The Master Manipulator vs The Violence Expert

For the first time in my career working with victims of intimate partner and stalking, a master manipulator has put me in the war zone of his victim. Keeping her alive, to him, is now a game against me and everything I do.

The couple have been married for 17 years and they have two children. She is a professional who took a year off to pursue writing and speaking opportunities in the area of sexual assault and intimate partner violence. He is a specialist, more like a master, in deadly chemical combinations, pharmaceutical drugs and high tech surveillance equipment. This king of his castle is, in my opinion, following the same handbook instructions as we have seen in other high profile cases which ended in tragedy.

In the past year he has installed various monitoring and tracking equipment on her car, phones, in the exchange vents in the home, and a keylogger type of software on her computer. Her 2 sons report in real time to their father, out of fear or by his instruction, on everything their mother does from whom she is talking with on the phone to the recent changing of a pass code on the home alarm system.

Up until recently, he has turned friends and family against her saying "she is crazy, she is having an emotional crisis," all because through the years of both physical and verbal abuse she is finished and is ready to move on minus him. She and I spoke about 6 weeks ago and prepared her exit strategy. But, somehow, with the use of illegal devices, he let her know about our conversation. That evening my computer crashed. He was also teaching me a lesson for remaining involved.

On the evening of May 29, 2011 a terrible fight broke out and he threw her down a flight of stairs. The police arrived, he was arrested, and posted bond the next day. A 72-hour no contact clause was also in the order. She was issued an emergency order of protection that expires tonight (June 1).

Last night the alarm system went off at the house. The alarm company said it was odd because nothing could be detected. Remotely, it's possible that her husband was able to set off the house alarm with a device from another location. When she spoke with the alarm company they also stated that on 2 different days last week the alarm went off. On those days she was away from the home, he was not. The alarm company said on both days they spoke with her husband. He, by the way, never mentioned it to her. This meant he was probably playing with his electronic device from another location and testing it.

This morning she left the home returning a few hours later to a ringing house alarm. He most likely entered the home because one of the kids had given him the new alarm code, but it was not the correct one and once in, he had no way to stop it so he left. He is also trying to make folks believe he is in another state sleeping in his car. But, according to the tracking or pings from his phone, it shows he is only several miles from the marital home.

What is next? Well, he is so angry with me, in my opinion, he is going to stop at nothing to either make something that happens to her look like an accident, or say if she suddenly vanishes he doesn't know where she is and that she left on her own, or my favorite killer phrases, "she is where she wants to be."

I met her husband briefly while she and I were in Florida last summer. He is about a foot taller and weighs about 100 pounds more than his petite wife. We were planning back then for her to leave but, she wanted to wait until her youngest finished with school. Last fall, due to violent attacks, I had her create an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and video along with additional documentation, and we have kept the documents current. I also have the photos of her injuries the police took from last week.

The officers at the Police Department have gone above and beyond, in my opinion, to do everything within the scope of the law to hold him accountable for his violence and keep her alive. But is it enough against a master manipulator so hell bent on controlling the mother of his children and wife?

If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship" is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available onAmazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic,Kelly Rothwell or arefound murdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel,Summer Inman, and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" from Courage Network on Vimeo.

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs. http://pamelachapmanl.biz

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talkhttp://www.herewomentalk.com/and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

The Psychopath's Mask of Sanity: On The Susan Murphy Milano Show-Wednesday October 6, 2010 at 4:00 PM EST

Join us for a very special hour with Sandra Brown, M.A., with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction Institite and author of "Women Who Love Psychopaths" and "How To Spot A Dangerous Man" as she hosts the shows during the month of October while Susan is on the road.

Todays guest for the hour on the show is Harrison Koehli "Psychopaths are somewhat paradoxical. On the one hand they are known to experts as extremely impulsive, with a seeming inability to plan ahead or to be affected by the threat of future punishments. Their behavior is mainly directed in the service of fulfilling their immediate impulses and whims. However, on the other hand, they can be perfect predators, stalking their kill with the patience and precision of a cougar, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It’s a marvel to watch the steady, subtle maneuverings of a psychopath climbing his way up the hierarchy of power, influence, and control."

Wednesday October 6, 2010
Time: 4:00 PM Eastern and 3:00 PM Central

You can listen to the show live, and participate in the chat room, the direct link for the show is HERE

We will take your calls live. The number to call in with questions or comments is
347-326-9337

Supreme Court Ruling " Applicant's Admission Denied"

Today, the Nebraska Supreme Court gave a voice to three intimate officer involved victim's of abuse over a nine year period whom were each ( all sought court orders of protection) at the center of what I believe is the first ever denial of a former police officer. The supreme court decision is based on his alleged abusive acts against the victims and other behaviors. He was denied admission to sit for the Nebraska State Bar Exam.

The Supreme Court decision was carefully based on the following criteria set forth before anyone can take the bar exam and become an attorney:

"4. Attorneys at Law. Where the record of an applicant for admission to the Nebraska State Bar demonstrates a significant lack of honesty, trustworthiness, diligence, or reliability, a basis may exist for denying his or her application.
5. ____. When evidence exists to indicate that an applicant has engaged in conduct demonstrating a lack of character and fitness, the Nebraska State Bar Commission must determine whether present character and fitness qualify the applicant for admission."



The Allegations Against Former police officer Anthony Ybarra were prior to his attending law school.

