Dying to Check a Box

I can't keep up on the volume of cases where the ending of a marriage or relationship is resulting in murder. The cases of intimate partner homicide are not random acts. They are well thought out and carefully executed crimes. The victims never quite believe the person with whom they are involved or legally married will take the abuse to a level of murder.

Shelby Wilkie, 38  Henderson, North Carolina

While Shelby Wilkie of Hendersonville, NC was alive, she knew enough to check a box on paperwork for a court order of protection in October of 2010, writing, " believed she was in danger of serious and immediate injury." The court order Shelby obtained, is dropped a few weeks later. Perhaps at the time the reasoning in forgiving him is because they were married just days prior to her obtaining the court order. I can hear the violins of the abuser orchestra playing "I'm so sorry baby, I'll never touch you again, I swear. " They reconnect, she gives him another chance.

This is how many victims of abuse handle the violence, if they are lucky enough to still be breathing. The victim forgives and forgets about the threats and fear to her own personal safety, until the next time it happens. Or, they are what I call the "veteran victims." The women, time and time again forgive the person with whom they took an oath to love, honor and cherish until the day they die, to be with this person through thick and thin. To not fully understand the words "till death do us part" to a habitual abuser often translates into a missing person or murder case.

My own mother was a veteran victim. My father a serial abuser who also happened to have a badge and a gun. I use my parents as a prime example of what continues to erase the lives of families. My mother, throughout my childhood, continued to forgive my father. She told us kids growing up that when we were grown and safely on our own she would leave him. A song which is often sung, off-key, by veteran victims. My mother did eventually leave and attempt to move on with her life free of the violence, but it didn't last very long. My father was furious about not being able to control her. In his mind, he would make her pay for leaving him. This landed her in a new home; the cemetery located in Arlington Heights, Illinois. 

I want to believe victims of abuse are paying attention. I do not want anyone to have to live by the seat of their pants in fear for their lives, or their children's, not knowing if they will see another new day.

Any clue what that is like? It is sheer hell! Why, if you are in an abusive relationship would you continue to put yourself in harms way? And, why are you doing it to your children!

A few weeks ago we launched the site Document The Abuse.com. If you are involved in a potentially abusive relationship, or you're really not sure how your partner will react to the news the relationship is ending, completing the information on the site is one of the steps you need before you announce, it is over.

You can either take my advice and work towards ending the relationship with your life in one piece, or, you can not listen and possibly end up like Shelby Wilkie  found murdered at the hands of her husband last week leaving a newborn behind. And guess what else? I can include you in the hundreds of murdered victims of intimate partner homicide, I write about or feature on my radio programs each and every week!

If you need personal assistance I can be contacted through www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com. 
or by email at murphymilano@gmail.com

 Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.
 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writesproviding commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.

Cell phone App Helps Domestic Violence Victims Speak from the Grave

By: AMY VITRANO

MYRTLE BEACH, SC --

A study out by the FBI in October said South Carolina ranks number one in the nation for violent crimes. One type of crime that's on the rise in this state is domestic violence.

According to the South Carolina State Attorney General's website, an average of 33 women are killed each year in South Carolina as a result of domestic violence. Most of the time, they occur behind closed doors.

But Susan Murphy-Milano hopes to give victims everywhere a chance to be 10 steps ahead of their abuser. She never wanted to be a domestic violence advocate. She had a great life as an investment banker until it all came crashing down one night in 1989.

"My mom was a long time victim of abuse,” Milano explained. “My father was a Chicago violent crimes detective. He murdered her and then took his own life. I vowed to change the world."

Milano has taken baby steps to do so over the last 20 years, working with women one on one to get out of volatile relationships. She's even written book on the subject.

Milano plans to take her knowledge mainstream with a new phone application for an evidentiary abuse affidavit (EAA).

"We have something called Crawford vs. Washington across the country and all these cases, when a woman goes missing, you don't know what she said,” said Milano. “You don't know about the offender. So in a case like that, had she prepared an affidavit, which is almost like a will: it talks about the incidences, gives her date of birth, her social security number, gives his information... So for the first time you have in the victim's words what's going on. It's not hear-say."

