What's the Problem With Problem Partners?

By Sandra L. Brown, Guest Contributor 

Problem partners create problems which manifest as problem relationships.  These relationships are 

often referred to as 'bad relationships,''drama,' 'dysfunctional' even 'abusive' when in fact, often the

dynamic at play is a result of what I have coined 'Pathological Love Relationships.' People wrongly 

assume that even abusive relationships can be 'fixed.' All abusers are not created equal. Some are

permanently disordered. 

These problem relationships are related to permanent personality structures and disorders. 
Mislabeled, undiagnosed, or misunderstood, these relationships churn out the problems for the partners,

their children, their families, and the therapists who try to help them. Behaviors associated with problem 

partners can include: repeat violence, chronic infidelity, addiction relapsing, unstabilized mental illness,

parasitic lifestyle, abandoning the family/children, chronic use of court and lawsuits, stalking and 

cyber-stalking, attempted homicides. 

Neuroscience has helped us understand some of the brain processes and problems involved in problem 

partners which have disorders referred to as the 'Erratic and Dramatic' disorders.

The partners who are challenged by faulty brain processing and negative behaviors often associated with narcissismand anti-social personality disorders and the group of no conscience disorders of sociopathy and psychopathy which make for some pretty lousy 
relational material. 

This lousy relationship quality I refer to as 'Inevitable Harm' because when someone's brain processes are

hard-wired and they lack the ability to sustain positive changes through therapy or develop insight about 

how their negative behavior hurts others--there's only one way this relationship is going to be---harmful. 

Even the court system now labels these relationships uniquely as 'High Conflict Cases.'

My contribution to Times Up! blog is going to look at Inevitable Harm related to partners who have 

problems bigger than what psychology can do for them. We help others identify if they are in PROBLEM RELATIONSHIPS.


We will look at:

* The traits of those with chronic personality problems that wreak havoc in the relationship
* Look at the unusual pathological love relationship dynamics specific to these disorders
* Take a peek at the neuroscience about what is wrong with their brain
* Learn the elevated temperament or 'super' traits of those who have gotten in relationships with this kind 

   of disorder
* Marvel at the affected language, communication and meaning in these relationships and how it drives

    the other partner crazy
* Understand why these relationships feel more intense than others
* Realize why break ups are hard to do and fraught with 'Boomerang' attraction

Along the way we will review the characteristics in the disorders related to impulsivity, sexual acting out, interpersonal exploitation, low/no empathy, excitement seeking, and conning.

And of course, we'll look at the physical, sexual, and financial harm of these emotionally lethal predators

and parasites. Stay tuned. I look forward to opening your eyes about Pathological Love Relationships!

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the Founder and CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  

She is the author of several best selling books, including 

How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Why Women Love Psychopaths.

You might also like:

Document The Abuse. com 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com 

(Susan is expected to return next week)

. 

Holding My Hand Through Hell the latest book by Violence Prevention Specialist, 

Susan Murphy Milano, is slated for release on October 3, 2012.

To place your *order CLICK HERE

Ice Cube Press 

Based on a true story, told with the flow of a novel, spiced with frank wisdom and wit, Holding My Hand Through Hell
 encourages the reader to immerse themselves into this family’s life and is an inspiration to become an advocate for 
change in this world we all share. This book will incite discussion, debate, and heightened awareness about hope,
survival, abuse, murder, and its impact on our society. In the end, it will leave readers both applauding this 
woman as well as wondering how she escaped, sometimes at the eleventh hour. Twenty years later, she has 
realized that God must have been holding her hand through hell, delivering her from the evils of her life in order to 
save others.

Includes a foreword by Diane Fanning, Edgar nominated award-winning, true crime author.

This poignant well-written book tells the story of a police officer’s family and one daughter’s quest for justice 
long after'the heart-wrenching murder of her mother. Susan Murphy Milano embraces a legacy of unconditional
 love and faith to triumph over a life plagued with unspeakable abuse and pain.

