you’ll see, things will be great.”
“No, Erica, said. It’s over, please leave.” He continued to text Erica “one more chance, please me” said one text message. Another text message read “don’t do anything you are gonna regret.”

He circled the area where Erica lived with Damon. “He” would get out of his car go up to the front door and demand to be let in to her home to talk.

Wednesday morning Damon didn’t have school. He was on the couch watching his favorite cartoon. There was a loud knock at the door.

“He” entered the home, Erica screamed for him to leave. “He” pulled out a gun, with Damon in the corner of the living room watching. “He” fired his weapon emptying it into Erica’s body and fled the scene into his car and drove away. Leaving behind a 5 year -old child to sit in the blood soaked carpet trying to wake up Mommy.”

It is important to document every text message, phone call , stalking incident and make a police police. In this town where Erica lost her life, police could have done more to intervene. They could have had training on domestic violence in this town of 59,729 residents. It is not the reason Erica lost her life. But, it is factor for many women like Erica who do not know their options for pressing new charges or insisting police make a report on every single incident.

There are so many of these tragedies, it no longer matter's where they lived or the name of the person who stole their lives. What is important is that we stop acting as though this crisis doesn't exist. Reaching a level I had hoped, I would never witness in my own lifetime.

Information and importanr safety strategies for anyone involved in an abusive or stalking relationship have been created to save lives. Sadly, created because women such as my mother were murdered because their cries for help fell on deaf ears.

Go to the library or visit my site and get a copy of my books, "Moving Out, Moving On" and "Defending Our Lives, getting away from domestic violence & staying safe. Turn up the volume on your computer and listen to this weeks radio show on Religion and domestic violence. Share this important resource with others in your community. You will save lives. This information can be used to relationships including women married to abusive police officer or person's in the military.

ABC's Nightline Features The Life of a Trained Killer ?

Tonight, Drew Peterson once again, appears on television. This time, he's on ABC's program Nightline.

WE must not forget, 2 of his wives are dead. His children will never again see or hear their mother's face or voices. Had Stacy not vanished Kathleen Savio (wife #3) body would have never been exhumed. And the real truth of a botched murder investigation might have never surfaced.

Two women married to a man who by all accounts was an abuser with a badge and a license to carry a weapon. I give Peterson a lot of credit for having the balls to parade himself and his next victim as though they were hollywood royalty.

Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio were forever silenced. Each time you see Peterson remember these women were unable to seek the resources necessary to get out from under his control with their lives. Why? Because he was the law!