Anthony Ybarra worked as a police officer with the Scottsbluff Police Department from December 1997 to March 2003. During this time, Ybarra had an intimate relationship with a woman. The relationship ended in August 1999. In August 2001, D.G. twice filed a petition for a protection order against Ybarra. In an affidavit in support of one of the protection orders, the woman reported incidents of Ybarra’s harassing her.

On April 22, 2001, Ybarra arrested the woman for driving under the influence (DUI). According to the victim, Ybarra was sitting in his patrol car outside a bar when his former girlfriend left the bar. Then Officer Ybarra followed her for more than a mile and turned on his patrol car’s overhead lights when she stopped at her sister’s house. The woman was not concerned at first because officerYbarra had previously pulled her over on a number of occasions to talk to her and ask her to go to lunch. Instead, Officer Ybarra administered field sobriety tests and then arrested the woman. After she posted bond and returned home at 4 a.m., The victim found offficerYbarra waiting for her. Ybarra then entered her house without permission. She asked him to leave, indicating that if he did not, she would call the police.

In my opinion, and in true abuser style, the partol sergeant employed with the Scottsbluff Police Department Ybarra, said, “‘I am the police’” and left. He subsequently called the woman from his patrol car. She told him she had nothing to say and hung up. The woman said she believed officer Anthony Ybarra was using his authority to intimidate her.

And, of course, it would be Anthony Ybarra telling a different version of the events of that evening. Sounds like a few others who suffer from the same behavior pattern we read about, wouldn't you agree?

"The Commission thus found Ybarra lacked the ability to demonstrate honesty and integrity; to act in accordance with the law and the rules of ethics; to exercise good judgment; to avoid acts that show disregard for the health, safety, and welfare of others; and to conduct himself professionally. The record shows a history of behavior which is abusive, violent, hostile, intimidating, threatening, assaultive, unlawful, and perverted. The record shows that Ybarra does not meet the standards of character required to be admitted to the bar."

The entire decision on this case can be read HERE.

CONCLUSION As Per the Supreme Court (upholding the decision of the commision is as follows:
Ybarra’s behavior demonstrates a pattern of abhorrent behavior toward women. Three women in the past 9 years have sought protection orders against him. He has not admitted that his behavior is inappropriate and has not demonstrated any remorse. The Commission was correct in determining that Ybarra does not meet the standards of character required for admission to the bar and that he should not be allowed to take the state bar examination. We affirm the Commission’s denial of Ybarra’s application to take the Nebraska bar examination.(in re application of ybarra 759 Cite as 279 Neb. 758Nebraska Advance Sheets 760 279 nebraska reports)


In my opinion, the former officer's behavior literally came back to bite him in the ass. After many years of dealing with intimate officer violence in the home, I cannot recall a more timely victory on behalf of all those whose cries for help fell on deaf ears!

"Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS"

Special Series: One Woman's Journey

Part 3

Gina asked if she could time to think his proposal. Robert told her he could not imagine “his life without her and he had never been so happy and he was hoping and praying she would say yes.”

Gina says he was great giving her space she needed. The couple planned out their lives. Robert said the girls would be happy and once they married, their behavior would settle down and they would accept Gina as a member of the family. The marriage was scheduled for October. When Robert told the girls they blew up. Gina said it wasn’t that Robert was marrying me it was the anger and resentment they held since their mother’s death. Gina said when Robert learned of his wife’s illness he didn’t tell the girls until all possibilities of hope for recovery were exhausted. They resented their father for withholding her condition. After her death they had their father wrapped tightly around each of their fingers punishing him because he was not truthful. Anything they wanted was provided. Robert was more like their personal parental slave. After observing the interaction and behavior over time between Robert and his kids there was more going on than Gina realized.

Robert and Gina spent more time at her home it was peaceful. The couple discussed starting over, finding another home after his youngest graduates. Other promises of what would be, made Gina feel comfortable in her decision to marry Robert.

Violent outburst became common with his daughter who had a year left of high school. His oldest daughter had just finished college and was traveling Europe. The wedding plans changed several times. Gina suggested they wait, but Robert insisted they marry as soon as possible. Shortly before the Christmas holiday the couple secured a marriage license. One morning they decided to not tell anyone and marry at the courthouse.

Robert said he wanted to wait a bit before informing the kids. The following week Robert arranged for movers to bring Gina’s things over to his house. From the moment the first box came off the moving truck and into the home, doors were slammed shut. This went on for several days. If it wasn’t doors slamming his daughter was screaming at the top of her lungs. She shouted at her father “you are selfish, you are an asshole all you ever think about is yourself.” When the oldest returned from Europe to figure out her life plan both girls ganged up on their father.

Robert’s true colors began to show. When Gina would ask questions, Robert would snap and say “forget about it, it will blow over. He also began smothering Gina again. Robert also had a habit of checking all calls received and placed from the home his explaination was to see who was calling for the kids. But Gina was not buying it. And Robert was always demanding to know where she is going, with whom and when will she be returning. Constantly he would call her and when she didn’t answer Gina would be interrogated.

Gina also learned Robert was not the loving husband and father he portrayed to the outside world. By accident Gina met a close family friend who described the less than happy couple. It seems before she was diagnosed a plan was in place to divorce Robert. For many years under the same roof they lived apart he in the basement and she upstairs in the bedroom. Gina could see this was not going to work. When she approached Robert he begged for a little time to work things, “you will see, I promise everything will be alright.”

The environment was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Gina pleaded with Robert to look for another place to live. When she learned that the girl’s mother had actually died in the home Gina was furious because she was never told.

Eleven months into the marriage Gina had enough.