Website: Holding My Hand Through Hell

Website: Susan Murphy-Milano www.susanmurphy-milano.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist

with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals,

 victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing 

prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular 

contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : 

Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! 

a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime

Jessica Nicole Wolfe: Lifting the Veil of Silence on Intimate Partner Homicide

Jessica Nicole Wolfe

It's not suppose to happen to someone that you know.  But it does.  Intimate partner violence that leads to homicide takes the lives of approximately eight to ten women each and everyday.  Families affected find their lives suddenly come to an abrupt halt.  Often blaming themselves as to what could have been done differently to prevent such a horror.

Right now as I write this, the family, friends and co-workers of Jessica Nicole Wolfe are experiencing a flood of thoughts feelings and trauma, shaken at their very core over her senseless murder.  One-by one each kicking themselves because they were unable to prevent Jessica's murder from a man with whom she dated, Russell Holt, violent, controlling and abusive.  It should be noted Holt was a probation officer.  Jessica was found murdered in his home around 2:30 am Sunday with a single gunshot to the torso.

For the past six years Jessica was employed as a legal secretary with the Houston County District Attorney's office in Georgia.

Russell Holt has been arrested and charged with her murder.

If you want to see changes.  If you are interested in stopping the bloodshed of intimate partner violence resulting in homicide, than you who are reading about this must do more than gloss over this story with your morning coffee. Sadly, that is exactly what communities across the country  are doing. Nothing!  Yes it's nice to say prayers and words of comfort to surviving family and friends, but without action in the aftermath on our part, it amounts to little more than lip service. What are we doing to prevent the next Jessica from being murdered in silence?

If we don't embrace the victim while still alive and provide real solutions all we do is enable those who kill, simply because we do not consider domestic violence and stalking as a serious crime.

I've been working for over twenty years at successfully keeping victims alive, likely fueled by the  fact that I always felt as if I failed my mother when she was murdered by own father in 1989.  Till my last breath I will continue to fight but, I can't do it alone.  I need the support and help of communities across the country. I need for you to go to the Document The Abuse site and get the information out there into the communities.
I need assistance in spreading the information on April 15, 2012, when the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit debuts for victims of intimate partner violence as an app in Apple stores across the country.

If we can go viral using the information highway reaching billions, with effective solutions for victims and hold offenders accountable no differently than a drunk driver because it's against the law, we will have successfully lifted the veil of silence.  


Document The Abuse for anyone involved in an abusive relationship, it contains vital information on how the "EAA"can support each case of abuse from the perspective of the first responder's and advocates, to an appearance in court. It explains the legal benefits to the abuse victim, whether they are able to testify or not, how their words are forever documented and hold up in court, much like a Living Will. It is a voice that would have brought justice for Sheila Deviney and other silenced by those who once professed to love them.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.  

Tia Bloomer: Murdered in The Name of Love

It should go without saying that when a person is hit, grabbed by the neck, or punched the first time, you get the hell out and far away as possible.  We wouldn't allow a perfect stranger to do harm and cause injury, we'd immediately press charges.  Yet, young women of high school age are remaining in violent and abusive relationships, all in the name of love.

Love is what got a beautiful Tia Blommer, 19, and the mother of a small child, murdered by her on-again-off-again boyfriend Isaiah Tryon.  The young couple had a history of violence.  They'd met while she was still in high school and had a baby together.  From the start of the relationship it was violent.  In 2009, after an argument he shot at Tia in a hotel parking lot.  The boyfriend pleaded guilty to four counts of assault with a dangerous weapon and one count for possession with a firearm.  The judge convicted this dangerous individual to a 10-year deferred sentence.

Tia continued to see him, because she both loves and fears him, a common thread in violent relationships. The next reported incident, and I believe other incidents happened but police didn't make a full report and or Tia was too fearful of what Tyron would do, he fired a gun at Tia while she held their 2-month-old baby.  He was arrested and charged.  But, here is where prosecutors in Oklahoma failed to do their jobs; they didn't use their "automatic"go to jail card already on the table from the 2009 incident.  Tryon is on probation a deferred 10-year sentence, he should have immediately gone to prison. What were the prosecutors thinking?  They had a chance to revoke his probation and blew it.  Incidents of violence to Tia continued and so does deferred sentences for Tyron.