"I don't think in any way what happens inhibits me from having a normal life, a happy life. I try to learn from there mistakes so I make sure I don't get into a situation like my mom did," said Tina Abassi, who lost her mother at 15 to domestic violence.

Farah Abassi was killed by her father, Asghar Abassi Eliderani, at the family's convenient store in Socastee in 2008. It was the end of a childhood that Abassi says seemed normal.

"I don't remember growing up and thinking anything was wrong cause it's all I knew,” said Abassi. So if you grow up thinking that your parents fighting and not sleeping in the same bed, arguing and having your dad hurt your mom is normal, you don't think you're growing up wrong. You just think, 'Oh they're just fighting.’"

"We don't look at domestic violence as anything other than a private matter,” Milano said. “How many private matters are they going to continue to scream in silence?"

Milano created a new app that will allow a victim to record a video and fill out documents. They can explain the abuse and can include photos and information police could use in case if something happens. Milano hopes it will also give prosecutors evidence for conviction.

"So in her words, it shows that when somebody does this, it's premeditated,” she said. “So a lot of these cases individual offenders who go to trial and say, 'I was unhinged. It was a crime of passion.' Pardon me, but bullshit it wasn't. It's not a crime of passion; it's premeditated and they think they can get away with it."

Asghar Abassi Eliaderani was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in 2010, and received five years in prison as a sentence for killing his wife; a sentence that will be up within a year because Eliaderani is in a work release program.

"If she [Farah Abassi] had the EAA, it could have been something discreet that she could have filmed, that she could have said to know that incase anything ever happened, her voice would be heard,” said Abassi. “That would have given her peace of mind because she was so stressed out."

"You've got budget cuts across the country,” said Milano. “So to have this technology means that you're going to reduce the burden of the State for prosecutors or district attorneys in going in and doing this. If she does this, half their job's over with. If she winds up missing, it’s an easy arrest. You've effective a case that you wouldn't have had."

The new phone application is set to débuted on December 25^th, but the information is available to all victims in a book written by Susan Murphy-Milano titled Time’s Up. Click here to Milano’s website, where the book can be purchased.

If you are in a dangerous relationship and would like help getting out, the South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault can help. Contact them at 1-800-260-9293. You can also contact Milano directly through her email, murphymilano@gmail.com.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace.

True Crime Author, Diane Fanning, Reviews “Time’s Up”

by Diane Fanning

When I was in my first marriage, I did not see my husband as an abuser. I did not see myself as a victim. I was fooling myself. Although he did not hit me, he sometimes left bruises on my arms from holding them too tightly and, on occasion, he shoved me. But for the most part, the mistreatment I experienced was mental and emotional.

I was afraid of him, intimidated by him, cowed into an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. Toward the end, I was actually crossing the street to avoid people I knew, because I had allowed him to convince me that others only spoke to me out of pity. And I didn’t think I was a victim. I’d seen pictures of abuse victims—battered, bleeding, or dead—and that wasn’t me.

I was wrong. Without realizing it, I risked my life and that of my daughter. After a dramatic departure in the middle of an ice storm, I was safe, but it could have turned out so differently. I was lucky. Many women are not. Oftentimes, the first serious incident of domestic violence is a homicide.

I’ve written books about some of these cases and have learned through my research that the most dangerous time of any woman’s life is from the moment she makes the decision to leave to up to two years after she acts upon it. If you are planning on leaving your spouse or know a woman who is, you must have TIME’S UPby Susan Murphy-Milano.

Susan explains abuse simply and clearly in the beginning of the book so thoroughly it left me shaking and in tears, even decades after my escape from that bad relationship. I was stunned to read so much about my experience and know I was not alone. Then she takes the reader through everything she needs to do in preparation for departure, including precautions, tips and forms to make the planning and implementation part of a process rather than a helter-skelter act of desperation.

It is all at your fingertips in the pages of this book. If you are a sophisticated, educated, aware woman, you will find things you didn’t know to help yourself and others. If you are a stay-at-home mom who has been controlled since a teenager and doesn’t know the first thing about leading an independent life, you’ll find all the details you need to escort you through the risk-filled and often baffling transition ahead.

In addition to the book itself, there is a video on YouTube.com that demonstrates one of the necessary steps: a women presenting a sample Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit.