To a violent offender this type of a slap on the wrist by the criminal justice system is viewed by the criminal of intimate partner violence as a reward.  Translation for the offender, they will walk and not do any prison time.  For the victim, who see's no consequences to the violent person with whom she is involved, it's accepted practice, not taken as a serious crime.

On Friday, at a Oklahoma bus terminal as a dozen or so people were standing around, Tryon began beating and stabbing Tia.  By the time he was pulled off and cuffed, her injures were life-threatening and she died shortly after at the hospital.

Her mistake was calling Tryon telling him she was at the bus terminal, informing him the relationship was over, that she'd had enough.

Tia Bloomer like so many victims across the country do not have the support by their community nor the understanding that violence in a relationship will get you killed.

Society has yet to view intimate partner violence as a crime. Now another young child will grow up without their mother, making periodic visits to a cold cemetery where they will place flowers at Tia's resting place.

Tia Bloomer lost her life in the war known as intimate partner homicide.  

Document The Abuse for anyone involved in an abusive relationship, it contains vital information on how the "EAA"can support each case of abuse from the perspective of the first responder's and advocates, to an appearance in court. It explains the legal benefits to the abuse victim, whether they are able to testify or not, how their words are forever documented and hold up in court, much like a Living Will. It is a voice that would have brought justice for Sheila Deviney and other silenced by those who once professed to love them.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.  

The Cookie Cutter Response to Intimate Partner Murder!

We hear about one murder after another involving a woman ending a violent relationship where their final destination is a cold cemetery plot.

Interesting how the Cleveland community in Ohio, similar to every other neighborhood in America, responded exactly the same.  The media reporting on the crime of intimate partner homicide as if it were cut and pasted from a standard cue card. Like our own individual DNA, no two cases of "IPV" are alike.

Intimate Partner violence leading to homicide in this country is not a cookie cutter crime!  But, this is exactly how society responds.  Case in point, on Sunday, Latasha Jackson, 19 and her 13 month old daughter Chaniya Wynn, were found each with a bullet on the floor in a dark, damp and dirty garage.  The coward who killed mother and toddler, Thomas Lorde.  Lorde had an extensive criminal record along with outstanding warrants in New York. He was found dead of a self-inflicted gun shot wound.

Latasha Jackson, as thousands of victims before her that we hear about after the bloodshed, ended the violent relationship with Lordes who was also the father of Chaniya.  Latasha wanted to believe if she left with her child she'd be safe.  This mindset is never enough when your involved with an angry, dangerous, individual with whom you end a relationship.  Victim's must be trained and prepared as if its war.  Latasha went into the battlefield, ill equipped and this cost the live's of she and her child. 


The Cleveland community can jump up and down, cry say this isn't fair, but what are you going to do other than briefly grieve the loss of two innocent lives?  Wait for the next murder to happen? How about taking action so this doesn't happen again?


It's time now to sit down with the faith based leaders, elected officials, law enforcement, schools and health care facilities in your neighborhood and create a plan of action revolving around the prevention of innocent lives resulting from bloodshed of intimate partner homicide. 


There is a vigil this evening with members of the community to say a prayer and remember the lives lost who while live, were invisible. Because victims of intimate partner violence are invisible! The violence Latasha lived and breathed was no different than a toxic and deadly gas.  How many others are right there in your community living on the edge? Who will be next? Good, God loving families whom, if I were them, would be thinking, there, but the grace of God, go someone else I know.


I have a news bulletin for not only Cleveland, but the world, this doesn't have to happen to anyone else if you'd just step out and take action!


Finding safety from pathological abusers is obviously not as easy as it seems. Safety plans encompassing restraining orders, just leaving, living in transitional shelter care, or staying with others is not fool-proof regarding protection.

Some victims have confessed to others the danger in their relationships as a form of documentation because they sensed they would be killed. However, family and friends often don’t know what to do with the confession other than telling them to go to the police or to a shelter. Police tell them if they don’t have evidence he has done something, they need to wait until he does something that can be proved. With dangerous and pathological perpetrators, what they CAN do is usually permanent.