By writing this book, g has given a great gift to all women and children. I am in awe of the magnificent job she has done, the life experiences she has overcome, and the compassion and common sense that fill every chapter.

I cannot emphasize how important this book is to all the women in your life. Even if you are in a good, stable relationship, buy this book and keep it handy. One day, when you least expect it, someone close to you will need it. It can save a life—many lives.

TIME’S UP by Susan Murphy-Milano: the best companion an abused woman can have.

**********

Diane Fanning is the Edgar-nominated author of ten true-crime books and four mystery novels. Diane has appeared on 48 Hours,20/20, Forensic Files, and radio stations from coast to coast. She is currently under contract for three books—two true crime titles and one mystery novel. Her bestselling book on the Casey Anthony case, Mommy’s Little Girl, was released in fall 2009.

Diane Fanning is one of America’s premier Crime novelists and True Crime authors. At the top of a genre that often gets a rap in the literary world, Fanning brings esteem, doing due diligence when presenting a criminal case in book format.. She is a New York Times best selling author.

Diane Fanning is not only one of the queens of True Crime, she also pens a series of novels incorporating the character of Lt. Lucinda Pierce, a tough as nails detective who was once a disfigured victim of domestic violence, and now on a mission to solve crimes and put away criminals. You can get to know Lucinda Pierce and walk through crime scenes collecting clues, learn about the criminals and the surviving victims within the pages of Trophy Exchange, Punish the Deed, Mistaken Identity and Twisted Reason, sold in all online and retail book stores.

Connect with Diane Fanning online!

FACEBOOK

TWITTER

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Diane Fanning for an appearance or Susan Murphy Milano for training and interviews, please contact:ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email- contact@imaginepublicity.com

Dangerous Love

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talkhttp://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Holly Dembie: The Devils in the Details

Last week the full 911 taped conversation was released by the Lorain County Sheriff's Department pertaining to the murder of Holly Dembie, 33 years old, and mother of a young son.

I was disturbed listening to the call placed by the killer, Lorain County Correctional Officer, William Dembie. When the connection was made to 911, Dembie asked whom he was talking with as he identified himself to the dispatcher. The operator, when dispatching emergency response personnel, could be heard saying "he's a CO, I know him personally." The dispatcher was upset, trying to maintain composure, you could hear it in her voice.

Click below to listen to the 911 call (Language may not be appropriate for all audiences):

Mobile users click here: http://5.wews.com/zrj

Dembie, on the other hand, was matter of fact. "I killed my wife, oh my ex-wife" and he laughed. During the call Dembie said, " I had enough." The 911 operator did her best to keep the situation calm and under control during the call and Dembie, when asked, stated his weapons were locked up and he was not armed.

In a bond hearing last week Dembie's defense attorney stated in the court proceedings that his client was a victim of "battered spouse syndrome," and based on whatever circus carpet he flew in on, was trying to have the charge reduced from murder to manslaughter because of "evidence." The evidence amounts to Dembie's immediate family going on what they may have been told by Dembie not anything they ever witnessed.

Dembie killed his wife because she was ending the marriage and he was furious. What Dembie had enough with was the fact that Holly was no longer able to be controlled by him. A classic, by the book, case of intimate partner violence resulting in homicide.

The prosecutor should likely consider building a time line of events 2-3 weeks before Dembie murdered his wife.

• Take cell phones (is there a tracking device on it), computers, the GPS devices if on one or both of the vehicles (get a print out.)
• If possible find out when the knife was purchased.
• Why was the child with the mother-in-law? Who made those arrangements?
• Go into Dembie's time on the job to see when he punched in or out 20 days prior to establish pattern of conduct.
• Go and secure the phone records from where he worked in Lorraine County to see how many times he called her during working hours.
• Look at the computers in the office where he worked get print out using his sign in access code.
• If possible subpoena his credit card records to see if there was a charge for computer services that could show tracking.
• Speak to the attorney Holly Dembie met with prior to her death.

If William Dembie is a victim of Battered Spouse Syndrome, I will eat my computer board!

****

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

If you would like to schedule Susan Murphy Milano for interviews, please contact: ImaginePublicity PO BOX 14946 Surfside Beach, SC 29587 Phone: 843.808.0859 email- contact@imaginepublicity.com