Other victims share little of what they were experiencing. While family, friends, pastors, therapists, and others might have known there was danger from watching the dynamics, in the end, by the time that evidence was criminally needed, the victim was dead.

 http://documenttheabuse.com

 Abuse and Its Impact

*1 in 4 women experience physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse by their intimate partner, often referred to as domestic violence or intimate partner violence
*Last year 32,000 lost their jobs due to Domestic Violence absences and on the job harassment
*Which resulted in 8 million days of lost work
*Millions lost in revenue and
*18.5 million mental health visits
*Billions spent in programs that represent the aftermath effects of violence (social services, law enforcement, criminal justice programs, DV programs, etc)
*But most importantly, 2,500 people died last year from Intimate Partner violence and thousands remain missing and unaccounted for.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime. Her new book Holding My Hand Through Hell published by Ice Cube Press will be in book stores in September.
SOURCES

1. Tragedy in the Union-Broadway area | WTAM - Local News - The BIG One - WTAM 1100
2. Amber Alert issued for missing Cleveland mom, daughter ends tragically
3. Surveillance Captures Last Images of Mother, Daughter | FOX8.com - Cleveland news & weather from WJW Television FOX 8
4. Abducted woman and 1-year-old girl found dead alongside suspect in Cleveland garage | cleveland.com
5. Mom, missing baby found shot to death alongside man - 13abc.com: Toledo Breaking News, Weather and Sports
6. Mom, daughter found dead after kidnapping in Ohio | MyFOX8.com - Greensboro, High-Point, Winston-Salem News & weather from WGHP Television FOX8
7. Abducted Cleveland mom and baby found dead alongside alleged kidnapper | poconorecord.com
8. Mother, daughter, suspect found dead in garage | wkyc.com
9. Cleveland police offer $10,000 reward for help in finding toddler, mother abducted off street | cleveland.com
10. Vigil to be held Tuesday night for mother and daughter found dead in garage in Cleveland
11. Brother Saw Kidnapping of Sister, Niece | FOX8.com - Cleveland news & weather from WJW Television FOX 8
12. Mother, 13-Month-Old Found Dead Inside Cleveland Garage | WBNS-10TV
13. Community reacts to murder of mother and child | wkyc.com
14. WSYX ABC6 On Your Side Top Story - Cleveland Amber Alert Ends Tragically
15. Police: Mom, Baby Abducted At Gunpoint While Out Walking Found Dead | Fox News
16. An Ohio Mother and Daughter Found Dead | Gather
17. Mother & Baby Found Dead In Cleveland Garage | NBC 4i
18. Estranged boyfriend 'kidnapped teen mom and her infant daughter, shooting them dead before turning gun on himself' | Mail Online
19. Authorities search for missing 1-year-old and her mother in Ohio - CNN.com
20. FBI, police search for mother and child snatched off street - KPLC 7 News, Lake Charles, Louisiana
21. Amber Alert delayed for kidnapped mother, baby found dead - 19 Action News|Cleveland, OH|Breaking News, Weather, Exclusives
22. Ohio mom, baby found shot to death alongside man - WSJ.com
23. Missing teen mom, child found dead in Cleveland - CNN.com
24. OH Man Kidnaps, Kills Girlfriend, 1-Year-Old Before Killing Self « FOX News Radio
25. Amber Alert victims and suspect found dead - KLTV 7 News Tyler, Longview, Jacksonville |
26. Cleveland police issue Amber Alert for woman, 1-year-old daughter
27. Amber Alert malfunction | WTAM - Local News - The BIG One - WTAM 1100

Cowardly War Hero and The Murder of Tiffany Pemberton

A picture is not worth one thousand words.  To those who knew both Tiffany and Jason Pemberton, saying were "just a happy couple."  Truth is what happens behind closed doors in a relationship cannot be detected by anyone believing they know a person.

Heroic metals received during war isn't a barometer for whether a person is good or evil either.  In the war of intimate partner violence leading to homicide the hero's are those victims who tough it out and stay in their relationships hoping it will get better.  The casualties of this war erases the lives of at a minimum 8-10 victims everyday.

Over the summer police responded to a call placed by Jason claiming, Tiffany was causing a disturbance, he didn't press charges. Pemberton calling Daytona police amounts to nothing more than intimidation.  He obviously used his "war hero status" as a way to say to the world look at me, I can do no wrong.
In 2009, after three tours of active duty in the army Jason Pemberton received a medical discharge.

Serving our country and returning a hero had nothing to do with the murder of Tiffany Pemberton, 25, yet it was important enough too make the headlines in Florida. This cowards last actions in a war where victims are silenced for wanting to end the relationship with a cowardly killer only sanctions the behavior of a cold blooded murderer.  He murders Tiffany and even in death grabs the headline all because he fought for our country. Showing once again, intimate partner violence and homicide is reviewed and reported on as if it were a momentary nose bleed!  It is not. Intimate partner violence is criminal and with rapid fire turning deadly.

I didn't know either Tiffany nor Jason. I do however intimately know this war better than anyone.  The headline should have read; Tiffany Pemberton a Beautiful Woman Lost her Life in the War on Intimate Partner Homicide.  Included should have been information about what a victim can do to disarm the abuse leaving the violent relationship with her life.

The headline in the murder-suicide of this tragedy " Iraq Sniper War Hero, Shoots Wife, Self to Death."

Jason Pemberton may have earned three Purple Hearts, a Bronze star among others, but after he murdered his own wife those metals are as worthless as a prize in a box of cracker jacks.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime

 http://documenttheabuse.com/

Sisters of Silence on The Susan Murphy Milano Show -Thursday 2:00 PM Eastern

Thursday, January 26, 2pm ET

Listen LIVE at: Here Women Talk

Daleen Berry a victim of child sex abuse at thirteen, she was forced into a shotgun wedding after her high school was featured on national television for having the highest number of pregnant teens in the U.S. But then Daleen found herself married to a coal miner who kept her barefoot and pregnant. 


By age twenty-one she had four children. Sister of Silence is the amazing story of her personal journey: how she went from being a teen mom to an award-winning journalist determined to break the silence that shatters women and children's lives. 


Daleen Berry, Journalist and Author joins us for the hour.

From Amazon


Kenneth V. Lanning, a retired FBI special supervisory agent who spent more than twenty years teaching about family violence at Quantico, Va., wrote the foreword for Sister of Silence. He says it's "ultimately a story of survival and hope." Dr. Jacquelyn Campbell, a Johns Hopkins University nursing professor and one of the country's leading family violence researchers, calls Sister of Silence "wonderful!" Campbell was the first professor to place the book on her syllabus. SOS is being taught at the University of Louisville; Dr. Jean Shimosaki, LCSW, MSW, a Bay Area therapist, is using it with her patients, as it provides “a step-by-step guide for healing.” SOS took first-place in the Appalachian category at the West Virginia Writers’ Competition, and was banned at Livermore High School in California and removed from library shelves as “Banned Book Week 2011” began. 


It has been featured at “Hope For the Future: Ending Domestic Violence In Families,” hosted by the AIA (UC Berkeley), on The Bob Edwards Show (Sirius XM Radio), and on In A Word, a literary show produced by TV30. The author is a California native who grew up in Preston and Berkeley counties in West Virginia, and went to work at The Preston County Journal. Among her many awards was one in 1990, when she won a first-place award for investigative journalism. In 1997, she worked for The Dominion Post, covering welfare reform. Among her awards are two second-place honors for her 2007 weekly columns in the Cumberland Times-News, one of which was born from SOS. Berry’s articles about Lashanda Armstrong, the mother who drove her van into the Hudson River in 2011, killing herself and three of her four children, appeared online at The Daily Beast. This is what a few people are saying about this book and this author: “Almost never is an interview subject so open or so candid about the most intimate details of the most horrible moments of her life. Daleen is a very brave women and I hope her story will help other girls and women.


usan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

 A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.